I wanted to title this post, “I Know Something You Don’t Know,” but then I didn’t. Because that would have been sassy and taunting…and then there would have been something that I know…that you don’t know…or that you might know because I’m a big blabbermouth, sometimes.

Now is not one of those sometimes.

Because this post is all about Brian. And his trickery. And his rules.

Obviously (or maybe not quite so obviously), I am a grown adult and I do what I want. But sometimes Brian requests that I do or do not do certain things. Here is a list of those…requests.

Do not tell secrets on the internet

Sometimes there are things that I want to tell you. On Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Or this blog. And Brian says no. Because they’re still secrets. And of course, then he’ll say, “You do what you want…but…” and it’s the but that makes me second guess my secret-telling on the internet.

Do not embarrass me on the internet

And by “me” I mean Brian. Because he gives me mostly free reign to embarrass myself on the internet. His family teases him enough for writing about him the way I see him and not the way anyone else sees him. God forbid I should tell you all the delightfully adorable things that come out of his mouth (words, OBVIOUSLY).

Always post smart things I say on the internet

Brian’s a really smart guy. He may not admit to this, but I know he wants you to know that he’s a genius. He always wants you to know the brilliant things that he thinks. It’s unfortunate for him that I often forget the smart stuff he says (because I may or may not be falling asleep as he says them) and instead post only the hilarious or ridiculous verbiage. But rest assured, he says A LOT of smart things. He just likes to be show-offy and smart when I’m tired and ready to go to sleep.

Don’t let the internet hurt your feelings

Because I totally put myself out there with this blog and all the lovely social media outlets that I play around on, I leave myself open to the cruel and unusual punishment that is internet bullying. Brian is an advocate for my feelings in every way possible, but he thought the whole Reddit thing was fucking awesome (except for the people who said horrible things. Because those people are not awesome). Mostly because of the crazy way my stats jumped. Even if 90% of those people never come back, some will. And whether it’s to find new ways to hate me or because they actually do enjoy my sense of humor, my writing style or my personality in general, it’s a win for me.

Do not tell secrets on the internet

I mean, it’s not like I have a secret or anything. Especially not one I’m not allowed to tell you about. Because that would be unfair. But if I had a secret, I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you. Because Brian said so.