Archives for February 2013

Because Writer’s Block Sucks

Thank God for Lily from It’s a Dome Life. Every post I’ve sat down to write today has been…either not suitable for publishing or needs a little more work. But then Lily went and tagged me in her chain blog survey (which I promise not to tag you if you don’t want to be tagged), and answered a prayer.

Remember when these used to go out in mass e-mails to all of your best friends? I had a girlfriend in high school who would create her own…100+ questions of pure survey joy. In multicolor. This was also the days of shared notebooks that got passed around with notes back and forth to each other. Do kids still do that? Inquiring minds and all that shit…

Without further ado, here is the delightful survey of 25 questions regarding yours truly. Enjoy. I did.

1. Where were you born? I was born in the suburbs of Chicago. It is cold here. But then it gets super hot. And then cold again. If you don’t like the weather in Chicago, wait five minutes. Seriously. I’d love to move to Florida, or somewhere else that is warm and delightful. Unfortunately, I have this huge family here, and would never want to leave them. Which makes Brian ask the question, “So if you were born in Siberia, would you just…stay in Siberia your whole life?” Probably. But my plan is to get famous and travel. A lot. Especially in the winter time.

2. Were you named after someone? Yep. Mom has told me that she wanted to name me Brandy (such a FINE girl) or Annabelle Lee (hello morbid Poe poem much?) Luckily, Dad named me after his favorite cousin, Christine, and his mom, Regina.

3. How many children do you have? None. But I make an excellent Auntie Chrissy.

4. How many pets do you have? Well, unless you count Rufus, none. But one day, we’re going to have a pet sloth and name him Ebenezer. And maybe a pet baby penguin. Which I will give to Katie when he grows up and loses the fluffy appeal.

Rufus the stuffed dog

Last Valentine’s Day, out of sheer pressure from the outside world to get me something, Brian got me a dog. Albeit, he’s a stuffed dog, but he’s lovable.

5. Your worst injury. HA! I have so many injuries that I can’t even think about which was the worst. But probably the knee sprain. That shit was painful. And still hurts sometimes, even though it was 10 years ago.

6. Do you have a special talent? Does injuring ones’ self count? I think I’m a pretty talented writer. I mean…not to toot my own horn (OK, yes I’m tooting my own horn, here), but I’m pretty good at it.

7. Favorite thing to bake. I like to bake cookies that come out of a package. And then I eat half the cookie dough. One for me, one for the pan. One for me…and then the ones that I bake are warm and fresh and delicious. And I eat those too. With lots of milk.

8. Favorite Fast Food. Portillo’s. Oh man I love Portillo’s. But not for the hot dogs. Nope. While they are delicious, they just aren’t as delicious as a beef and cheddar croissant with hot peppers. Which I had for breakfast. Which cleared my sinuses long enough for the Pseudophedrine to kick in. And the cheese fries. Best. Cheese fries. Ever. And I don’t even LIKE french fries. They are merely the edible spoon with which to eat the cheese (That’s a direct quote from Katie, btw).

9. Would you bungee jump? Hell no. But you know why? Because they hold you by your ankles. And I have weak ankles. Skydiving, on the other hand. I’m in. That shit is on my bucket list. I love the feeling of a free fall.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people? Honestly, I’m not sure. And I think it depends on the person. So maybe it’s whatever stands out about the person. When I met Brian, it was his eyes. When I met Katie it was her smile.

11. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday. Don’t ask.

12. Any current worries. I’ve been known to worry more than some. I’ve got several things on my mind, but believe it or not, Blog Friends, there are some things that I just don’t want public.

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Coffee, water, tea. God, I love my Keurig.

14. What’s your favorite book? Pride and Prejudice

15. Would you like to be a pirate? Yes. I have a treasure hunt obsession. McDonald’s Monopoly. Disney Pin Trading. Seashell hunting. It can get bad.  And then I would swim with the dolphins when I wasn’t busy pirating.

16. Favorite Smells. I love this question. I also love the following smells in no particular order: Hallmark (except the overly candled shops…too much of a good thing ruins the fresh card and wrapping paper smell. Seriously). Old books. New books. Lemon. Cookies. Burning leaves. Spring. Lilacs.

