Archives for January 2013

Brian Shares Saturday: More of Ebeneezer the Sloth, Dolphin Preachers, & Bunnicula (Oh and by the Way, it’s Cold as Fuck)

I’ve spent a lot of time writing posts to ensure that next week is covered, but I forgot to prepare for today!

Luckily, Brian has been extra awesome thanks to the wonderful compliments that he’s been receiving for his part in the Brian Shares Segment of my little blog.

Here are just a few of the things that he has sent me this week…

Ebeneezer, Our Future Sloth

For those of you who are new here, Brian and I had been discussing the possibility of a pet, when we realized that what we really wanted was a baby sloth. So from time to time, he sends me videos, pictures, and gifs of sloths to share with you. which is probably why sloth searches are the number 1 Google search that leads people here. Crazy sloth lovers.

Sloth in a hammock gif

 

What’s really funny about this, though, is that in order to ensure that I receive said pictures and videos, Brian often will send them to me via text, e-mail, and G-chat.

Dolphin Preachers

I realize that the term “Dolphin preacher” is ridiculous in its own right. But shit. Once you see this picture, I hope you laugh your ass off as much as I did. I was at Mom’s when I read it, and she told me I was going to hell. C’est la vie?

Dolphins Neptune God of the Sea Preachers

I think that I was a dolphin in another life, so I feel like I have a special bond with the sea faring mammals. In fact, I’ll be seeing my best friends soon enough (Read: THIS WEEK).

Bubble Sports

Brian sent this gif to me with the title: THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN! To me I thought: This looks like life! I NEED one of these. Desperately. Then I can happily make it through life without, you know, falling down.

Bubble Ball Sports

Cool right?

Bunnicula

Please. Please PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. Because Brian didn’t. First, he sent me this adorable gif of bunnies.

Bunnicula

And I responded with OMG yes! We need one! Please?!?! We could name him Bunnicula. And love him. And squeeze him. And feed him tomatoes!

And Brian responded… “Why Bunnicula?”

UGH! Only the greatest Bunny on the planet! Bunnicula, resident rabbit of the Howliday Inn. Obviously.

Cold as Fuck

It’s about to get cold here in the Chicagoland area… and just in case you are not as lucky as me to be escaping the brief cold weather of your home city, you should go pick up a pair of these sweet ass gloves. In fact, pick me up a pair while you’re at it. I’m going to be back in the Chi soon enough.

Cold as Fuck Gloves

Scrabble Genius Bonus

Brian found this quick blurb about Scrabble and I figured that it was important to share it with you. Should the letter values in Scrabble change? I think not. But that is because I am an evil Scrabble genius, according to Katie.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Fiction Friday: The Failure

My second attempt at fiction. If you’d like to catch up first, you can read last week’s Fiction Friday: Broken. Let me know what you think in the comments below!

The Failure

Her parents had done a fantastic job of covering up the details. Her name wasn’t published in any newspapers.  The actual event wasn’t really even noticed. Everything happened so quickly, that she didn’t even know what was happening until it was all over.

Juvenile Detention Center.

She didn’t understand. So many other girls her age did much worse, and they barely got a slap on the wrist. But their parents aren’t like mine.

It was stupid. It was just a dare. When her parents first found out, they were furious. They had been called down to the police station at noon on a Tuesday afternoon. She had ditched school, but that wasn’t why she was stuck sitting at a desk across from Officer O’Connell.

She just wanted to impress Sam. He was a senior. He was gorgeous. Tall, with dark hair and eyes to match. She would have followed him anywhere. He dared her. She couldn’t say no. She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him. As she kissed him on the cheek, she reached into his jeans and pulled out his pocket knife.
Before she could second guess her actions, she walked toward the ATM machine, where a young man was withdrawing money. He was small, in his early twenties. She knew that she could take him down if he put up a fight.
She stood behind him and reached for his free arm. “Don’t say a word,” She whispered. From far away, it looked as if she was hugging an old friend, but the man felt a searing pain through his arm, and the sharp tip of a weapon in his back. “You’re going to withdraw $50 from your account. Then you’re going to hand it to me. Not once are you going to turn around. When I’ve got the money, you’ll count to 50 and then you can go on doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Got it?”

