Archives for July 2016

Perfect Date Ideas if Killing a Man Sounds Like a Hot Date

A few weeks ago, we had our first shower. It was lovely, and Brian’s family is wonderful, and I love them. 

Wedding shower games: Date Jar

One of the activities at said shower was a Date Jar. It was super adorable and everyone seemed to really enjoy participating. So, of course, I thought it would be fun to read them all aloud. 

And I was right.

Lots of perfect date ideas ensued, including recreating our first date, heading to an escape room, eating cheese, doing yoga, and playing Scrabble, and hunting Pokemon (which I had then yet to download). 

Wedding shower games: Date Jar date suggestions  (cheese tour, coupled yoga)

Luckily for everyone, though, there were a couple real gems that had us all laughing…and me admitting to probably a little too much. 

Netflix and Chill

YOU GUYS. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT NETFLIX AND CHILL MEANT. I mean I knew by the time I read it on the date jar. But it was maybe…two months ago that I learned what it meant. I always thought it was just…snuggling up with the couch (sometimes by yourself,  other times with anyone who doesn’t want to be productive) and binge watching Netflix.

While at a friend’s house, I discovered a whole new meaning of the phrase during a group conversation. Apparently, it’s code for come over and ahem make out and bang. A light bulb went on above my head and I was like whaaaaaat?
And so, being the completely improper lady that I am, I took it upon myself to explain to Brian’s family what Netflix and chill meant, and that I had just recently learned about it. I mean, if that’s the most inappropriate thing I did, I think I did okay. 

Make a Blanket Fort and Watch Movies

This was just one of my favorites. No funny business here. Because blanket forts are AWESOME. 

Bring one of your favorite movie scenes to life

I’m thinking Brian’s going to veto sitting on the dining room table kissing over a birthday cake (mine would be cheesecake). And he’s probably going to say no when I call him farm boy and boss him around. 

Wedding shower games: Date Jar date suggestions  (blanket forts, Netflix and chill, reenact a movie scene)

And then there was this one:

Wedding shower games: Date Jar date suggestions  (kill a man?)

After the initial omg reaction, Brian and I started coming up with ways to kill a man without actually injuring an actual human. We could play Clue and kill Mr. Body in the library with the wrench. We could watch a movie on Netflix that has someone else killing a man. The creative possibilities are endless. 

What are some of your favorite date ideas? Did you know what Netflix and chill meant?

This post is part of my partnership with Netflix as a member of the stream team. I received a year’s subscription of Netflix and a device on which to binge watch shows like Gilmore Girls. As always, all opinions and thoughts are my own. 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I’m Voting for Hillary. Period.

I voted for Barack Obama in the 2008 Illinois Primary.

I voted for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 Illinois Primary.

I’m not a feminist. I’m a humanist.

I don’t love Hillary, but I intend to vote for her. I intend to share my beliefs. I intend to use my digital platform to support her.  I intend to dedicate whatever I can to helping our country elect her as president, not because she’s a woman, but because the other outcome is too scary to possibly imagine.

I will still share my life. You will still see pictures, videos, and mishaps as Brian and I walk down the aisle and continue our life together. You’ll still hear about me walking into poles, tripping over invisible wires, and stealing my best friend’s car. But if you follow me anywhere, you’re going to see a proud as fuck Hillary supporter. BECAUSE THE OTHER OUTCOME IS TOO SCARY TO POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

Hillary for President. Because the other outcome is too scary to possibly imagine. Click To Tweet

I understand that many of you are planning on voting for a third party candidate, which is your right as an American. But in this two-party system we’ve got going on (one that won’t be changing in the next 3 months), you’re wasting your vote. And if The Donald is elected? It will be partially your fault. You want to change the two party system? Great. CHANGE IT. Petition the men and women of congress. Petition your representatives. But don’t think for a second that Donald Trump isn’t using this two party system to his advantage.

If you can honestly say that you support the racist, sexist, egotistical, narcissistic bigot because you believe in his version of America…there’s the door, if you will. But if you’re more afraid of Hillary than of Trump…why don’t you do a little more research. Why don’t you listen to the horrifying words that come out of that orange-faced mouth every fucking day. He’s not a conservative and he’s not a Republican.

I support Hillary. I’m with her. And I’m ready to use my voice and fight for her election. Because I have faith. And hope. And I believe in her, just like I believe in you. Be better.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Thought a Spider Tried to Kill Me. Actually, I Have Shingles and I’m Obviously Dying.

That’s pretty much my story. I woke up last week with an itchy itchy bug bite. No. Set of bug bites.

bug bites or shingles

Except I don’t really get bug bites. Ever. I mean, not mosquito bites anyways. Spiders regularly try to kill me. Death bugs hunt me in my sleep. One time, I got eaten alive by something in the sandbox that made me super sick and taught me never to go near the sandbox (also, that’s where I see the leprechaun. He tells me to burn things).