17. Why do you blog? Fame, fortune, and free stuff. No, seriously, I blog because I love to write, and there is this amazing online community of people who not only support my writing, they inspire it. Reading blogs and commenting on blogs inspires me to write new blog posts, to challenge myself, and to explore writing beyond any realm I’ve ever dreamed of.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral? Green Day. Basket Case JOKING! I mean Time of Your Life. And then a whole lot of party pop. Because who doesn’t love party pop? I’m Polish and Irish. We celebrate the shit out of someone’s life. So you better damn well celebrate the shit out of mine. In 100 years when I die of extreme age.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself. Tough call. I think it’s my innate ability to apologize for everything, even when I haven’t done anything wrong. This bothers Brian to no end, and I don’t even know why I do it. I’m going to go ahead and blame Mom for this one. (Sorry, Mom!) See what I did there?

20. Favorite hobby. Writing. Definitely writing. And cooking. Definitely cooking. But I also enjoy pretending I’m going to do things that I find on Pinterest.

21. Name something you’ve done, you never thought you would do? This is the toughest question of the bunch. And I’m really not entirely sure. I mean, my life plan didn’t exactly work out the way that I thought it would. But that was me not doing things I thought I would do. I’m going to go ahead and skip this question.

22. What do you look for in a friend. I like my friends to be overall awesome in nature. They should have a great sense of humor, positive attitudes, and think I’m just as fantastic as I think they are. They also need to be pretty smart. I get bored when people who can’t carry on an interesting conversation. Does that make me an asshole?

23. Favorite Fun things to do? Being silly with Brian. Sometimes we’ll just laugh for hours with no clue as to how we started or what we were laughing about. He’s the best.

24. Pet peeves. Oh God, I have so many pet peeves. That guy in the movie theater whose phone rings…and then he answers it…or worse ignores it, but fails to turn the sound off and it happens again and again and again. That’s a huge one. I’ve also experienced this in a church. Not cool, dude. Not cool.

25. Whats the last thing that made you laugh? There were some pretty excellent comments on my Facebook post this morning. I laughed pretty hard at those. (Oh yes, I’m going to make you go and check them out.)

So now I’m tagging ANYONE who is reading this and wants to post the answers on their own blog. Because I love all of you. 🙂

OH! And while you’re at it…feel free to go and vote for the Bloggies (fancy People’s Choice Style Blog Awards)! I’m a finalist (Along with my blog friends, Katie from Words for Worms, Joules from Pocketful of Joules, and April from First Time Mom and Dad).

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Meets WTF Wednesday: The Adventures of Olive Baby

Yeah… I have no clue. This was taken a few years ago on “Sunday Funday.”

Meet Olive Baby

Meet Olive Baby

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby in her hot tub

Olive Baby takes a nap

Olive Baby takes a nap or gets stabbed. One of those.

 Blog Friends, Have YOU ever done anything strange when you were out at the bar? Tell me! Don’t make me feel totally alone and embarrassed here.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

The Rumpelstiltskin Problem: What Problem?

Woah!

(If you, too heard Joey Lawrence in your head and thought, you know…Matthew Lawrence was always the more attractive brother, then we should be friends.)

Anyways, I’ve got another book review for the wonderful Project Fairy Tale hosted by The Cheap Reader. And it was flippin’ awesome. Finally a fairy tale rewrite I can get behind. And in front of. And all over, because I thought it was that fun.

 

Project Fairy Tale

So Katie at Words for Worms recently reviewed Cloaked in Red by Vivian Vande Velde and after reading her positive review I was stoked, because I was waiting for my paper copy (yes, a real live book) of The Rumpelstiltskin Problem, also by Vivian Vande Velde, to arrive in the mail. Of course, I’m not used to waiting this long for a freakin’ book…so I was a little antsy.

I got the book on a really great day for me and the US Postal Service. I received 2 packages, a letter (OK invitation to a baby shower), and I got my very own PO box, so that I have an address that isn’t my home in my contact information! Not only all of this exciting stuff, but also our mail carrier, who is patient and wonderful even though I stalk her asking about packages (because they won’t leave them outside our door…and then I have to wait until 8am the next day, and it’s very annoying) had already brought the packages inside with the help of our neighbors. It was very nice of everyone involved. </ramble>

ANYWAYS! Opening the package to find this adorable little hard cover that I paid like $2 for was incredibly exciting for me. (The other package was 4 boxes of K-cups for my Keurig of JOY) A little over 100 pages of pure joy, this book was an absolute delight.

