I Love When People Take My Sass and Run With It

If you recall from a few days ago, I had an offer to discuss selling my site. Not like, a hey, we-want-to-buy-Quirky-Chrissy offer…More like a hey, we-buy-sites-are-you-selling offer.

After the first try, I ignored it…but when he went in for the second attempt, I delivered what  I hope made him laugh a little bit. His first response was all business, but his response to my response was baller.

It was like a mullet. Business in the front; party in the back. I just needed to pull the cap off. Which I did with a little help from you. I used some of your suggestions in my response e-mail, and I think you’ll appreciate how that went over. SassTaye Diggs and ShemarThanks RyanRyan was a real trooper about the whole thing. So thank you, Ryan! I like to think that you came here, saw my blog post and responded to my survey. In my little daydream here, I truly believe that you were the one who answered my survey with, “Just say thanks but no thanks.”

To the rest of you who responded to my survey, you’re hilarious and beautiful people. I think we’re going to do more surveys, because this was ridiculous amounts of fun for me!

Do you like to sass people in e-mail? Would you have had a little fun with this? What’s the sassiest thing you’ve done recently?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Think I Know Those Clowns…Not the Rodeo Clowns Though…

Last night, Brian and I joined a couple of our friends for an evening of Haunted Housing. Our friend who organized the trip usually prefers the regular passes as opposed to the VIP passes because the wait in line is usually a lot of fun and adds to the ambiance of the house. You know, gearing up the fear and shit.

So we get to the location of the haunted house, where we shelled out 28 bucks a pop for the tickets. Only to be told that we’d also be paying $5 for parking. We went to this house last year and didn’t have to pay for parking, so this was a strange and unpleasant new development.

I saw a crowd on the side of the venue, and wondered if that was a VIP entrance. As we drew closer, I realized they were all smoking, and they looked like they were in costume. Cowboy hats, plaid shirts, tight jeans…Must be a hillbilly room or something. As I got even closer, I noticed that some of them were dressed normally and there was a “smoking section” sign. They must just be regular employees, not actors. I looked inside the oprn door behind them and realized that they were not related to the haunted house at all. There was a concert of some sort going on with bright lights and loud mariachi music.

Mariachi band by the haunted houseWell that explained the $5 parking fee. Jerks.

So, we got in the first line at the haunted house (the first of FIVE different lines). This line was outside, and we were there before the house opened. I noticed a girl wearing a short skirt and rubber boots prepping for something with electricity. Just before we walked into the venue, she jumped on top of a beat up car, and started running some electric thing on a metal grindy thing near her lady bits while dancing like she was in a cage at the club. I wondered whether I was heading into a haunted house or a brothel.

We walked into the brightly lit first lobby, and stood in another line. The mariachi band was going hard core just a few feet away and the concert lights made it look like it was still daylight. I looked over, away from the band and saw a pair of uniquely costumed muderous clowns. I grinned at Brian and said, “I think I know those clowns.”

His response? “That’s a weird thing to say.”

When we moved upstairs to the next lobby (this time the actual “haunted house lobby”), one of the clowns was staring me down. I eyed him for a second and asked, “Do I know you?”

Yep, I definitely recognized him.

Yep, I definitely recognized him.

He nodded and I walked closer to him, when he gave me his hand all gentlemanly. We chatted for a moment (he really is my friend!) and then I had to go catch up with my people.

We got in the third line of the night about 15 minutes after the haunted house was supposed to be open. But the bright lights and loud VERY UNSCARY music coming from the open room beside and below us was really killing the mood. It wasn’t just a mariachi band; it was a full-on fucking rodeo.

The foggy image is because of the fog machines.

The foggy image is because of the fog machines.

There’s a bull back there. A motherfucking bull.

They haunted house refused to open until these people finished playing. These people just refused to finish. An hour and twenty minutes after the house was scheduled to open, they finally started letting people in. The mood was not set with scary music or dark lobbies. It was set with a fucking tuba and the running of the bulls. Or a bullfight. Or something. Come to think of it, I bet hooha electricity girl out front would have had one hell of a time trying to ride the bull…

Luckily, our friends are pretty fun, and the clowns kept stopping by.