$50 dollars. Fifty. Fucking. Dollars.

But it’s armed robbery. Because of the knife.

That stupid little piece of shit knife. I could blame Sam. But it wasn’t his idea to use a knife. He just dared me to go get $50 from that guy.

When she got back to the guys that afternoon, Sam was staring at her in awe. At first, she couldn’t tell if he was impressed or scared. They all ran to a nearby forest preserve, where they usually hung out on ditch days.
She handed Sam the knife, and he leaned down to kiss her. Not just a peck on the cheek, a real kiss.

Her first. She always thought Jack would be her first kiss. He was crazy about her. She knew it. She loved him, but she didn’t want to kiss him the way she wanted to kiss Sam. The way Sam kissed her that day by the ATM.

I won’t be kissing anyone for a while. Not Sam. Not Jack. Jack. Crap! How am I going to tell him? Whenever I ditched school, he brought me chicken soup. He thought I was sick. He’ll never understand. What will he think? No. He won’t know. I can’t tell him.

So she sat there, waiting for her parents. When they came, they were mortified.

“Melanie. Jane. McDaniels. What in God’s name were you fucking thinking? Are you crazy? ARMED FUCKING ROBBERY?!” Her mother had arrived.

“I…I don’t…I don’t know.” She started crying. Get your shit together, Mel. You need to be stronger than this. She stopped. “I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck, Melanie? What are we supposed to do? You know we can’t get you out of this. We can’t help you with this. You’re on your own.” Her mom didn’t mean it completely. She did everything she could to keep the press out of it. And she was good. But she didn’t try to push for community service like the other kids got. She sent me away. She let me go.

*************************************************************************************

Jack showed up at her house right before she left for River County.

“How did you know I’d be here?”

“Your mother called me. She told me that you were leaving. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t tell you, Jack. Look, I’ve got to go.” As she pushed past him, she could tell that he was about to cry. She didn’t want to see him cry. She might break down and tell him the truth. She used to tell him everything. But then they grew up. She found Sam and the guys.

“Where are you going? Tell me something, please. I’m so worried. First, you’re sick all the time. Then you stop hanging out with me. Now, you’re just leaving. Are you parents going? What’s going on, Mel?”

“I’m going to stay with a family friend. I need to get away from here for a while.”

“What about school? What about our plans? College? Mel, please don’t go. Was it me? Did I do something wrong?” Her heart was breaking for him. I don’t love you the way you love me. She wanted to tell him. But she didn’t want to hurt him.

“I…have…to…I have to go, Jack. I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry.”

*************************************************************************************

God, I was so stupid.

The memories flooded her brain as she began to write the letter. This is harder than I thought it would be. What do I even say?

*************************************************************************************

Find out what Mel was writing in the next piece, The Letters.

Now that you’ve read my fiction piece, you can find some truly amazing writers by checking out the rest of the Fearless Fiction Femmes:

The Fiction Writing Prompt

“Your character commits a crime. (What is the motive?) Your character’s husband/wife/SO, discovers your character changing, dealing with the evidence, and wants to know what’s going on. Write the conversation. What happens next?”
Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Conversations I Have With Brian (And How We’re Totally Weird)

So Brian must really get sick of me asking him…Every single time….if I can write about something that he says. And usually (especially when it’s REALLY good stuff) he says no. And then I am stuck giving you less than funny conversations that happen.

But seriously, we have ridiculous conversations. Ridiculously AWESOME conversations. We talk seriously in knock knock jokes…case in point:

As we’re going to bed…

Brian: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don’t know, Brian, why?
Brian: To get to the lunatic’s house.
Me: I don’t get it.
 
Brian: Knock Knock?
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Chicken!
 

It took me a while to get it.

Me: Very funny, BRIAN.
 

And then I laughed for real, because it was actually kind of funny.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Brian: I don’t know…why?
Me: To show the raccoon, the possum, and the fox that it can be done!
 
