That One Time My Life Was Like Breaking Bad

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You guys. You will not BELIEVE what happened. I FINALLY got permission to write about this little sitch-something about statute of limitations or something?


So, a friend of mine owns a rental condo. A sweet little condo in a quiet little suburb. And the most recent tenants left in quite a hurry. We’re talking furniture, clothes, garbage all up in that place. It was a disaster. Broke their lease and rolled the fuck out. Leaving a few new additions to the place as well (read: almost all of their earthly possessions were left behind)…including a wall safe, a full-on security system, an extra fan in the kitchen, and a gun locker.

Drugs. Definitely drugs.

Of course this was just a little bit of educated guessing…

Well, my brother and I helped with the final clear out after our pal had spent hours and hours cleaning this place up. All that remained by the time we showed up were a few pieces of furniture and the gun locker.

Somehow, this large gun safe made it to the outside of my family’s home (and by somehow, I mean we loaded it in a truck and carted it to my parents’ place)…because, you know…visions of random DIY shit danced in my head…until I noticed that the gun locker had a key broken off inside of it.

Someone broke that key off on purpose.

Curiosity, it appears, runs in my family. Little Brother decided that it was absolutely necessary to get this locker opened. So he grabbed a hammer and a flathead screwdriver and went to work.


Of course, at this point, my dad came out and saw what was going down…he looked at my brother’s efforts, and his response was something along the lines of a laugh and, “No, son, you’re doing it wrong.”

Dad walked to the garage and grabbed a crowbar. I didn’t even know we HAD a crowbar. I almost thought for a second that he was going to go in for the kill, but then he handed the crowbar off to my brother in some primitive man-to-son thing. My brother got back to work while the fam looked on in wonder? Curiosity? Fear? Excitement? One of these, I’m sure of it.


And within minutes, we’d broken into the gun locker. Recap: if you want to break into a gun locker, lay it on its side, get a crowbar and pop that bitch open.

Inside the abandoned gun locker with a key broken off in the lock we found all sorts of crazy shit.

Aside from the visible golf tees(someone explain this to me. Is this a drug thing? My only real experience with the drugs was with The Drug Addict. Googlepedia only told me that drug addicts play golf), most of it was packed into grocery bags. Some of us less-than-wisely decided to reach in and see what was in the bags…

Of course, being a gun safe, there was all sorts of ammo for Winchester rifles and God only knows what else inside, including a giant fucking bullet or shell or whatever you call it…

Inside some of the bags, on first look, was garbage…but upon further investigation, we discovered used(?) hypodermic needles and melted/burned/cut-in-half pop cans (apparently, this is common drug paraphernalia for crack cocaine? Thanks, Google) and a bottle of methadone (cooking crystal meth, were they?).


At this point, we called our friend to explain that we had popped the safe open, discovered a world of not-so-awesome shit and maybe we should call the police. Our buddy came over, assessed the situation, took the gun case back to the condo…and tossed it in the dumpster near the unit.

Terrifying visions of retaliation from crazy drug lords danced in our heads…getting rid of it in the quickest and dirtiest way seemed like the least likely route to get killed.

For the record, the police WERE notified…and while my friend offered to show them the dumpster full of used drug paraphernalia and ammo, they said it was no big deal. This is not the outcome any of us expected, but when the popo say it’s all good, it’s all good, amiright?

Blog Friends, what’s the craziest thing that’s randomly happened to you? What would you have done in this sitch?

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26 Responses

  1. Whoa. That is creee-py! I’m not sure what I would’ve done after calling the cops but curiosity would’ve surely gotten the best of me.

  2. Wow that IS crazy!!!!!! eeek!

    weirdest thing I can think of right now is a peeping tom that once stalked my apartment! we had to set up a ‘trap’ for him with the police and neighbours so they could arrest him. CREEEEEEEEPY!! And it was in Canada of all places, which I thought was so nice and sensible compared to where I grew up (London, UK).

  3. Oh, that’s so crazy! I was waiting all day to get over here and read your story. Yeesh that’s nuts. I wonder why they didn’t bother cleaning it out?! I guess they trashed the whole house, why bother cleaning out their drug locker.

    I love that the cops were like “meh.” One of my SILs used to work for our states Bureau of Investigations and part of her job was supervising the destruction of firearms and drugs that were seized from places like this. She said they literally just dump them in a huge hole. Not that much more effective than just locking them up and breaking the key, ha.

    1. I kept thinking the same thing! But hey, more fun to pop it open for adventure, right?

      Wow. So I guess it all ends up in the same place. What I’ve learned from all this: it’s really a bad idea to do the garbage picking/dumpster diving thing with the idea of hypodermic needles and bullets the size of my fist poking all over the place! *shiver*

  4. WHOA. That’s crazy. Good thing that’s the ONLY story that came of those tenants. Most renters are probably fine, but my 1st husband’s father rented to some really weird, creepy and grossly dirty tenants in Southern IL. A few times he had to hire people to come clean the gross mess they left, he couldn’t even handle it.
    I’ve had a lot of weird things happen to me, quite frankly. It’s why I started blogging 🙂 I’m in the middle of a series of memories that were unraveled from my dad’s drunk friend telling us he was supposed to be in court that day, because he THOUGHT he hammered a cop. Not GOT hammered, but HAMMERED, as in hit another human being with a hammer. Ugh.

    1. OMG. That does not sound awesome. I have a friend in central IL who was not a fan of her renters, but they didn’t totally wreck her house.

      Okay, I’m going to check that out immediately.

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