Ladies, Here’s Some Advice for Using the Bathroom in 7 Easy Steps

This post is part of a sponsored post series about bathroom habits. This campaign is sponsored by Cottonelle. All opinions are totally my own. 

Let me start by saying that women, as a whole are pretty gross…at least when it comes to the bathroom…at least when it comes to public bathrooms. Having worked in restaurants and bars where part of my job is keeping tabs on the ladies’ (and sometimes the men’s) bathrooms, I know a thing or two about public restrooms. That being said, I also know that there are times when I’d much rather pee in the men’s room than the ladies.

I’ve developed a system for you to follow to smoothly go from urgency to relief without leaving the toilet stall like a tornado went through it.

Step 1: Enter stall or single-person bathroom

(I could have started with get up from your desk or wherever you were, but I figured that was a no-brainer…) When you enter the stall or bathroom, take a mental note of what it looks like when you enter, particularly if it was recently cleaned (or LOOKS like it was recently cleaned.) When you leave, it should look EXACTLY the same.

Step 2: Prepare the toilet

Now, if you’re like me, this step includes checking to make sure some nasty chick hasn’t gone all TP crazy and tried to flush a little too much down. Or worse, has tried to flush paper towels down the toilet. Or even worse left a giant pile of underwater poop sitting there waiting for you. Your job? Avoid being that chick.

Then I would sit down on the toilet seat.

Other ladies may have more of a routine. Set up one of those fancy toilet liners. Or coat the toilet seat with TP to protect your bum from the herp. (Right. That. Facepalm) Or get into your squatting posish.

Step 3: Do your business

Whether it takes you 20 seconds or 15 minutes. Do what you gotta do. It’s what comes next that really matters.

Step 4: Wipe your bum

I’m just trying to get all the facts straight here, kids. Trust me. I’ve got a point. Oh, and you could always use a few of your Cottonelle wipes for a shiny clean bottom. That’s what I do anyways.

Step 5: Take care of your mess

This isn’t the Ritz Carlton. And even if it was…you should still clean up your mess. Your lady week paraphernalia should go in the appropriate bin. It should not hang over the seat, looming, as if the toilet is certain death. It should definitely not go on the floor. And according to the signs in the bathroom, it shouldn’t really go into the toilet either. No one should be seeing red in the ladies room (pun intended.)

For the love of all things good in this world, PLEASE flush the toilet. Common sense y’all.

Most importantly, this one goes out to you squatters out there. If you feel that your ass is too precious to grace the toilet seat with direct contact, I applaud your contortionist skills. I can even respect you. UNTIL you become the reason that ladies squat. Wrap your hand up in some TP and wipe the seat down, so that when my bootie DOES come in contact with the cold, hard toilet seat, it’s not also covered in your pee.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle

Step 6: Wash your hands

For the record, if you leave the bathroom without washing your hands and ANYONE sees you, you will be judged for. life. I don’t care if you washed your hands in the handicap stall’s special little handwashing station or you’re going to wash your hands somewhere else…Make sure the people of the world know that you’re washing your damn hands.

Step 7: Make your exit

If you’re a smidge OCD like I am, you may want to try this little trick to avoid getting other people’s nasty unwashed poop hands’ germs. Make sure to have easy access to paper towels before washing, then use them to turn off the sink and open any doors. Works like a charm.

Welp! That’s it. If you’ve followed all of my directions to a tee, you shouldn’t have any problems making friends outside the bathroom stall. And you’ll set the bar for what the other ladies are doing. Because we really need to work together to stop being so damn disgusting.

Blog friends, any other tips you may want to give the ladies of the world when it comes to bathroom usage?

This post was sponsored by the fine people at Cottonelle. Because your bum is totally worth it. And so is mine.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Get to be a Brand Ambassador AND Talk About my Ass at the Same Time!

Good morning blog friends! Today marks the day that I begin a new adventure. An adventure all about butt-wiping.

NO. I am most certainly NOT pregnant. (GOSH!)

I’m a brand ambassador for Cottonelle. I’ll be working with the fine people who bring you joyful bum-paradise. Even after the worst poops.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but the gluten free trial? Was because I occasionally (read: frequently) have digestive…issues. You name the issue, I’ve probably had it. I’ll spare you the details.

Unfortunately, gluten-free wasn’t for me (more on that later). But Cottonelle FreshCare Wipes DEFINITELY are. So when I found out they were running a campaign to “talk about bums,” I begged, borrowed, cheated and stole my way in. Or I asked nicely (and told them that I was awesome. And that I was really good at talking about poop. And butts. And wiping.) One of those.

So here I am, a fancy pants brand ambassador for a company that I stand behind 100%. Because anyone that makes wiping my ass easier is my kind of company.

I wipe my own ass

As one of 35 Humorists for Cottonelle, I’ll be sharing some fun toilet-humor posts about my bum and encouraging you to laugh along with me. You can get excited about this fun campaign too! And you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your own toilet home. Just keep tabs on the hashtag #LetsTalkBums and you’ll see all the fun posts from my campaign-mates.

I’ve included a brief video from documentarian Cherry Healy, so you can see what’s up.

And let’s be real here, guys…

Talking about wiping your ass sounds so much better with a British accent.

As a brand ambassador, I will be compensated for my association with Cottonelle. All opinions are most certainly my own, and no one’s paying me to say nice things. I only work with companies that I like in real life. I’m stating all of this as per FTC rules and such. Go figure.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!