Brian: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interr…
Brian: MOO!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s There?
Me: Banana.
Brian: Banana who?
Me: Knock Knock?
Brian: Orange, right? Orange you glad right?
Me: You’re cheating!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s there?
Me: Gorilla.
Brian: Gorilla who?
Me: Gorilla my dreams! I love you! Except that really you should be saying this to me.
Brian: But you’re not the gorilla of my dreams…
Me: GIRL of your dreams, BRIAN. GIRL. UGH!
 
Brian: Cow walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”
 
Me: Brian walks into a bar…
Me: Chrissy ducks.
 
Brian: That doesn’t sound right…
 
Brian: Two droids walk into the bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here.”
Me: That’s not funny.
Brian: Oh. Actually that’s just a Star Wars quote.
 

And then I laugh hysterically, because his delivery was hilarious.

Me: Remind me to write about that…
Brian: People aren’t going to think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: Yes they will. It was really funny.

The next day…

Me: What was it that you said that wasn’t funny at all?
Brian: Two droids walk into a bar. The bartender says we don’t serve your kind here. And then I told you it was a Star Wars quote.
Me: That’s not very funny.
Brian: Which is probably why you JUST asked me for the thing I told you last night that wasn’t funny.
Me: But I thought it was funny last night.
Brian: But you were expecting it today.
 

What about you guys? What weird things do you talk about or do with your significant other?

 
Love is Finding Someone to be Weird With
 
 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Wednesday: Polar Plunge

Chicago Polar PlungeChicago Polar Plunge Chicago Polar PlungeChicago Polar Plunge Chicago Polar PlungeChicago Polar PlungeChicago Polar Plunge Chicago Polar Plunge Chicago Polar Plunge

Chicago Polar Plunge Donation for Special Olympics Chicago

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Tasty Tuesday: Homemade Turkey Chili

If you remember the story of Death Bug, you’ll remember how I almost died…and how Death Bug tried to poison my homemade chili. I take a lot of pride in my homemade chili, so I thought that I would share with you my secret recipe to greatness.

Brian loves it when I make “comfort foods.” He prefers roasts and stews and chilies to anything fancy and delicious that I can make. Sometimes, when I’m feeling super nice, I will make them for him. This week, I made my chili again. Thankfully, there were no Death Bugs hanging around post-frost to try and poison us.

My mom taught me how to make chili, and if I didn’t tell you this, she might get upset. My culinary talents come from both of my parents, and the amazing chefs that I’ve had the opportunities to work with. This one’s a Mom creation that I’ve made my own.

As you may remember, I am doing the Weight Watchers thing, chili is an excellent way to get in your daily dose of fiber (both soluble and insoluble) crazy amounts of veggies, based on preferences, and oodles of protein. This recipe is just 5 points per 1 cup. Although I usually add 1-3 points worth of cheese…and then another 3-5 points worth of tortilla chips to use in place of a spoon…but I digress.

Weight Watchers 5 Points Plus Turkey Chili

Simmering joyful goodness

Weight Watchers 5 Points Plus Turkey Chili

(I use Trader Joe’s for almost everything, but it’s super easy to sub these out for your own favorite or generic brand…it also usually depends on what is in my cabinets at the time)
 

The Ingredients

  • 1 can of Trader Joe’s Turkey Chili with Beans
  • 1 can of Trader Joe’s Black Beans
  • 1 can Bush’s Best Mild Chili Beans
  • 1 can of Sweet Corn (low sodium)
  • 1 can of Hunt’s Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes
  • 1 lb Empire Kosher Lean Ground Turkey
  • 1 cup diced carrots
  • 1 cup sliced jalapenos
  • 1 cup sliced or diced zucchini
  • 1 red onion
  • Smoked Paprika to taste
  • Ground Cumin to taste
  • Onion Powder to taste
  • Garlic Powder to taste
  • Sea Salt to taste
  • Pepper to taste (I use a 3-pepper grinder and white pepper powder)
  • Texas Pete’s Hot Sauce to taste

The Steps

  1. Brown turkey with the spices, salt, and pepper. I use the same pot that I’m going to cook the chili in to save dishes.
  2. Once the turkey is cooked, add the rest of the ingredients.
  3. Cover and simmer on LOW heat for 10-15 minutes.
  4. Remove cover and simmer for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally, until carrots are soft.
  5. Serve with chopped raw onions, shredded cheese (I’ve used smoked gouda and Kerry Gold Dubliner-both are delicious), and Trader Joe’s Reduced Guilt tortilla chips.

