How to lose a guy in 6 steps
Continue to stalk himThe day after our first date (when we had that glorious kiss, and it was quite apparent that he really did like me), I messaged him several times to chat. While he was at work. Because, you know, I really like liked him. And that’s what you’re supposed to do. I finally found him on Facebook (I guess when you’re super clever and computery, you have multiple e-mail addresses…and don’t use the one that you signed up for Facebook with when you e-mail girls. At first. I caught on and found him. Although it didn’t seem like he used it all that often, so the only pictures of him were…a little strange. I wasn’t going to be showing off his long hair days to my friends), so I added him as a friend. I also called him to chat when he was home from work to invite him out…Because I was hanging out at a friend’s house pretty near his place.
Lie like a rugThat night, he turned down the opportunity to hang out with me because he was supposed to have dinner with a friend. I messaged him several times, optimistic that when he arrived home from dinner, he’d want to see me. Because I’m an idiot. I only called like…three times…and left like…two texts. That’s not stalkerish, right? When he still hadn’t responded, I started heading home. I was on the highway when he called. I pulled off the first exit and talked to him. He wanted to see me! I was already halfway home and didn’t want to seem like a crazy person who turned around for a guy, but I definitely wasn’t ready to go home… So I lied. I told him I was still at my friend’s house and just a few minutes away. And let’s be honest. The second he called, I more than just got off the highway. I got off the highway and turned around, heading toward his house. I wasn’t stupid, even if I was a little more than insane.
Be in his space all the timeFor some reason, I just couldn’t seem to leave. I didn’t want to go home, and The Grown Up certainly wasn’t kicking me out. Half the time, he would pick me up on his way after work. So I became a regular fixture in his house. I almost felt guilty for his roommate, but I was living in this weird glowy universe where nothing bothered me. Something was definitely going to go wrong.
Talk too muchAs The Grown Up drove me home some mornings, I would ramble on about this person at work or that thing I love. It was all morning gibberish nonsense, but he was often silent and unresponsive. I apologized for talking too much, and he told me it was okay. He didn’t seem to mind me talking, as long as I didn’t mind that he wasn’t going to respond all that much in the morning. It was a match made in heaven. Was this guy for real?
Rush into a relationshipWithin a week, The Grown Up became my boyfriend. I wasn’t really into titles, but I knew that I was going to be monogamous with The Grown Up. So I asked the dreaded question – “So, what are we?” He told me that if a girl was spending every night in his bed, she was probably his girlfriend. I swooned a little bit that night.
Piss off his roommateThe Grown Up’s roommate had a fancy black car. One day, I showed up, and the car was a little dusty. Of course, feeling secure in my sense of humor, I wrote a message with my finger in the dust, “Clean me.” According to The Grown Up, his roommate didn’t take too kindly to my little prank, and I needed to apologize. At that point, I got that oh-my-God, nervous stomach, I-hate-confrontation feeling. Now I was in my comfort zone. That anxiety was more along the lines of what I was used to. I decided that I would just curl up in a little Chrissy ball and never show my face again, rather than feel like an asshole. I vaguely remember asking The Grown Up to tell him I meant it as a joke – and I don’t actually remember if I apologized or not, but I absolutely remember how embarrassed I was. But even after that, The Grown Up still wanted me around. It was too much. I was going to have step up my game. It was time to introduce him to my friends. That would surely scare him away. What stupid things do you do when you start relationships to test your suitor? What are your signature moves? Have you been in a relationship where you wondered how the hell someone put up with your bullshit? For the next episode in the saga, click the image below.
I Was Working as a Waitress in a Cocktail Bar…That Much is True
Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl who waited tables at an Irish bar where people were mostly dicks. She also
Desperately Seeking Something: How to Fuck Everything Up
After I met two cool guys at the bar at which I was working and stalked the shit out of the handsome one, I went
When it Sometimes Sucks to be a Waitress
After I was invited to Ireland by a couple of strangers and went all internet-stalker boy crazy, I may have fucked everything up with the handsome
Riding in Cars with Boys
I FINALLY. Had. A date. With. The Grown Up. On Thursday, we scheduled our date for Tuesday, as The Grown Up’s weekend was already booked,
Tonight and the Rest of My Life
As our date was coming to a close, I walked a little closer to The Grown Up, briefly grazing his hand with mine. We made
Things I Did to Make The Grown Up Dump Me
It took me a while to figure out how to tell you guys this part of the story. Because I was a hot mess when
FRIST, you head-case.
I’m glad he didn’t dump you. I once dumped someone after our AWFUL first kiss, but I haven’t the dating history to have any other stories.
FRIST! I KNOW I responded to you, but the comment totally disappeared! Anyways…
I’m glad he didn’t dump me then either. Because then the next part of the story wouldn’t have happened. And that time, I REALLY let my crazy show.
The dating history shall come from the dating future. 🙂
I have no words, but strangely, I understand. We look back at our lives, small bits of our lives and are still embarrassed.
Such is life.
I once tried to give a kiss with tongues on a second date, and he freaked the hell out. To this day I can’t figure out whether it was him with the issue or me.
Definitely him. People don’t freak out about kissing. I freaked out about getting naked the first time I did that…but the problem was definitely mine.
I’m not even sure where I always go wrong. I just know that I do. Sigh…
🙁 Chin up! One day, it won’t go wrong.
Awaiting the next installment with bated breath…
The next one definitely immerses the poor grown up in my shit storm.
I had a habit of getting involved with dudes with real serious issues–like mental, legal, mental, financial., mental… so my fuck up was just meeting them. I always said that I attracted the real weirdos and tell my hubby that I married the first semi-normal one to come along. Since I never really dated (remember I hung out) I never really broke up with anyone or got broken up with, we just went our own ways. I had one bf that wouldn’t go away hence that rule of dating I invented: Never date a man who previous girlfriend had to get a restraining order against him. That’s because that means it is the ONLY way to get rid of him.
Ohhhh that’s a good rule to have then. I had a similar problem choosing dudes with issues. But now there’s Brian. And he’s amazing.