The other day, I was bawling like a toddler at the top of my lungs after watching a commercial. A commercial. I thought to myself, Why am I crying like a lunatic? What is wrong with me?
As the second question looped in my head, I knew what was wrong. My period was coming. I don’t care what anyone says, Aunt Flo is a real twisted sister. She barges into your life, disrupting your emotional health, your physical well-being and the poor suckers that have to put up with your shit every month.
In order to make everyone’s lives a little less painful (and give my family fewer reasons to murder me in my sleep), there are a few things I’m going to avoid when I’m PMSing until I can get my emotions in check.
1. Watching television or going to the movies. No TV shows. No commercials. No movies. No movie previews. No YouTube. Not even a funny cat video. Because that cat is going to be wearing a dress that reminds me of that time my grandma … oh crap. I’m going to start crying again.
2. Having any kind of conversation with my mother. I love her dearly, but when I’m about to start riding the cotton pony, everything is fighting words. Her disdain for country music sets me ablaze, even though I don’t particularly care for the genre. Her opinions of my wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle are unwanted, especially when Aunt Flo is whispering in my ear, “Sic ’em!”
3. Asking for someone’s opinion. I know that I’m right, dammit. There is nothing anyone can do or say to change my mind, whether I’m asking about dressing for the weather, dinner options or what to watch on TV. Next month, I’m going to take charge and do what I want. All. Week. Long.
4. Consuming alcohol. Hear me out before you get your underoos in a knot. I love Margarita Mondays, Tipsy Tuesdays, Wine Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, etc. I’m all about the boozy fun, but during Shark Week, alcohol’s enjoyable traits (Dancing, Laughing, Singing) are replaced by their friends (Crying, Sleeping, Whining). Besides, I’d probably end up lying in bed, caressing a hot water bottle in the fetal position until the cramps subside.
5. Leaving the house. You know what? Might as well just give up before I start. When I feel as bloated as if I’ve eaten 15 hot dogs and three cupcakes and drunk a gallon of Coke, I know I don’t look too hot. I sure as hell don’t feel gorgeous. Why not spare everyone the trouble of telling me I look fine all four times I change my outfit before we go out? I’ll happily stay home with those hot dogs and cupcakes.
I guess that doesn’t leave a whole lot for me to do when I’m PMSing. I could spend that time cleaning, reading a laugh-out-loud book, or writing. But that sounds like too much productivity when I’m miserable. I suppose I’ll just have to use that time wisely … and spend it shopping with my tablet in bed.
What do you try to avoid when you’re PMSing or, for dudes, when your lady is PMSing?
©2015 Christine Wojdyla, as first published on Scary Mommy
It’s not so much about what *I* shouldn’t do and more about what my husband shouldn’t do. I don’t get teary when I PMS, I get mean…
Ha! Your husband should most definitely bring you chocolate and flowers.
Ha. Great list. Sigh. I think I should just be able to hibernate and cut all of all contact with humans.
Thanks! That’s pretty much how I feel.
LOL I am the only one of my friends doesn’t get weepy. I get grouchy and am more easily offended but not weepy.
I get both, honestly. I’m basically batshit crazy.
My sympathies. However, menopause makes PMS seem like a movie trailer. ” If you thought you were safe after PMS – Coming to a uterus near you – MENOPAUSE”(Jaws music).
This does not reassure me.
It wasn’t meant to – it’s more of a cautionary tale. One that you can’t hide from! (da da da dum!)
Hahaha! I’ll keep my eyes peeled!
Too funny, but, I annoy you? How is that possible?
Really? Who? You?
So good that you know the things to avoid. So good you are telling others too. Bet it will help those still suffering with those visits from Aunt Flo. Eventually he will stop coming & you wont miss her.
Not even a little bit. Lol
These are all spot on tips. Lucky me – I don’t get my period anymore, but I def. still PMS and I think the tears just pour out harder and easier as I get older!! (Do I sound like I am 65+? because I am 30…sighhhh) Being a woman is tough!
Aghhh! I feel you! I definitely cry more now than I used to.
HA. This couldnt have been read at a better time 🙂
Lol. I aim to be on point.
Avoid GETTING HANGRY and then seeing people you love before you eat… BAH AH AH HA HA HA! Oh man, you’re going to start WORLD WAR 3 most likely!!
I’m just here to point out that some dudes do, in fact, PMS on the reg. (Pre-testosterone trans man here.) I regularly cry at cute animal pics/videos before the crimson tide comes in. While eating ALL of the chocolate.
Ladies, if you want a boyfriend who truly understands you in this sense, date a trans guy. 😉
Vince, you make a seriously excellent point! I didn’t even think of that.
Most people don’t, which is why I make it my business to be that annoying trans guy who comments ‘but that happens to us too’ on every article about periods, pregnancy etc ever.
This has made me wonder – if I were to have a (cisgender) girlfriend before Werewolf Week has become a thing of the past for me, would she and I end up synchronising, and would that be the glue that bound our relationship together or the main cause of its ultimate demise? 😀
Oooohhhhh! You’d defo sync up, but as to whether it helped or hurt would depend on your relationship!
Yeah, it could either be brilliantly awesome or horrifically bad. No middle ground, because PMS doesn’t know what a middle ground is (or at least mine doesn’t).
By the way, I love the expression ‘riding the cotton pony’ – I’m adding that to my bank of menstrual euphemisms. ‘Satan’s sacrificial bloodfall’ works well, too.
Lol that’s a good one!