Sure, it was most definitely written for a younger audience, but hey…SO WAS TOY STORY! And we laughed. We cried.  We loved it. And there were jokes that we totally got.  Same goes for The Rumpelstiltskin Problem. Funny. Smart. CLEVER. This book was a great quick distraction this weekend, when I had 5-10 minutes to spare. Each of the short Rumpelstiltskin takes in this book were short, sweet, and awesome. A female Rumpel? Yep. A vodka drinking Miller? Yep. A fat little gnome who reminds me of a happier house elf? Yep.

Triple V aims to answer all of the questions that the original Rumpelstiltskin leaves out. Why is the king such a douche? Why does Rumpel want a baby? Why is the Miller such a bad father? What else is going on behind the music? This lady has the answers and she’s good at it.

In total, this one took me about an hour, maybe less to read. But it was worth every minute. If I thought she had a paper copy, I’d ask Katie to borrow Cloaked in Red…because I just know it’s got to be good.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Monday Memories: Punk Rock Prom Queen AKA Chrissy the Musical

This week’s theme for Monday Memories is music. When I posed the idea to my lovely lady bloggers, April and Lily of First Time Mom and Dad and It’s a Dome Life respectively, they both jumped at the thought. I was excited. And then…I thought about it…and I couldn’t think of what in the world I should write about.

I grew up with music. Dad was into the oldies music; Mom was into classic rock; My big sister was into 80’s hair bands and 90’s rock; and me? I was the classic NKOTB and Tiffany kind of kid. But can I think of something hilarious to tell you?

Yep.

Does anyone else walk through life imagining that hey are the star of their very own musical? Just me? Oh. Okay…well let me explain how this works.

Sometimes, I’ll be walking down the street…having a great day, and all of a sudden my head is full of a song.  More often than not, it’s a real song. Sometimes, I make up a song in my head. And it’s usually pretty terrible. But to be a fly on a wall inside my head…could be pretty amusing. Or frightening. One of those.

I sing sad songs and happy songs as my day or week progresses and sometimes, I even start dancing along with the music. I like to think that the musical version of my life is pretty awesome. I’ve decided to give you a list of real songs that often run through my head in the musical of my life. Some of these are mere snippets from the songs, others are the entire songs. I’ll let you figure out which ones are the snippets. Also, please don’t judge my random and sometimes terrible taste in music. People, I give you: Chrissy: The Musical

  • Basket Case by Green Day
  • All That Jazz from Chicago
  • A Thousand Years by Christina Perry
  • The Remedy by Jason Mraz
  • The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
  • Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
  • 3 Small Words from Josie and the Pussycats
  • Circus by Britney Spears
  • Seasons of Love from Rent
  • Anything by Bon Jovi before 2001
  • Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  • Tik Tok by Kesha

I know that there are more. I know that there are better, cooler songs. But I’m trying to finish this post today and not next year.

 

Monday Memories

Happy Monday everyone! Go visit Lily at It’s a Dome Life and April at First Time Mom and Dad for some more musical memories. Want to write about your memories with us? Send an e-mail to quirkychrissy@gmail.com to let me know!

ALSO, if you’re feeling so inclined, please feel free to make your way to the 2013 Bloggies to vote for me and other much more amazing bloggers (like Words for Worms, First Time Mom and Dad, and Pocketful of Joules)!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

The Oscars,The Bloggies, and Me

What? Posting non-news on a Sunday (when I haven’t even posted news in months)? Yep. Because I’m something of a attention whore, I’ve decided to get all dolled up for you. Well, you and I’m getting ready for my acceptance speech to the little people.

Tonight is the night of the Academy Awards and I can’t think of a better reason to put on my Sunday’s best and head to Sears….erm…get super dressed up. Except that yes, I can think of a better reason. I’ve been nominated and <holy shitballs>, I’m a finalist in the 2013 Bloggies for Best Writing of a Weblog. Now, I’m competing with my best friend AND The Bloggess…so I mean…it’s not going to be easy…I may only have a Snowball’s shot in Hell…but I thought I should be prepared. So today…today is red carpet day.

2013 Bloggies!

Chrissy and one of her best pals at a pre-party

2013 bloggies!

Rockin’ the red carpet at pre-parties with some more friends

Bloggies pre-party

Chrissy gets on the elevator of her hotel, on her way to another Bloggie pre-party

Bloggies

Chrissy and her “plus one” at the Bloggies

Red carpet photos

Chrissy of Quirky Chrissy and Katie of Words for Worms (rivals in this month’s competition) pose with some of their girlfriends at yet another pre-party. (Just because this pre-party happened 9 years ago, long before Quirky Chrissy was a thought in her head means NOTHING. Or everything. One of those.