So maybe I do get bug bites. But not mosquito bites like normal people. I’m lucky like that.

Anyways, hypochondriac that I am, I ask Brian if maybe I have scabies. He’s all, “No, Chrissy. It’s a fucking spider bite. Stop being crazy.”

So then, I tell Brian, “A spider tried to kill me.”

He shook his head and said, “I know.”

I asked him what he was going to do about it, but he didn’t want to go spider hunting. I don’t know what I was expecting; he didn’t even want to go Pokemon hunting with me.

And then Dr. Mom looks at it, and she’s all, “That’s shingles.”

And then my aunt looks at it, and she’s all, “It’s definitely a staph infection.”

I’m sure if my dad were there, he would have told me to put some Windex on it.

Mom looks at it the next day, “No, maybe it’s not shingles. Maybe a spider did try to kill you.”

When the itchy itchy bug bite hadn’t gone away in 4 days, Brian started Googling shingles. And comparing pictures of shingles to my back. And then Dr. Google convinced him that I needed to go to the doctor. Which is usually when I go see her.

So yesterday I made my way into the doc’s office, where I told her I come from a long line of hypochondriacs (I often tell her stupid shit like, “I’m dying” and “I’m a hypochondriac.” Quite frankly, I’m not sure why she puts up with me).

She took one look at my backdomen and told me it was shingles, and proceeded to explain everything the internet already told Brian and me the night before. I nodded appreciatively and made her think she wasn’t totally wasting her time on me, and then she told me that it’s only contagious to people who haven’t had chicken pox and somehow come in contact with the itty bitty rash under my bra line. So basically, I have to take giant pills, use the topical steroid from that one time I burned my ass and keep my shirt on. Done and done.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Should You Really Pinterest Your Own Wedding?

Pinterest for wedding planning is getting out of control. It’s all DIY this and DIY that. And FML this and FML that.

Come up with the perfect save the dates!

Design the most creative invitations!

Your wedding favors: handled!

These centerpieces will blow your mind!

If you’re insane, these wedding photo ideas will totally impress your photographer!

Exclamation points and lies, my friends. Pinterest is full of exclamation points and lies (Except when I’m pinning shit to Pinterest. That’s all stuff that I know is possible. Because I’ve done it. And I’m not crazy. Well…except maybe when it comes to Halloween).

Do you really want to Pinterest your wedding-

But for our wedding…instead of listening to Pinterest’s bullshit, I have a 12 step program that is sure to keep you level headed and stress-free through the whole wedding planning process.

Step 1: Get great idea (maybe from Pinterest, maybe from the depths of your cluttered brain. Whatever works for you, lady).

Step 2: Consider the work that goes into great idea.

Step 3: Ask yourself is this REALLY something you want to do with your time?

Step 4: Say yes.

Step 5: Ask yourself if you can buy it on the internet.

Step 6: If yes, check pricing and proceed to step 7. If no, proceed to step 8.

Step 7: If price is reasonable (math out the time it would take to create such nonsense, and then multiply that by your hourly rate), buy it on the internet. You no longer need to continue. If the price is bullshit, proceed to step 8.

Step 8: Okay, now it’s time to consult your MOH. If you haven’t already told her, you should probably make sure she knows to shut it the fuck down when you get Griswold Goggles. She should not volunteer to help. She should remind you (and she’s the only one who can do this – everyone else better tell you all your ideas are fucking brilliant and keep their mouths shut when they don’t like one of them to avoid you wanting to kick them in the shins or cry or both) that you didn’t want to stress, and your DIY projects are never fully completed, and even when they are, they’re usually horror scenes.

Step 9: Try to rationalize with her.

Step 10: Remember why you gave her permission to shoot your crazy ideas down. Consider alternatives that you can buy on the internet.

Step 11: If you still really want what you want, recruit 27 other people to help you make it happen. Preferably someone with a glue gun and knowledge of how to make shit happen, and you, my friend, are on your own. If you’ve finally wised up, move on to step 12.

Step 12: Congratulations. You’ve successfully talked yourself out of making 9,000 origami swans, hand-crafted invitations for a guest list of 600, and centerpieces that will take 4 months to complete. Now, go buy yourself a beer with the time and money you’ve saved. Your wedding is going to be fucking awesome no matter what. You’ll be surrounded by the people you love as you pledge to spend the rest of y our life with the person who makes you the happiest and your life the fullest.

No one’s going to remember that you used white tablecloths and you had a full beach scene inside a glass jar in the center of every table. Nope. They will remember your smile as you said “I do.” Or the song your besties jammed out to on the dance floor. Or the fucking fantastic thing you paid a billion dollars for on the internet because you didn’t want to make it but obviously you needed it. And if they don’t remember. Don’t worry. You paid a photographer to capture fucking everything anyway.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!