This year has been…a strange one. I’ve learned a lot about myself, as I tend to do, and more often than not, I learned some lessons the hard way. Some serious, some silly. Okay mostly silly. I do stupid things so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. The best of the silly lessons I learned were quite specific to my situation, and so without further ado, here are some very important pro-tips as discovered from my own hard-learned life lessons.
Frozen pizza hot tip
When you accidentally cook a pizza in the toaster oven (if you’re not cooking your pizza in a toaster oven, that’s the first pro tip) on the bagel setting, and don’t realize it until the timer goes off, this tip can save your pizza!
First, get out your emergency bag of shredded mozzarella (this is pro tip number two — always have an emergency bag of shredded mozz). Then pour the entire thing on the already crisped cheese atop your pizza. This new cheese will protect the cooked cheese from burning. Spread it out evenly, return the pizza to the toaster oven, and most importantly, change the setting to bake. Now, cook your pizza an additional 8-12 minutes to crisp the crust and melt the added cheese.
Bonus: you’ve just added a shit load of cheese. I don’t even see a problem with that.
Desk chair hot tip
If you get a new desk chair for Christmas, and you’re testing out all the ways to sit on it…don’t sit too close to the edge of the seat while holding a glass of water and your breakfast in front of your equally new board game. Because you might fall forward, spilling the glass of water all over the new game and almost sending or sending your breakfast flying.
Additionally, having the desk chair relatively close to the wall behind you may be to your advantage. It will stop the extra rolly desk chair that hasn’t accumulated dust or dog hair from going so far back that you plop on your already aching coccyx (I’ve always wanted to use that word in a blog post). I mean, you’ll still fall on your butt, but like…not as bad.
Cardboard hot tip
Use a letter opener or a box opener or a pair of scissors or a freaking butter knife to open all packages and break down all boxes. Yes, Virginia, you can get a paper cut from an Amazon box. And a cereal box. And basically any cardboard boxes you try to mess with. I’ve done this at least twice this year. Once in January, and once in December. Yes, I use Twitter to document most of my life mistakes, so I can remember them.
To-do list hot tip
Make sure to include items like “rest,” “nap,” and relax” on your to-do list. Your mind and body will thank you. While you’re at it, consider making a to-done list instead of a to-do list. Write out your list at the end of the night and cross it all off simultaneously. It’s good for the soul.
Butt dial hot tip
If your husband or wife or partner shares a name with people you haven’t spoken to in years…and those people are still in your phone, it’s time to delete them. Or at the very least change their names in your phone. Because using voice activation to dial a number means you might just accidentally call an ex. Or an ex-friend. Or your best frenemy. All because you left their digits on your phone.
Bonus tip: If you have an ex’s or ex-friend’s phone number still in your phone, it’s probably time to delete it. Unless you still think you’re Carrie Bradshaw or Loralei Gilmore or something. Then, go with God, my child.
May your New Year be full of magic and hope and dream chasing.
Monday Memories: I Injure Myself More Than Anyone I Know
Obviously. If you’ve been here more than once, you’ve probably read one of my tales in which I’ve fallen down. Maybe it was that one
Monday Memories: Vacation? Or Hell? But James Van Der Beek was there!
Everyone’s got at least one “vacation” that wasn’t a vacation at all. I, of course, have several. My mom probably thinks that I’m going to
Sometimes I Think About Lighting my Hair on Fire
I picture a lot of crazy thoughts during the course of my day. These thought cause some serious anxiety. But I figure, maybe if I
Monday Memories: Embarrassing Moments
I’ve decided to start making the Monday Memories topical, so that anyone who participates with me has some direction for their posts. The goal, remember,
Hematoma, My Ass
I had intended to tell you about Second Thanksgiving, you know…on Thanksgiving…but then I got really mad at the stores that were opening up too
I Got Bullied by the Intern
OK, so my plan has always been to keep my workplace shenanegins off the blog. You know, separate church and state. Except that I just