I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life. Don’t let that be confused with regrets. I regret nothing. Everything that I’ve done has brought me to the place that I am today. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Without further adieu, some of my more idiotic moves…
Cutting a bald spot on the crown of my head during the formative years.
Spending a long New Year’s weekend in Indiana with 5 stoner couples with 6 movies constantly looping and the smell of weed permeating the cabin.
Smoking my very first cigarette…at the age of 23.
Going on a date with (and continuing to date) a guy (who turned out to be a drug addict) whom I met on Craigslist.
Spraining my ankle doing a drunken happy dance.
Quitting my job because my boss asked for my letter of resignation instead of waiting for her to fire me.
Dating the same guy over and over and over again, for three years expecting different results.
And the number one stupidest thing that I’ve ever done: Driving after drinking. Never. Ever. Ever. Do this. A few years ago, I was really really stupid. Really stupid. After several libations on my own one slow Friday evening at Flaherty’s, I decided that I wanted to go sing some karaoke at another bar.
I tipped my bartender, who didn’t seem to mind that I was a little intoxicated as I was leaving. In her defense, I looked and behaved just fine. But a small part of me knew that I probably shouldn’t have been behind the wheel. But I was bored playing my 207th game of Mah Jong that night, the bar was dead, and I had friends drinking at another bar.
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I decided to take the main road, instead of the familiar back roads. Driving from one town, through another, to a third town, I noticed a police officer driving behind me. I did a quick check of my surroundings: speed limit (check), seat belt (check), breath (gum? no, but shit, there’s not much I can do about that). There’s no reason that this police officer should need to pull me over. Phew!
I mentally pumped myself up, Just a few more blocks and I would be safely into the next town, out of this cop’s police jurisdiction. The bar was just on the other side of the city line. Come on, just a few more blocks. Don’t fuck up.
The next thing I knew, the all-too-familiar red and blue lights flashed at me from behind. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
So I re-checked my surroundings. Do not panic. Do. Not. Panic. I looked for my insurance card, which I was infamous for not being able to find. Found one! From last year. Hopefully, it will do.
The police officer walks up to my window and I roll it down.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No, officer, I’m sorry, but I really don’t.” I genuinely had no clue. To my knowledge, I had done nothing wrong. Well, sort of. Nothing that warranted pulling me over. Plus we all know I’m a terrible liar. PLUS it’s a proven fact that cops can see right through my bullshit when I try to lie.
“Did you know that your license plates expired last month?”
Oh my God, really? “Oh my God, really?” I knew that my shock was evident by the sympathetic look on the officer’s face. I kept babbling, “My dad and I were just talking about this. He had asked me when I needed to renew my plates, but I thought that they weren’t up until April. That’s when I got the plates. I got the car in November of 2006. I haven’t gotten anything in the mail that says I need to renew them. I’m so sorry.”
The police officer looked at me and asked for my license and insurance. I passed him my driver’s license and was holding onto my expired insurance card–waiting to pass it to him. He scanned my license quickly, and never once even took a second look at the insurance card. He handed my license back to me and told me to go get my plates taken care of the next day. He told me it may be a hefty fine for being late, but he would not write me a ticket. He proceeded to wish me a good evening, and to drive safely before he walked away.
[bctt tweet=”This mistake could have cost me everything.”]
Not once did he ask me where I had been.
Not once did he ask me where I was going.
Not once did he ask if I had been drinking.
I took that as a sign from God that I should never. Ever. Ever. Drive drunk again. My one free pass, I called it. I was a mere two blocks from the bar that I was heading towards. I panicked and called my best friend, Mark, who was at the airport on his way to some other country. He told me that I was stupid, and I shouldn’t be driving. He told me to calm down and leave my car at the bar that night. So I got to the bar, and called my flavor of the week. He met me at the bar and took me to his place when it closed. The next morning, he got me to my car, and all was well. But holy shit was I freaked out.
I’d like to tell you I never drove drunk again, but that would be a lie. And there would be fewer stories to share with you. For the record, I don’t condone drunk driving nor do I do it anymore. Ever. At all.
Have you ever done something incredibly stupid and gotten caught? Any run-ins with the law that you escaped by the skin of your teeth? Drunk driving stories? Tell me your tales!
11 Responses
Yeah, I’ve done this. No bueno.
No bueno indeed.
In the olden days(70’s and early 80’s), everyone drove drunk,high on something…anything and everything. My best friend and I used to change our clothes,in the car,while driving,from the previous evenings festivities….on our way to work. Regularly. This why I told my children I would NEVER bail them out for a DUI. I know I was lucky, surprisingly,so were you. And Brian. Don’t drink and drive anymore. Hell, I barely drink….I drank enough in those years for the rest of my life!
Well, at least Dad would have bailed us out of jail!
Admire the honesty. Every one of us has done it. Well, my cat hasn’t but that’s only because she doesn’t drive often.
Thanks DJ. Your cat’s a pretty smart feline!
Ok I had my first cigarette at 14.
As for the drinking and driving thing, I’m sensitive about it because 2 of my friends in High School and the older brother that was driving them were killed by a drunk driver about a mile from my house when I was in grade 9. It was bad. On another note, because I was one of the few of my friends who actually had a car, I was the DD all the time. I mean allllllll the time. I have been pulled over in random checks quite a few times. The program cops run here is called RIDE (Reduce Impaired Driving Everywhere) and the set up roadblocks on holiday weekends and usually Friday/Saturday nights in areas with lots of bars, banquet halls etc.
First time I got pulled over in a random check I had 3 drunk assholes in my car singing Disco Inferno at the top of their lungs and trying to do The Hustle in the back seat of my car. I shit you not. The cop laughed and I may or may not have threatened to murder them and leave their bodies in a ditch in front of said cop. He laughed and basically said he knew I wasn’t drinking because if I had been I’d probably find the scenario funnier.
That makes me so sad about your friends.
We have those roadblocks too. I just don’t go out drinking anymore, so I never see them.
I totally go out drinking but now everyone lives Downtown so we just take a cab back home. So much easier when everyone lives in the city vs the suburbs.
I have done many stupid things, most of which I’m able to laugh about or be like “oh that worked out in the end,” but I have one memory of a night I drove after drinking– a lot. It was bad. I should have ended up in jail. It was that rockbottom year of 2010. Disgusting.
Ugh. 🙁 I’m sorry.