That One Time You Asked Me For Ridiculous and Impossible Blog-Souvenirs From My Vacation? This is What You Get.

February 3, 2014 by 18 Comments

I was on vacation. For a whole week. 8 days to be exact. 8 days out of Chicago. 8 days out of the cold. 8 days in Florida. On a tiny little island, where grandparents hang out with each other and walk on the beach together with Chrissy. You asked me for the following:

  • Gators modeling swimsuits.
  • The hottest guy you can find. I want the six-pack, tattoos and everything. And you can say it was totally my fault if you get in trouble. SEE, I’m already a bad old lady!
  • Every beach has “that guy.” You’ll know him when you see him. I want to see him and maybe a great woman in a two piece suit to remind my wife how fun vacation is and that we need to start saving if we plan on going.
  • Awkward people.
  • Maybe a great pic of you and Brian and a palm tree.
  • Dolphins!!
  • Toes in the sand (a request from a Google Hangout)

Unfortunately…I didn’t see ANY gators in swimsuits. The lucky bitches were all naked.

Turtle gator ride

Would you settle for a turtle taking a gator ride?

Finding hot guys on Marco Island is tough. I totally was a creeper and took this one, just for you. Closest I could find.

The back end of a hot guy

The back end of a [maybe] hot guy (also includes “that guy” and one of the “awkward people.”) Fuck, I’m awesome.

OK, fine. You asked for awkward people. As if that guy isn’t enough. And me taking a picture of those two guys. And really, me in general…I’m pretty fucking awkward. But fine.

Random strangers on the beach

And if that’s not enough for you, I went all the way. I randomly video’ed the beach just to show you how far I’m willing to go for you guys. Point out the awkward, hot, etc etc…BTW, the guy reading the book? Totally hot just because he was reading a book. That is all.

My mom wanted Brian and I by a palm tree…

Beach vacation

There are palm trees back there somewhere

I fucked up on the dolphin picture. So I didn’t really know how to work my camera on Day 1…when the fucking dolphins were 20-30 feet off the shore. Brian’s dad kept telling me to run in to swim with them (not understanding that I wanted to PAY money to swim with tame dolphins…not get raped by wild dolphins…)

So here are dolphins from last year.

Dolphin pictures

OK fine. This dolphin is from 2 years ago. You love me anyway, right?

You really don’t WANT to see the Flintstoes…but I’ll show ’em off anyways.

Underwater

Things you didn’t ask to see, but I’ll show you for funsies:

So, Blog Friends, I’ve got a few more posts with random happenings from last week lined up, but based on the pictures above, what do YOU think happened on my vacation? Tell me a story. The funniest story wins a fabulous mystery prize. Ready. Set. Go.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: Travel Tagged With: awkward, beach, funny, Marco Island, people on the beach, vacation, weird

Maybe You Guys Can Figure Out What This Meant

June 24, 2013 by 14 Comments

So I was garage sailing this weekend and walked up to a house with a guy in his late 30’s-early 40’s. I did a quick lap and noticed all baby things, and was about to check out (as obviously, I don’t need any of those things), when the guy said to me, “You look like a Baby GAP person.”

I’m sorry…What?

This comment has resonated with me for 2 days now. Because I can’t seem to figure out what the hell he meant by that. I was wearing all Victoria’s Secret PINK clothing and Skechers gym shoes. What about that screamed GAP? Even more so, what about me screamed “baby?”

Was it an insult or a compliment? I didn’t examine the clothing closely, so I don’t know if he had a vast selection of Baby GAP crap or not. My response was just, “nope, no babies.”

What do you think blog friends? Compliment or Insult? Or just plain weird?

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: Quick Blurb Tagged With: Baby GAP, clothes, crazy things that happen to me, garage sales, judging, PINK, weird

You Guys, I Couldn’t Make This Shit Up If I Tried

June 3, 2013 by 16 Comments

Let me tell you a little story. Sometimes, I just sort of plop down on the floor. Especially if I have been squatting to reach something on the bottom of the fridge. And I am tired.

