Apparently, This Summer Wasn’t My First Back Pain Rodeo…Or Why I’m a Velociraptor

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Guys, you’re not going to believe this (well…yes you will…), but I hurt my back again. And this time, it was much less exciting than showing off doing fancy yoga.

Yesterday morning, I was reaching down to pull on my underwear. An activity I participate in daily. When BAM! I felt the tightness pull, and I knew my back was done for. I’m trying to champ through it, but fuck, it hurts.


I was looking back at old blog posts on one of my other blogs, and I found a little gem that reminded me of a recent-ish back issue from a couple of years back.

OK, so one morning a couple of years ago, I woke up with this excruciating back pain. It got progressively worse as the day went on. By that night, I was walking like a velociraptor.  I ended up lying on couches the whole day. I don’t think it helped the situation.

Apparently, it feels more comfortable to sit in a V-like position with this horrible back pain…so when I get up I walked a bit like a velociraptor.

When we got home late one night, back when we lived in the apartment, I went straight to bed. But I could hear Brian crunching. And crunching. The TV was low, so I couldn’t hear that. but I heard crunching. And I knew that he was eating the queso. Obviously, I couldn’t let him eat all of the chips and queso…and my tummy kept growling at me, saying, “Hey dummy, he’s going to eat all of that queso…and you’re going to be lying here all in pain thinking I wish I had some queso…and it will be gone.” So I crawled out of bed, threw on a robe, and stalked out to the living room to join my boyfriend in late night chips and queso snack. (Tostitos Lime and Medium Salsa con Queso make me happy. I wish I had some now. I would be way happier.)

The next morning, I had hoped the pain would be better…but alas, I was stuck in bed with no more queso.

While lying in bed that morning, I started thinking about all of my previous back injuries…

The time I thought that pillow sliding down the stairs headfirst on my back was a great idea.

The time I fell down the stairs at Second Thanksgiving and gave myself a hematoma on my ass…oh wait, that wasn’t a back injury…It was just really funny.

The time I toppled down the stairs and my head landed a half an inch from the wall, at midnight, and my mom thought I was drunk, but really, my socks just slipped on the carpet…and I could have broken my neck if I had fallen a half an inch farther. And then I got these giant kinks in my lower back that never really went away…

The time that I was cheering in high school and I was back spotting…and the girl in the air fell on me, and I fell back first on the gym floor…and my back hurt for months afterward.

Fuck. I fall down a lot. Maybe that’s why I hurt myself bending over to pull on underwear, now.

Have you ever hurt your back? What’s the craziest injury you’ve ever experienced? What would you give for a chips-and-queso snack right now?

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13 Responses

  1. I’ve got scoliosis, so I hurt my back in all kinds of weird, innocuous ways. like the time I went to a golf course, and did the oh so wild act of playing on a driving range. I walked like a very slow robot for 4 days afterwards. Or when I did an exercise video, and learned that “rainbows” are not for me. I also like to fall down stairs. I usually step down, on the edge of the stair and slide on my ass the rest of the way down.

    I am not graceful

  2. Other than some lower back pain from sitting at a desk my injuries are typically to my shoulder (I dislocated my shoulder carrying groceries….true story), my writs (I broke my wrist in 3 places when a window slammed shut on me….true story) and my knee (I dislocated my knee cap when I was 13 falling off my bike…true story). So yeah, accident prone but thankfully none of it my back.

  3. Ohhh sweetie you need to be so careful with your back! I used to have scoliosis as a kid, and once I sent it into spasms just brushing my teeth. I could barely breathe! It was awful!

    Try to keep it mobile…GENTLY…and missy, I think it’s commando from now on.

  4. Well done. 🙂

    IN 2014 I fell upstairs. Yep … UP the stairs. I was rushing a bit turned the corner to the stairs at work and started up with a bit of a jump in my step and on the third step my foot slipped on the metal edging and slid downward. The forward momentum gave my left knee just enough force to shove the metal edge just under the knee cap enough to cause damage it would take about a year to heal from completely. In fact, there is a small scar from it and sometimes the knee catches a bit still. Epic. I think so far that is my clumsiest mentionable moment…although I am currently recovering from a seriously sprained ankle from rolling it off the edge of the sidewalk.

    1. You sound like me. I’ve totally fallen upstairs! It’s a real thing! And I’m sorry about your ankle! I know how awful those sprains can be (I can’t count the number of ankle sprains I’ve had). Heal fast!

  5. I ruined some discs in my back last year when I was in a car accident. It still hurts most days, but it could be a lot worse. I NEED TO DO YOGA. They say it helps. Make me do yoga, Chrissy. Make me.

    Also, I’m eating a brick of blue cheese + wafer crackers right now 🙂

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