1 serving = 1 cup = 5 Weight Watchers Points Plus

Make it Vegetarian Chili for Lower Points Plus

  • Substitute an extra can of mild chili beans for the turkey chili with beans
  • Substitute 2 cups of sliced baby bella mushrooms for the ground turkey

Enjoy!

What are some of your favorite comfort food recipes, friends?

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Monday Memories: Embarrassing Moments

I’ve decided to start making the Monday Memories topical, so that anyone who participates with me has some direction for their posts. The goal, remember, is to make people laugh. So let’s err on the side of caution and leave out sad memories for these posts.

Embarrassing Moments

I’m certainly no stranger to embarrassing moments…I mean you’ve read about my bald spot…and the most embarrassing glamour shots ever…and then there was the incident with the strawberry…and my poop story…so when I tell you that I’ve got more, you really shouldn’t be surprised…

Now, I happen to have another poop story, but I’ll save that for another day. Hair mishaps? Thousands. But not today…And as far as fabulously embarrassing pictures go? Here’s one just for fun.

Embarrassing Photos

Note the dirty socks, the bad hair, the huge forehead, and the old school phone.

That being said, I’m going to tell you the tale of one of my many embarrassing moments…

That One Time (Of Many) That I Fell Down

So last summer, after a painstakingly long stint of unemployment, I was able to revisit a summer job I had teaching reading comprehension to students with learning disabilities, autism, and others who had difficulty with reading, spelling, and comprehension (a truly rewarding position…)

I was training in downtown Oak Park, which is a cute almost-city suburb just west of the city. I had previously taken the train down, but as I was no longer living near that line, it was easier for me to drive in. I had worn my brand new dress pants (which were SUPER cute AND comfortable, which is almost unheard of with fancy pants) and flats. Yes. Flat shoes. Because that’s what perpetual klutzes wear. Flats. So they don’t injure themselves.

Of course, I made it through my second first day with flying colors. It was a short day, so I thought I’d wander the downtown Oak Park area (Read: go to cute fancy cheese shop and buy cheese). I was heading back toward my car, struttin’ along, thinking that I was on top of the world, when all of a sudden, I was falling. And then I was on the ground. And people around me (and there were a lot of them) were staring. And staring. And asked if I was okay. And asked to help me up. And I just sat there. And sat there. And told them that I was fine. And I would be okay. I just needed a minute. Or a protective bubble. Or somewhere to hide.  One of those. Or all of those.

There was a searing pain in my knee, to go along with the throbbing pain in my ankle. I had rolled it. Into one of those sidewalk tree squares.

Sidewalk trees

Image borrowed from Streetsblog.org

I looked down at my knee…Not only was there a nasty cut covered in dirt and blood…I could SEE said nasty cut…through the hole in my brand new pants.

People walked by, stared at me, but moved on… After what seemed like hours, I finally got up. With a new batch of onlookers, I stumbled to my feet and tried to put pressure on the ankle. Nope. Bad idea. So I limped my way to my car slowly, while people watched me with bemused glances. Both the knee and the ankle were screaming at me for the pain I was inflicting on them. It looked like I had another high heel free summer ahead of me. (I know what you’re thinking. This girl has NO business wearing high heels. Ever. But I like cute shoes just as much as the next girl.)

What about you, Blog Friends? Any embarrassing moments you’d like to share?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: He’s Back in Full Force

Well, let’s start with a little something Brian did NOT share, but he certainly made his opinion known.

Drunk Puppy

So Ash from That Ash Girl sent me this video. And it was the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. So watch it. Watch it now.