Scary clown with a knife

The house itself was meh. The first part was a pair of too-long dark mazes. The second part was a neon 3-D porn cartoon. The last part was the kind of haunted house that you picture – murderous creepers, a shrine to John Wayne Gacy, people eating people…screamers, psychos…

image

Overall, not terrible, but the venue is going to get a nasty letter from me. Because they made Brian mad with this mariachi bullshit. And nobody messes with my boyfriend.

Have you been to a haunted house this year? What’s your favorite part of a haunted house?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

7 Easy DIY Halloween Costume Ideas for Women and Couples

Halloween is definitely the holiday of all holidays around here.  My family and friends totally jump into Halloween head first. It’s the fourth family holiday. It’s the ONLY holiday my aunt flies in from out of state to celebrate with us. It’s kind of a big deal around here.

I figured you may be looking for some Halloween costume ideas – I know I still am…so I thought I would help you out and share some of the best costumes my people have put together in years past. You’ve already seen my bouquet toss winner Halloween costume…and my Sally costume…but I’m not the only one with the ideas. Several of my friends have given me permission to share their photos and costume ideas with you, so you can see what excellent company I keep over here in the real world.

Fast(ish), Easy DIY Halloween Costumes

My pal, Brookie Banosnapper showed up at my RIDICULOUSLY EARLY (First week of October early) Halloween party last year in this ensemble. Best. Idea. Ever.

Grumpy Cat Halloween Costume

One of my friends from college, Shelli was unrecognizable by many of her friends when she showed up in this costume! I was a big NCIS fan a few years back (which was when Sheli threw down this costume. I wish I could have seen it in person, but she lives a few (hundred) miles away from me.

DIY ABBY NCIS Costume

Deb, one of my favorite English teachers, rocked it in her garden ho costume. Her English/theater background worked well with this punny costume.

DIY Garden Ho Costume

Valerie showed up to one of our Halloween parties in this creative garb a few years back, before everyone was doing it. She already had dark hair and a good chunk of the wardrobe requirements, so this costume was a breeze for her. No one noticed that she had black chucks on (shhhh).

Flo Progressive Halloween Costume DIY

Dynamic Duos: Couples/Pairs Halloween Costumes

Ron and his best friend decided they would be the ultimate best friends for Halloween. Not that I’m a fan of these two dumb dudes, but I hear they’re pretty popular with the ladies.

Lloyd & Harry Dumb and Dumber Costumes

Our friends Ava and Mike are super awesome, and they came to our Halloween party at the apartment last year as Hawkeye and Hawkeye, which I thought was a totally fantastic couples’ costume. Right?

Hawkeye and Hawkeye
And then there was the costume set that Brian and I opted for last year. Captain Mal and Kaylee from Firefly. It wasn’t my favorite (partially because I ordered the coveralls from eBay and they did not fit the way I wanted them to…)

Captain MaL & Kaylee (3)Friends, what should Brian and I do for Halloween this year? It appears we’re going to be moving right around Halloween, so we’re strapped for time. Any suggestions? What are you going to be for Halloween?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Things That Make You Go, Huh?

This summer, I came across one or two things that really made me scratch my head (no, it wasn’t lice). Today, I thought I’d compile a few of those images that have hung out in my head (and my camera’s photo storage).

Five Leaf Clover

I’m looking over…a five leaf clover?

I’m used to finding four leaf clovers in my parents’ front yard. There’s been a patch of them growing in the yard my entire life. But I don’t recall seeing too many five leaf clovers in my time. A rarity for me, definitely.

Giant Idaho Potato

And then there was the giant potato…

They SAY it’s a real potato. I don’t even know. But when Brian and I went to Irish Fest, this big hunk of carbohydrate was begging for a photo.

Pot tree?

Is this what I think it is?

Is this a thing? Are pot trees real? Because the parking lot of our California motel/hotel/lodge/whatever sure smelled like weed. And those leaves looked awfully ominous.

