A Conversation About Fairies

Brian: If I were to create a D&D character for you, what would you want to be?
Me: Do you just want to create more characters?
Brian: No, we’re going to play.
Me: Umm…what are my options?
Brian lists a bunch of general things like controllers, defenders, strikers…and explains them
Me: Can I be a fairy?
Brian: Umm, you could be a gnome.
Me: That’s not a fairy.
Brian: They’re fae.
Me: But gnomes live in trees and fairies have wings.
Brian: You could be x,y, or z.
Me: Can I see pictures?
Brian pulls up pictures.
Brian: These are gnomes.
Me: Where are their hats?
Brian: They’re not garden gnomes.
Me: But David the Gnome wears a pointy hat.
Brian: Not. That. Kind. Of. Gnome.
Brian runs through a few of the pictures, explaining the characters.
Me: Okay, I’ll be a fancy elf.
Brian: Eladrin.
Me: Yeah, that.

Did you ever play D&D? (Dungeons and Dragons in case you didn’t know). Would you?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I May Not Have Won a Bloggie, but I did Win a Dance Off and That’s Good Enough for Me.

So, y’all remember how I’m an elite Yelper, right? The other night, I attended a sweet Elite event at my favorite breakfast restaurant, which happens to conveniently live across the street from me…for 17 more days.

At this delightful event, we were served mimosas, crepes and French toast…in our pajamas. And you know how I feel about breakfast. I love me a pajama jammy jam if there ever was one, and any opportunity to wear my sparkle camo slippers in public is a big win.

There are sequins on them, I swear. Also, don’t judge my Polish cankles.

Anyways, so I found out at about 7 that the Bloggies went and lied, saying they were tweeting the winners on March 31, but really they did it on the 30th. Whatevs. I was over it with three swigs of my mimosa. (I was honored to be nominated for THREE flippin’ categories, and it makes my heart happy that y’all supported me in this endeavor. So thank you!)

But THEN the Yelpy community manager, Candice was all, “Hey there’s a dance off!”

And I was all, “Pants on dance off, right? No public pants off dance offs, right?” Because sometimes you have to confirm that shit.

My pal, V, was chanting like “Do it! Do it! Do it!”

And I’m thinking to myself, Fuck. I’m not wearing a bra…

And then I thought…But I have mad dance skillz. 

OBVIOUSLY, I danced anyway…

And tied for first place. It was a great honor for sure, because my dance moves were rocking (not). I did the running man, the twist, the Chrissy (basically bounce around like a fool until someone tells you to sit down before you hurt yourself) and many more. And I looked like an ass. But people think I’m funny…or they feel sorry for me and I got a gift card to go back and get me some corned beef hash bennies (it’s the best corned beef hash ever. Even better than my own corned beef hash recipe!) *drool*

And here’s a video created by one of my favorite Yelpvendors Andres D., photographer/videographer extraordinaire!

Have you ever participated in or won a dance off? What did you win? Would you do it? What would you dooooo for a Klondike bar (or an ice cream sandwich cake)?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Sometimes I Get Eaten by Snow Dogs and Carried Off By Vodka Fairies

So if you see me wandering aimlessly around BlogHer like a lost puppy…please rescue me. I may not even realize that I have misplaced my people…or my people have misplaced me. One of those.

(This is a true statement. I really do tend to walk off without a second thought and the next thing I know, I have no idea where I am. More regularly than I care to admit. Luckily Brian is on to my shenanigans.)

Since you’re here…and I’m not…Please visit the following bloggers I wish were hanging out with me in Chicago.

There are totally more. But I have to make another mad dash to the train. This time with a GIGANTIC suitcase. In a dress. Because that’s how I roll.

This is a free-for-all. Leave a link to your best post and next week when my life is normal again, I’d love to come visit you!



Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

In Case You Were Wondering, I’m Not a Boy

Every month, it’s the same emotional rollercoaster. And I’m sick of it.

Me: I hate being a girl.
*thinks some thoughts*
Me: But I love you.
*thinks some more thoughts*
Brian: mmhmm…
Me: You know what? If I were a boy, I would totally be gay with you.
Brian: no. I don’t think that’s how it works.
Me: Yes it is. What? You wouldn’t want to be gay with me?
Brian: No.
Me: So you’re saying if I was a boy, you wouldn’t still love me. That’s not very nice.
*he pats me on the head*
Brian: But you’re a girl, so it doesn’t matter.
Me: Yes it does! Ok, maybe not.

So there’s that.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Always Read the Fine Print: AKA Wet T-Shirt Contest on the 4th of July

So last year, I told you all about my klutziest sassy-pants 4th of July. As this is a humor blog, and really we need to offer you a few laughs on this fun summer holiday…this year, I thought I’d tell you about my craziest 4th of July.

A few years ago, I was president of my local Jaycees chapter. The Jaycees are a leadership organization that I was really hardcore into for a few years. I even received national recognition (but that’s a story for another day). When I was president, I had a lot of responsibilities.

My chapter ran two huge projects over the course of the year. A haunted house and a summer festival. I didn’t run for president. I fell into the position (more on that another day). But I was a force to reckon with. We had a lot of problems getting the summer festival off the ground, but with a LOT of patience, and news coverage, we  were able to get the show on the road.

One of my jobs, as president, was to sign every. single. contract.

When you’ve got a huge festival with 20 food vendors, 30+ businesses in a business tent, 30+ crafters in an arts & crafts tent, bands, performers and other entertainers…that’s a lot of John Hancocks. Each facet of the fest was controlled by a committee, who would hand me stacks of contracts once a week to sign. As the contracts were all basically the same for each facet, I would read through one of each contract in it’s entirety, then browse every page of every contract for handwritten changes before signing.

One of my committee’s chairmen, though, thought it would be fun to change some of the fine print in ONE of the many contracts. They were responsible for mainstage entertainment, and they added a little extra clause. Of course, they didn’t tell me about said clause until the week of the festival. And showed me where I signed.

Basically, I signed a contract that said I would wear a bikini throughout the course of the fest, serve beer and drinks to the entertainment chairmen in said bikini, and in the event of rain, participate in a wet t-shirt contest.

And so I went to Walmart, bought a stars and stripes bikini, and wore it for 4 days. (I know I’m totally gross.) I bought two beers, walked them over to the chairmen in my bikini, said “here’s your beer,” and walked away.

And yes, friends…it rained for all of 15 minutes. So, after they poured a cooler of ice on me, I also let them do this:

4th of July Contract 4th of July Contract2 4th of July Contract3

I’m working on acquiring the video of the cooler dump, so perhaps I’ll be back with that for you.
Updated: Here’s the video!

Brian and I are headed to a family picnic today. What are you guys doing for the 4th of July?


Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!