And I felt the need to show Brian, because it was (I repeat) the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

Here was the conversation that followed:

Me: wants
Brian: that video played a “get a free bible, mormon commercial”… haahaha! People came to my door in college with the same thing so I asked them for a bible written in Hebrew… which is why I have a bible all written in Hebrew in my bookshelves
Me: seriously?
Me: Secondly, that’s all you have to say about the SERIOUS cuteness of that horribly named pup?
Brian: I think it was drunk.  It kept wobbling around and falling down.
Me: UGH
Brian: ?
Me: You!
Brian: That puppy was CLEARLY drunk off his ass! He couldn’t string together a coherent sentence… probably couldn’t say the alphabet, let alone backwards…couldn’t walk a straight line…probably couldn’t touch his paws to his nose. He even had that reddish nose that some chronic alcoholics get.  Drunk!
Me: Unacceptable.
  A few minutes later…
Me: So can we get one?

He never did respond to that…

Here’s the dog tag that we’ll get our future pup who will NOT be named Tebow.

If you can read this I will lick you funny dog tag

 

More of Our Future Pets

The Lizard Attacking a Grape

Brian almost didn’t send this to me…but I was standing over his shoulder while he was trolling through Reddit. And when he watched this I said, “You better send that to me!” and of course, he did, because it would not have been nice if he did not. And then I would not have made him a delicious Irish Breakfast the next day with all the Irish meaty goodness and everything fried in the same pan, even the tomatoes and onions and eggs.

But he did send it, and so like I do on Sundays at Brian’s mom’s, I made an Irish Fry and it was delightful. Whoever invented Irish sausages (bangers, white pudding, and black pudding) should seriously win an award. It’s kind of funny because I eat all the delicious Irish food and drink tea with milk when I’m with Brian’s Irish family and they always forget that I’m Irish…and they say things like, “Are you sure you’re Polish and not Irish?” And then I tell them that I’m Polish AND Irish. And I love breakfast. And breakfast sausage. And tea kind of grew on me (though I still love me some coffee Monday-Friday and sometimes Saturday when I’m home with my Keurig and not at Brian’s mom’s house.)

Anyways…sorry for the LONG distracted ramble. (Not really.)

Pet Dolphins on Vacation in Florida

So, right after Christmas, Brian was talking to his dad about how he has several vacation days that he needs to use by February…And his dad was all, “You should come visit!” (Brian has made his way down to Florida during many a January/February to visit his dad & get some Vitamin D/warm weather…so this wasn’t a total out of the blue idea.)

Brian made the mistake of mentioning this to me…And I got so excited. I have a love affair with Florida that cannot be matched. (Obviously, we’re going. I mean…you get an idea into my head…and it sort of happens.) This will be my 8th trip to The Sunshine State. The 3rd in a 12 month period. Speaking of Florida, check out the article that Brian sent me about Disney World.

So Brian sent me this awesome picture of dolphins in Google Maps from Marco Island (where we’ll be going). My pet dolphins miss me. They want to play in the canals with us again! I just know it.

Our Pets: Baby Sloth and Baby Platypus

If you didn’t read my sonnet to Yelp, go do that now. I can wait…

OK, now, if you don’t know about our future pet sloth…you’ve got a lot of reading to catch up on.

Now that you’re on the same page as me… here are our future baby pets. Aren’t the sweet?

baby platypus baby sloth

Random Internet Pictures and Obligatory Kitten gif

kitten attack gif dog playing fetch with a statue baby turtle on big turtle

The Castle: Our Future Home

beautiful castle

Have a great weekend!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Fiction Friday: Broken

This was one of the hardest things I’ve done for my blog. After reading some of the beautifully created fiction pieces by some of my blogging buddies, I was inspired…and invited to join them in their Fiction Friday Challenge.

I’ve never been a good fiction writer. Real life? No problem. Make stuff up? WAY harder. I admire the people who can create whole worlds away from our own (Yes, even Stephanie Meyer has a place in my heart for taking vamps to their very own new level of her creation…)

So how does Fiction Friday work? Molly Field, the brainchild behind Fiction Friday, provided us with the same prompt on Wednesday night. Using the prompt, each of us has come up with our own interpretation and transformed it into fiction. I’ll post the prompt at the end of the post and link to my fellow fiction writers.