Pot tree?

Rollin’ with my homies…

When I head off to GenCon every year, I expect to encounter some strange sights. You might say I even plan for it.  But usually, I’m ready for it inside the convention hall and surrounding areas. I’m not expecting it before I even get to Indianapolis.

Dog in sunroof

This dog really made an impression on me.

As we were driving, I looked to my right and saw a dog. Holding court out the sunroof of a car driving approximately 70 mph. He reminded me of Marmaduke, in that I imagined cartoonish racing lines behind him.

Of course, once we made it to Indianapolis, our unique view of the world wasn’t a blank canvas. That shit was covered in sparkles.

Pink sparkle horseshoes

This bashful horse was either embarrassed because it was a boy horse or just playing coy.

Now, that’s a horse of a different color! If I were a horse, or had a horse, I’d totally want pink sparkle shoes. Who am I kidding. I totally want pink sparkle shoes now.

Pink sparkle horseshoes

Holy sparkly horseshoes, Batman!

I’d like to say that outside of the actual con, this was the extent of the strange…but we managed to see another amusing visual.

Angry birds and bad piggy cop car

Bad piggy?

Brian kept asking why there was an Angry Bird in the back of the cop car, so I explained to him that it was actually a bad piggy…I’m not sure if it was the cop’s own joke or a gag gift from a friend. Either way. Oy vey.

So tell me, Blog Friends, have you seen anything strange or bizarre lately? Have you e er found a four or five leaf clover? A giant potato? Sparkle horseshoes? Tell me your tales!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

That One Time You Asked Me For Ridiculous and Impossible Blog-Souvenirs From My Vacation? This is What You Get.

I was on vacation. For a whole week. 8 days to be exact. 8 days out of Chicago. 8 days out of the cold. 8 days in Florida. On a tiny little island, where grandparents hang out with each other and walk on the beach together with Chrissy. You asked me for the following:

  • Gators modeling swimsuits.
  • The hottest guy you can find. I want the six-pack, tattoos and everything. And you can say it was totally my fault if you get in trouble. SEE, I’m already a bad old lady!
  • Every beach has “that guy.” You’ll know him when you see him. I want to see him and maybe a great woman in a two piece suit to remind my wife how fun vacation is and that we need to start saving if we plan on going.
  • Awkward people.
  • Maybe a great pic of you and Brian and a palm tree.
  • Dolphins!!
  • Toes in the sand (a request from a Google Hangout)

Unfortunately…I didn’t see ANY gators in swimsuits. The lucky bitches were all naked.

Turtle gator ride

Would you settle for a turtle taking a gator ride?

Finding hot guys on Marco Island is tough. I totally was a creeper and took this one, just for you. Closest I could find.

The back end of a hot guy

The back end of a [maybe] hot guy (also includes “that guy” and one of the “awkward people.”) Fuck, I’m awesome.

OK, fine. You asked for awkward people. As if that guy isn’t enough. And me taking a picture of those two guys. And really, me in general…I’m pretty fucking awkward. But fine.

And if that’s not enough for you, I went all the way. I randomly video’ed the beach just to show you how far I’m willing to go for you guys. Point out the awkward, hot, etc etc…BTW, the guy reading the book? Totally hot just because he was reading a book. That is all.

My mom wanted Brian and I by a palm tree…

Beach vacation

There are palm trees back there somewhere

I fucked up on the dolphin picture. So I didn’t really know how to work my camera on Day 1…when the fucking dolphins were 20-30 feet off the shore. Brian’s dad kept telling me to run in to swim with them (not understanding that I wanted to PAY money to swim with tame dolphins…not get raped by wild dolphins…)

So here are dolphins from last year.

Dolphin pictures

OK fine. This dolphin is from 2 years ago. You love me anyway, right?

You really don’t WANT to see the Flintstoes…but I’ll show ’em off anyways.