So go take a little time and vote for me (AND MY FRIENDS) in the 2013 Weblog Awards. Because SOMEONE needs to give The Bloggess a run for her money!

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Confession Friday: My First Poem

Chrissy

Children's Poetry

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Tastefully Simple Recipe Ideas – Dips and Desserts!

Good morning, Blog Friends!

Tastefully Simple Products

I spent a brief period selling Tastefully Simple products (and was terrible at it, mostly because I only wanted the discount and didn’t really focus on the selling part), so I’m quite familiar with them. And they rock.

The perks of Tastefully Simple

  • Tastefully Simple products are great for people who love good food and don’t have a lot of time to spend cooking. All of the products can be easily made using 1-2 ingredients within an hour.
  • The possibilities are endless. I’ve included some of the recipes that I created with TS products on my own, but the website also offers a HUGE recipe bank of ideas.
  • They offer standard and seasonal products, so the product list is always changing, but they always offer fan favorites.
  • The products will ship to your door quickly and easily by purchasing items through their online shop.

Here are 3 recipes of my own creation that I absolutely LOVE:

Light Spinach and Bacon Dip

Bacon Bacon

  • 1 cup light sour cream
  • 1/2 cup light mayo
  • 2 Tbs Tastefully Simple Bacon Bacon™
  • 1 Tbs Tastefully Simple Spinach & Herb Dip Mix

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl and serve with raw veggies, pretzels, or reduced guilt potato chips (I like Trader Joe’s the best). Brian and I may or may not have consumed an entire bag of chips and the whole damn dip during one weekend Dr. Who marathon…

Absolutely Almond Pound Cake™ French Toast with Strawberry Rhubarb Syrup

Absolutely Almond Pound Cake

This is NOT a light recipe. But it’s certainly a delicious one.

Pound Cake recipe:

  • 1 box Tastefully Simple Absolutely Almond Pound Cake Mix™
  • 3/4 cup butter (I use whipped butter)
  • 1 cup water

Mix ingredients, pour into a greased loaf pan, and bake at 325 for 45 minutes.

French toast  and syrup recipe:

  • 4 slices of Tastefully Simple Absolutely Almond Pound Cake™
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1 Tbs Tastefully Simple Rhubarb Strawberry Fruit Spread

Combine egg and milk-stir well. Coat each slice of pound cake lightly in the egg mixture. Heat a greased pan to medium heat, and place the coated slices in the pan. Cook each side until golden brown. Combine maple syrup and fruit spread, stirring well. (Optional: warm syrup in the microwave). Serve.

Key Lime Coconut Yogurt Fruit Dip

Tastefully Simple Key Lime Cheese Ball

  • 1 box Tastefully Simple Key Lime Cheese Ball Mix
  • 1 cup fat free Greek yogurt
  • 2 Tbs Tropical Coconut Balsamic de Modena (or any coconut flavored white balsamic vinegar)
  • Tropical fruit (I used mango, papaya, and pineapple) cut in cubes

Combine the first 3 ingredients (discard the graham cracker crumbs from the cheese ball mix or save for another recipe). Serve chilled with tropical fruit.

 

What do you think? Have you ever used Tastefully Simple products? Did you create any of your own recipes? Tell me in the comments below.

*I was not compensated for the nice things that I have said about Tastefully Simple, nor was I contacted by anyone affiliated with the company to write this post. I just enjoy the products and decided to share them with you.
Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

WTF Wednesday: The Search Terms That Broke the Camel’s Back

(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)

I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.

Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…

Weird Google Search Terms

Petting an Alligator at Google’s holiday party… (My old company was in charge of food service at Google, and I was helping out with a catering event)

I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.

Here you go, have another sloth picture.

Cute baby sloth in a glass

That Ash Girl left this baby sloth on my Facebook page.

The BEST search term ever was this:

“Chrissy, you are so cool!”

I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.

Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:

Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy

what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches

What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…

Mousercise DVD

Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.

1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass

Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.

butt hematoma

Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.

Brussels sprouts humour

WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched "Brussels sprouts humour."

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched “Brussels sprouts humour.”

And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.

The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy

I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.

Spring Break Chrissy

At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.

Chrissy public nude

Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.

“wife’s bitch”

Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…

girls kiss pics lesbian

My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.

nude older woj

A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?

nude twinkies

Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”

Sunday morn slut

Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…

my butt cheek

*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?