That being said, this is my first public work of fiction, so don’t be too harsh. (Also I had some formatting issues that I’m working on, but if the type is a little jacked, I promise I’m working on it!) Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Broken

He walked out of the room with purpose. The letter fluttered to the ground. Confusion, agony, hope, and memories flooded him like a tidal wave. Why now?

Mel had left him standing there. 15 years had gone by. Fifteen slow, long years. He wished that he could say he had forgotten her. But he hadn’t. Of course, he had moved on. He had to. He met Claire. He loved Claire. Claire was his wife. His love. His best friend. She was his everything. But before her was Mel. Melanie Jane McDaniels. His once best friend. The girl he thought he would love forever. The girl that ran away.

Down the stairs, out the door, and into the car, he calmly navigated himself through his daily motions. It was days like these that he wished he didn’t work the overnights. The long and painful shifts that seemed to drag for hours longer than they should have. The world was quiet at night. He needed sound. He needed energy. He needed to not be alone.

He got to work, his thoughts racing, and he went about his nightly routine. Where did she go all those years ago? Not a word. Not a letter. Not a phone call. Nothing. She just. Disappeared. Her image kept popping into his mind. The way her long brown hair fell past her shoulders in a tangled mess. Her blue-grey eyes gazing at him as they talked about life and their futures.  I loved her. She was my first love. For years, no woman could compare to Melanie. But then I met Claire. Claire. No one could ever understand me better than Claire. She loves me unconditionally. Her patience. Her kindness. Her determination. She’s strong. So much stronger than me.

Melanie was never strong. That’s why we were so great together. We understood each other. We braved the world together. But she couldn’t stay. She just. Left.

*************************************************************************************

The muffled tone had made its way into his dreams.  He awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. What time is it? 2? 4? What’s that noise? Oh. Right. Phone. He looked at the number… 542-611-3754.542-611-3754. 542-611-3754. I know that number. How do I know that number? 542-611-3754.

As he stared at the number he recognized from the days of landlines and memorized phone numbers, the ringing stopped suddenly. It’s her. Well, it was her, anyways . Immediately, he knew that he had to call her back. He looked at the clock. It was 11 AM. Can I handle this on 3 hours of sleep? As if on autopilot, his hands were already pushing the call back button.

“Hello?” a quiet feminine voice pushed through the speaker.

“Mel.”

“I need…help,” she whispered softly.

“Really? With what?” Out of nowhere, anger sparked in him. Anger from the lonely little boy she left in the dust. Anger from having to do it all alone. Without her. Having to finish high school. Having to go on to college. To get a job and start a life…All without her by his side.

“I’m going through something right now, and it would be nice to have someone to talk to. I miss you.” The words she spoke were the last that he expected from her.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I just need a friend, Jack.”

“You disappeared. You left. You never said where you were going. You never called. You DIS-A-FUCKING-PEARED! And now you want help? You want a friend?” His voice echoed through the house he shared with Claire.

“Yes.”

“Is that it? Is that all you have to say? 15 years and you can’t even start with some semblance of a greeting. Just a request for help…you can’t even tell me what’s wrong?”

“You sound so angry. ”

“Yes. I’m angry. ”

“You never used to get angry. You were always such a sweetheart.” She sounded wistful, as if she was longing for the days past to return.

“Well, I get angry now. It’s been 15 years. Things have changed. I have changed. But you wouldn’t know that, because you weren’t there. You left, Mel.  You left. You. Not me.”

Jack heard Mel’s stifled tears through the phone. He knew that he had made her cry…and he was…glad. He felt. Better.

“Look, Mel. If you want to talk to me, you need to understand that you broke me. You changed me. I am the person that I am partially because of you. I’m not the same guy you left standing in your front yard. I’m not the same, dammit. I’m just…not. So, if I’m not rolling out the welcome mat, you’ve got to understand why. You hurt me all those years ago. That doesn’t just go away.”