Things you didn’t ask to see, but I’ll show you for funsies:

So, Blog Friends, I’ve got a few more posts with random happenings from last week lined up, but based on the pictures above, what do YOU think happened on my vacation? Tell me a story. The funniest story wins a fabulous mystery prize. Ready. Set. Go.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

10 Reasons I’m Not Funny This Week.

I’m a humor blog, dammit. And I’m not even a little funny this week. Here’s why.

Every time I almost walk into a wall, I look up from my (phone/book/feet) and near miss it.

Wearing my contacts in the wrong eyes causes migraines, not chuckles.

I avoided sitting next to the creepy old man with the dress pants and white t-shirt on the train by sitting in the vestibule area.

I almost threw up during yoga, but God didn’t want me to have THAT story on the record.

Every time I almost fall down, I catch myself.

I haven’t had to run to the train or lost my pants in the process.

My experiment with gluten free appears to be over. (PS: It didn’t help.) (PPS: Nothing funny came of my last minute decision to eat the gluten. Nothing! No amusing poop stories or anything.)

This is my last full week as a contractor. On the 19th, I start as a full time employee with the company I’ve been contracting with. While this is exciting news, it’s not very funny.

I could only come up with 8 (well I guess this makes 9) reasons.

Maybe I should wear the wheelie sneaks to work today…

So if you have read this far, and it’s ONLY like 200 words, so I hope you did… you’ll note that I linked to some of my funnyish posts…go ahead and check those out. And while you’re at it, send me a link to YOUR funniest post. Because I could use a laugh. And some inspiration. Please and thank you.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

OK, Try to Suffocate Me!

Last Friday was date night. It was rather fantastic. Brian and I ordered pizza from this little pizza joint in Chicago suburbia (Aurelio’s). Then we ate on a bench in the cute little downtown area of our hometown. Afterwards, we meandered into the classic theater to watch Gatsby (LOVED Gatsby). When I say classic theater, I mean one of those historic relic theaters that has curtains and an organ player…It’s where we saw The Wallflowers a few months back.

After the movie we made our way to the homefront, laughing, happy…overall just enjoying each others’ company. We plopped down into our delightful squish bed chat chat chatting away. We were snugglin’ (don’t hate on our adorableness, yo) and I felt like I was upside down, so I told Brian he needed a pillow. I put it half on his arm and half on his face, and propped my head on top. “You okay?” I asked him.

“I’m fine” he mumbled through the pillow.

So I moved the pillow over his whole head. “How ’bout now?”

“Still great!” (I think that’s what he said…it was a little hard to decipher because of the pillow.)

So I pushed down with my head. “How ’bout now?”

“Maybe not so good.” So I let go.

And then Brian went off on one of his Brian rants about how weird it is that in the movies people always suffocate others with pillows. Like that would really work. And he looked at me dead serious, “Seriously, it is impossible to kill someone with a pillow.”

So OF COURSE I looked at him, and said, “OK great. Try to suffocate me!”

He looked at me for a second and then apparently though, what the hell…because moments later I was on my back and Brian was ready to cover me with a pillow. “Wait!” he called out…”We need like a code. Tap twice on my leg if you really can’t breath.”

“You got it dude.”

And then he pillow suffocated me. And I was laughing so hard. “How you doing?”

“I’m fine. Try harder.” And I kept laughing. And then I started flailing my arms around yelling, “Heeeelp! Ahhh!” in between laughter.

So Brian’s all, “That wasn’t the code. Are you alright?” And I just kept on laughing hysterically through the pillow. “Can you breath?”

“Of course. It’s getting hot in here though.”

And then he removed the pillow. And we laughed for another 10 minutes. Reading this through, it doesn’t sound as funny so much as a sexual adventure gone wrong…but it really was just good clean fun, you dirty birds.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Dolphins, Sloth in Space and Creepy Koala

I know. You’ve missed him. He’s one of those contributors that a real humor blog needs to keep things short, sweet and amusing. It’s been a very long couple of months, and so Brian was sending less and less cute and funny stuff. But alas! He’s back! And this week he sent me three wonderfully fun images to share with you.

creepy koala on a car

The koala looks so creepy!!