And so there I was sitting on the kitchen floor the other day after work and Brian brought me a glass of water. And then dragged this giant helium balloon over and said to me, “Hold onto this. It will help you get up.” And he pulled. And pulled. And I still didn’t get up. And then he laughed a little. And then took my picture. And I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE that while he was telling me to pull down or move my water glass that he had a plan. I didn’t realize it until I LOOKED at the pictures what he was doing. I thought he just couldn’t see my face.

Smiley Face BalloonSmiley Face BalloonSmiley Face BalloonSmiley Face Balloon

For the record? I was Stone. Cold. Sober.

Tell me something ridiculous about you. Please. So I don’t feel quite as…special. Thanks!

Tomorrow I’ll be announcing last week’s giveaway winners! So stay tuned.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: Quick Blurb Tagged With: balloons, being weird, silly boyfriend, weird

Two Years Seems Like Just Yesterday AND Like Forever

March 22, 2013 by 8 Comments

Two years ago, Brian took me out on a date. And so today is our anniversary. (It is also Katie’s birthday–and thanks to this anniversary shenanigans, I finally remember that.)

In honor of our anniversary, I’ve composed a thank you letter/list to Brian. For always being there. For always being the best. For putting up with me. For being my best friend. For being the ONLY person in the whole world that I can spend as much time with as I do without wanting to kill each other. At all. Ever. Okay…maybe just like once. But definitely not usually.

To Brian on our second anniversary of being us,

It feels like I’ve known you forever, and yet the time has flown faster than I could possibly imagine. I have so many things in my life to be thankful for, and you are most definitely one of them. But I also have a lot of things to thank YOU for…and so I compiled this very poetic list.

Thank you for always knowing exactly where I am…
Even when I have no fucking clue
And for directing me out of being lost
Especially at the train station in the city which is flipping huge.
 
Thank you for not being mad…
That one time I parked your car in the city and forgot that city parking requires payment.
And that other time I accidentally got drunk and needed a ride from Naperville…
And that other time I accidentally dyed your bathroom rug red…
And that other time I took you to a party in the city and apologized a whole lot for being drunk. And losing my wallet. And falling off a booth. That I was sitting on.
And all of those times I forgot to turn the stove off.
 
Thank you for suggesting that we go to Disney World,
Even though it’s probably the last place on Earth you wanted to go…
And even if you don’t actually remember being the one to suggest it.
 
Thank you for force feeding me Doctor Who…
Until I decided that it was amazing
And became obsessed and all of a sudden loved the Doctor way more than you do.
 
Thank you for not thinking I’m CRAZY
When I cry for no reason
And when I tell you about how I’m going to be famous one day
And when I refuse to walk to my car to get my glasses but will drive all the way to the Wisconsin for cheese
And for everything else that I do that makes me just a little bit different from other girls.
On that note, thank you for thinking my quirks are adorable instead of annoying
 
Thank you for laughing at my really stupid jokes…
And actually thank you for cracking your own stupid jokes
So that I always have something to laugh at.
 
Thank you for allowing me the creative license to remember things slightly different…
Especially when I write blog posts…
 
Most importantly, thank you for being you.
You know exactly how to make me smile.
I have so many wonderful things to say about you,
But I know that you hate the spotlight.
I think the world knows how much you mean to me,
And if they don’t…
They can all bugger off.
Because you’re the cheese to my mac.
The cheese to my puffs.
The cheese to my sandwich.
And the chocolate to my cheese.
 
Anniversary Card

This is my anniversary card to Brian. You’ll note that my happy places include Disney, Cheese, and Brian. Sometimes all at the same time.

 

 
Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: Love and Relationships Tagged With: anniversaries, being weird, boyfriends, crazy, love, love and relationships, Love letter, relationships, special occasions, weird

11 Things I Think in Yoga Class

March 20, 2013 by 7 Comments

I know that in yoga, you’re supposed to meditate and find your inner chi or peace or something…

Instead, my mind starts to wander and I have some very valuable (and bizarre) thoughts. It’s almost as good as my shower thinking (which is where I do all of my big thinking). A lot of the thoughts I have are about my boobs. But you’d think about your boobs a lot too, if you spent multiple minutes at a time with your face in your own tits. Fucking yoga.
Yoga

11 Things I Think While Meditating in Yoga Asanas

I wonder what would happen if I try that next pose?