I’m f*cking my mom

Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!

www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks

Embarrassing Photos

This is the picture you were looking for? Sicko. (Don’t judge me, I walked around outside without shoes a lot.)

Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.

What the fuck?

Calendar After Tuesday WTF

What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.

Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.

What’s the best search term that ever found you? Please share with me in the comments, because I would love to hear them!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

A Letter to Recruiting Agencies

Dear recruiter,

It has come to my attention that you don’t all seem to quite understand how the job market works. I have discovered the following issues with you and your respective companies, and I would like to help you out.

1. Do just a little bit of research

I’m not asking you to discover my life story. I’m not asking you to read all of my writing samples. I’m definitely not asking you to seek out this blog (as it is obviously not intended to use for full time employment). I’m merely asking you to do a tiny speck of research.

Just because I live in Illinois, does not mean that any job in Illinois is within close proximity to me. In fact, just because I live in a Chicago suburb, does not mean that I live within close proximity to the job you are trying to bid at $15/hour. I would spend more in time and gas getting there every day. So, look at my resume, copy the town I live in, and Google map it for crying out loud. 3 seconds will save you a lot more time than it takes to call me.

2. Speak English. Well.

It’s very hard for me to understand you when you don’t even know how to pronounce Christine. It’s very easy. Say it with me, now, “K-ris-tee-n.” If I can’t understand your pronunciation of my name, how will I know the job details? How are we going to negotiate my rate of pay? How will I know what YOUR name is?

3. Double and Triple Check Appointments

If you set up an interview for me, please for the love of God, double check on both ends that it is a go. I’ve missed out on some great opportunities because of a recruiter’s mistake. When a high profile job goes live, I get 3-5 phone calls from various recruiters around the country. I’ll remember that the next time you call.

This is a short letter, but an honest one. I appreciate that you are there to “help” me, but I also understand that the “sale” is your bottom line. If you work with me, I’ll certainly work with you. I am GOOD at what I do. All you have to do is get me the interview.

Sincerely,

Me.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Monday Memories: How I Was Almost “Poisoned” by Cat Food

When I told you last week that the topic would be food for this week’s trip down memory lane…a lot of thoughts raced through my brain…Do I tell you a cheese story? Should I tell you about Orange Pop Night? All the things I’ve shot out my nose from laughter? Pool cheese? Yes, those are all stories in the making…but not today my good friends. Not today.

Today I’m going to tell you how I almost died (well…you know…sort of not really at all). I was maybe 7 years old, at best. I was wandering around the kitchen looking for a snack. Mom was on the phone and I saw some pieces of cereal lying on the counter. They looked kind of like Count Chocula (without the marshmallows), which was one of my favorite cereals. So I reached out for them.

I swear, they were begging to be eaten, those chocolatey pieces of goodness. I scooped up the few pieces that were there on the counter next to the stove top and popped them into my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed. I gagged. Those were DEFINITELY not Chocolatey cereal happiness. I looked around and I saw what I had previously missed…the spilled box of cat food. Right in front of my eyes.

I immediately envisioned my pending death. I’m only 7! I’m too young to die! Will it burn a hole in my stomach? Will I throw up? Is it going to grow a tree of mini cats in my tummy like gum does with gum trees? OHMIGODIMGOINGTODIE!

So I went over to my mom and panicked. She looked at me with that Mom-look, like “Hey, kid. I’m on the phone. Give me a break. You’re not dying.”

So I started crying. “I’m going to die!” As if it should surprise you, I’ve always had a flare for the dramatic. My mother put her pal on hold, and asked me what was wrong.

“I think I’m going to die because I ate cat food.”

And then my mom laughed at me. And she told me that I wasn’t going to die. Of course, at 7, I didn’t really think about the fact that the cat survived on cat food, shrimp cocktail, and cantaloupe-why couldn’t I? But my mom tried to explain this to me. And I just smiled and nodded, and planned my impending funeral. I had poisoned myself with cat food, and had succumbed to the fact that there was no way I could survive it.

And my mom laughed a little more. And told me to drink some water. To help the cat tree grow?

As it turns out, I did not actually die. And I survived the cat food incident with flying colors. As I got older (and my brother and cousin found themselves snacking on dog food and dog biscuits for fun), I realized that yes, in fact, cat food was safe to eat.

Do you have a crazy food story to share? Join up with us for Monday Memories!

 

Monday Memories

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Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!