Dolphins colliding

These poor dolphins made one misswim…and BAM! Collision

sloth in space suit

One small step for sloth. One giant step for slothkind.

Have a great Saturday everyone!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

WTF Wednesday: The Search Terms That Broke the Camel’s Back

(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)

I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.

Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…

Weird Google Search Terms

Petting an Alligator at Google’s holiday party… (My old company was in charge of food service at Google, and I was helping out with a catering event)

I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.

Here you go, have another sloth picture.

Cute baby sloth in a glass

That Ash Girl left this baby sloth on my Facebook page.

The BEST search term ever was this:

“Chrissy, you are so cool!”

I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.

Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:

Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy

what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches

What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…

Mousercise DVD

Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.

1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass

Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.

butt hematoma

Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.

Brussels sprouts humour

WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched "Brussels sprouts humour."

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched “Brussels sprouts humour.”

And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.

The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy

I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.

Spring Break Chrissy

At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.

Chrissy public nude

Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.

“wife’s bitch”

Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…

girls kiss pics lesbian

My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.

nude older woj

A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?

nude twinkies

Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”

Sunday morn slut

Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…

my butt cheek

*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?

I’m f*cking my mom

Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!

www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks

Embarrassing Photos

This is the picture you were looking for? Sicko. (Don’t judge me, I walked around outside without shoes a lot.)

Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.

What the fuck?

Calendar After Tuesday WTF

What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.

Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.

What’s the best search term that ever found you? Please share with me in the comments, because I would love to hear them!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: More of Ebeneezer the Sloth, Dolphin Preachers, & Bunnicula (Oh and by the Way, it’s Cold as Fuck)

I’ve spent a lot of time writing posts to ensure that next week is covered, but I forgot to prepare for today!

Luckily, Brian has been extra awesome thanks to the wonderful compliments that he’s been receiving for his part in the Brian Shares Segment of my little blog.

Here are just a few of the things that he has sent me this week…

Ebeneezer, Our Future Sloth

For those of you who are new here, Brian and I had been discussing the possibility of a pet, when we realized that what we really wanted was a baby sloth. So from time to time, he sends me videos, pictures, and gifs of sloths to share with you. which is probably why sloth searches are the number 1 Google search that leads people here. Crazy sloth lovers.

Sloth in a hammock gif

 

What’s really funny about this, though, is that in order to ensure that I receive said pictures and videos, Brian often will send them to me via text, e-mail, and G-chat.

Dolphin Preachers

I realize that the term “Dolphin preacher” is ridiculous in its own right. But shit. Once you see this picture, I hope you laugh your ass off as much as I did. I was at Mom’s when I read it, and she told me I was going to hell. C’est la vie?

Dolphins Neptune God of the Sea Preachers

I think that I was a dolphin in another life, so I feel like I have a special bond with the sea faring mammals. In fact, I’ll be seeing my best friends soon enough (Read: THIS WEEK).

Bubble Sports

Brian sent this gif to me with the title: THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN! To me I thought: This looks like life! I NEED one of these. Desperately. Then I can happily make it through life without, you know, falling down.

Bubble Ball Sports

Cool right?

Bunnicula

Please. Please PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. Because Brian didn’t. First, he sent me this adorable gif of bunnies.

Bunnicula

And I responded with OMG yes! We need one! Please?!?! We could name him Bunnicula. And love him. And squeeze him. And feed him tomatoes!

And Brian responded… “Why Bunnicula?”

UGH! Only the greatest Bunny on the planet! Bunnicula, resident rabbit of the Howliday Inn. Obviously.

Cold as Fuck

It’s about to get cold here in the Chicagoland area… and just in case you are not as lucky as me to be escaping the brief cold weather of your home city, you should go pick up a pair of these sweet ass gloves. In fact, pick me up a pair while you’re at it. I’m going to be back in the Chi soon enough.

Cold as Fuck Gloves

Scrabble Genius Bonus

Brian found this quick blurb about Scrabble and I figured that it was important to share it with you. Should the letter values in Scrabble change? I think not. But that is because I am an evil Scrabble genius, according to Katie.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!