My boobs are fucking ginormous.

He (the instructor) wants me to do what?

I have the worst frontal wedgie in the history of ever.

So this is what a motorboat feels like.

I don’t care what Special K said, a power bar does not equal dinner.

I wonder if I could pop my boobs like a balloon.

I wonder if anyone would notice me pull my underwear out of my crotch.

My feet are fucking freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Is that pose even possible?

I’m supposed to be meditating. Is thinking about dinner meditating?

Blog friends, what do you think about when you’re working out?

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: Adulthood Tagged With: being weird, meditation, random thoughts, things I think, weird, work out, yoga

Wordless Meets WTF Wednesday: The Adventures of Olive Baby

February 27, 2013 by 22 Comments

Yeah… I have no clue. This was taken a few years ago on “Sunday Funday.”

Meet Olive Baby

Meet Olive Baby

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby in her hot tub

Olive Baby takes a nap

Olive Baby takes a nap or gets stabbed. One of those.

 Blog Friends, Have YOU ever done anything strange when you were out at the bar? Tell me! Don’t make me feel totally alone and embarrassed here.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: WTF Wednesday Tagged With: bars, drinking, food, humor, olive baby, strange, weird, Wordless Wednesday, WTF, WTF Wednesday

Conversations I Have With Brian (And How We’re Totally Weird)

January 17, 2013 by 6 Comments

So Brian must really get sick of me asking him…Every single time….if I can write about something that he says. And usually (especially when it’s REALLY good stuff) he says no. And then I am stuck giving you less than funny conversations that happen.

But seriously, we have ridiculous conversations. Ridiculously AWESOME conversations. We talk seriously in knock knock jokes…case in point:

As we’re going to bed…

Brian: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don’t know, Brian, why?
Brian: To get to the lunatic’s house.
Me: I don’t get it.
 
Brian: Knock Knock?
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Chicken!
 

It took me a while to get it.

Me: Very funny, BRIAN.
 

And then I laughed for real, because it was actually kind of funny.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Brian: I don’t know…why?
Me: To show the raccoon, the possum, and the fox that it can be done!
 
Brian: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interr…
Brian: MOO!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s There?
Me: Banana.
Brian: Banana who?
Me: Knock Knock?
Brian: Orange, right? Orange you glad right?
Me: You’re cheating!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s there?
Me: Gorilla.
Brian: Gorilla who?
Me: Gorilla my dreams! I love you! Except that really you should be saying this to me.
Brian: But you’re not the gorilla of my dreams…
Me: GIRL of your dreams, BRIAN. GIRL. UGH!
 
Brian: Cow walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”
 
Me: Brian walks into a bar…
Me: Chrissy ducks.
 
Brian: That doesn’t sound right…
 
Brian: Two droids walk into the bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here.”
Me: That’s not funny.
Brian: Oh. Actually that’s just a Star Wars quote.
 

And then I laugh hysterically, because his delivery was hilarious.

Me: Remind me to write about that…
Brian: People aren’t going to think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: Yes they will. It was really funny.

The next day…

Me: What was it that you said that wasn’t funny at all?
Brian: Two droids walk into a bar. The bartender says we don’t serve your kind here. And then I told you it was a Star Wars quote.
Me: That’s not very funny.
Brian: Which is probably why you JUST asked me for the thing I told you last night that wasn’t funny.
Me: But I thought it was funny last night.
Brian: But you were expecting it today.
 

What about you guys? What weird things do you talk about or do with your significant other?

 
Love is Finding Someone to be Weird With
 
 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
Filed Under: The Present Tagged With: being weird, boyfriends, humor blog, knock knock jokes, love, love and relationships, relationships, silly boyfriend, weird
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