“Jack…I’m…Just listen…I…” Melanie broke off into heavy sobs. “I’m so sorry Jack. I’m…so…sorry.”

“Melanie, why don’t you breath for a minute and just tell me your fucking problem.”

“I’m all alone, Jack.” she cried into the phone. “I’m all alone and I’m pregnant.”

*************************************************************************************

The Story Continues Here.

Now that you’ve read my fiction piece, you can find some truly amazing writers by checking out the rest of the Fiction Friday Challengers:

Oh! I promised you the prompt: Years later, the character’s first love shows up on his or her doorstep again. Both your character and his/her first love are surprised at how the other person has changed (How?) This encounter causes a disruption in your character’s life (How? What does your character do about it?) Write the story.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I’m Like a Gremlin…Except, You Know, Not

stuffed gizmo doll

Stuffed gizmo doll (you can buy him for me yourself on Amazon)

Did I say a gremlin? I meant a mogwai. But you probably wouldn’t recognize a mogwai if I put that in the title…I’m sneaky like that. Mogwai are the tiny fictional creatures that start out cute and cuddly, singing sad little mogwai songs…but if the rules are broken, they become gremlins. What’s amusing, though, is that a mogwai is also a Chinese demon, that reproduces when it’s raining (interesting).

Three Rules to Owning a Mogwai

  • Keep them out of sunlight
  • Never get them wet
  • Never feed them after midnight

If you break those rules…then you get gremlins. And those cute, singing cuddle buddies become glistening, scaly, vicious beasts…

  • Expose them to sunlight (they die)
  • Never get them wet (they multiply into lots of cuddle buddies much like the demon that reproduces in rain)
  • Never feed them after midnight (they get slimy and mean)

How does this all relate to me? Allow me to explain. I was out with a friend of mine, who has known me since high school. We made our way down to the city, and he commented on my lack of coat.

I told him, “It’s 50 degrees…I would get hot wandering around the city. And crabby. And then I’d have to take my coat off and carry it. And be crabby. So no coat.”

And so he looked at me and said, “Princess Chrissy strikes again.”

“Maybe I’m a little high maintenance…”

“You think? This, I already know. Brian is a saint.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he?”

Which got me to thinking…What else am I high maintenance about? Which lead me to this:

5 Ways I'm COMPLETELY high maintenance, just like a gremlin.

Five Rules to Owning a Chrissy

  • Keep her at the right temperature. If she’s too hot, she’ll get crabby. She never wants to wear a coat. Don’t make her. If she’s cold, she’ll lose circulation in her toes. Make sure she has socks, shoes, and gloves on. If it’s colder than 40 degrees outside, yes, turn on the butt warmers in the car. If she puts cold feet on your warm legs, you should let her. This means she is trying to warm up.
  • She needs direct sunlight. Make sure that she has a good amount of sunlight on a daily basis. Without sunlight, a Chrissy will get depressed. And no one needs that. If it’s been too long without sunlight, you should probably take her to Florida.
  • Make sure she eats at regular intervals. If she’s hungry, she is crabby. And snappy. And needs food immediately. You should actually carry snacks for her. Because she often forgets to refill her purse with snack packs after she eats the last one.
  • Give her as many opportunities to swim in large bodies of water as possible. She’s like a fish or a dolphin. She is happy in water. Pools, hot tubs, lakes, rivers, oceans…all good things. You should probably take her to Florida with some regularity.
  • Chrissy thrives on physical contact. Snuggling, hugging, and touching are all required. Even if her feet are really, really, really cold.
A warm, sunlight-full, after-dinner Chrissy who has been swimming and snuggling at Disney World in sunny Florida all day. That about sums it up.

A warm, sunlight-full, after-dinner Chrissy who has been swimming and snuggling at Disney World in sunny Florida all day. That about sums it up.

I’m not so bad, right?

What are your high maintenance needs, Blog Friends?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Wednesday: Bring on the Dolphins!

Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures GEDSC DIGITAL CAMERA Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures dolphin gif

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!