I Thought a Spider Tried to Kill Me. Actually, I Have Shingles and I’m Obviously Dying.

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That’s pretty much my story. I woke up last week with an itchy itchy bug bite. No. Set of bug bites.

bug bites or shingles

Except I don’t really get bug bites. Ever. I mean, not mosquito bites anyways. Spiders regularly try to kill me. Death bugs hunt me in my sleep. One time, I got eaten alive by something in the sandbox that made me super sick and taught me never to go near the sandbox (also, that’s where I see the leprechaun. He tells me to burn things).

So maybe I do get bug bites. But not mosquito bites like normal people. I’m lucky like that.

Anyways, hypochondriac that I am, I ask Brian if maybe I have scabies. He’s all, “No, Chrissy. It’s a fucking spider bite. Stop being crazy.”

So then, I tell Brian, “A spider tried to kill me.”

He shook his head and said, “I know.”

I asked him what he was going to do about it, but he didn’t want to go spider hunting. I don’t know what I was expecting; he didn’t even want to go Pokemon hunting with me.

And then Dr. Mom looks at it, and she’s all, “That’s shingles.”

And then my aunt looks at it, and she’s all, “It’s definitely a staph infection.”

I’m sure if my dad were there, he would have told me to put some Windex on it.

Mom looks at it the next day, “No, maybe it’s not shingles. Maybe a spider did try to kill you.”

When the itchy itchy bug bite hadn’t gone away in 4 days, Brian started Googling shingles. And comparing pictures of shingles to my back. And then Dr. Google convinced him that I needed to go to the doctor. Which is usually when I go see her.

So yesterday I made my way into the doc’s office, where I told her I come from a long line of hypochondriacs (I often tell her stupid shit like, “I’m dying” and “I’m a hypochondriac.” Quite frankly, I’m not sure why she puts up with me).

She took one look at my backdomen and told me it was shingles, and proceeded to explain everything the internet already told Brian and me the night before. I nodded appreciatively and made her think she wasn’t totally wasting her time on me, and then she told me that it’s only contagious to people who haven’t had chicken pox and somehow come in contact with the itty bitty rash under my bra line. So basically, I have to take giant pills, use the topical steroid from that one time I burned my ass and keep my shirt on. Done and done.

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16 Responses

  1. OMG, I had those mother clucking shingles last Aug/Sept during an incredibly ridiculous heat wave plus I was trying to close down my business and get rid of inventory and fixtures at the same time. I thought I was dying. I wanted to die and come back as a tree because trees are strong and represent flippin’ wisdom and, for once, I wanted to appear wise in my life. But I digress.

    Shingles are the worst things EVER. I feel your pain and I feel your itch. We are now joined at the hip in our shingle-ness. Hang in there.

    1. Apparently, stress brings them on. So all the crazy you had going on helped bring those bitchy itchies to fruition. My doctor was like “have you been super stressed?”
      “Ummm…planning a wedding? Work life? Back problems? Maybe a little.”

      1. Exactly. Stress is flippin’ awful and it appears you most definitely are experiencing some. Sigh. I love the term bitchie itchies and I hope I never ever get those mother clucking bitchi itchies again.

  2. You and I are on the SAME exact track. Thought a spider got me on Saturday, then maybe a herd of spiders. Google. Doctor. Now hiding braless in house trying to find the zipper that will unzip my skin.

  3. Ohhhhhhh shingles SUCKS! SO sorry you got it! I had it and it was awful – I was in SO much pain with the achey bones bit. I hope you just have the itch! I hope it goes AWAY!

  4. Just got bit by a nasty spider or shingles?? First I went with daughter to trailer against my better judgement. Slept on uncomfortable sofa bed. Tried to dispose of a spider I
    Noticed on ceiling but he got away. I got bite by a mosquito while having my coffee outside in morning which inched a bit but my back was in severe pain from the sofa bed I thought! Well the next day mosquito bite was worse and felt like it had also bit me on my back. I
    Was in such severe pain I called Physio to get in to fix my back. That was a wasted trip.. pain getting worse… I am now a week into this pain! So I go to doctor and she gives me a a prescription to elevate the pain.
    Hydrocortisone that is doing nothing! I though she was going to prescribe pain killers. So temporary I am working with borrowed pills which are getting me through this insane pain! zoplicone sleeping ad, finally makes me sleep but sure isn’t helping with pain!!
    Spider bite or shingles. Whatever it is I am ready to totally give up with our medical professionals!

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