Wedding Comeuppance is Upon Me

You guys. I’m a little concerned. With my pending nuptials coming up faster than I can say September 16, I’m starting to realize that this is time for a little payback. From my friends and family.

14 things that people are going to do at my wedding

You see, it may surprise you, but I’m not always the most well-behaved wedding guest on the block. I’ve done my fair share of things that brides don’t just forget. And now I see that my comeuppance is surely upon me. Here are a few things that could happen that wouldn’t surprise me…but may irritate Brian to no end.

Someone or 30 someones aren’t going to RSVP. I’m going to have to hunt them down via text, email, or gasp an actual phone call. Bonus points if it’s a member of my bridal party.

Someone’s going to make hilarious commentary through the ceremony. I’m sorry it’s not in a church, MOM.

Chrissy and Three makin' jokes

Someone’s going to injure themselves. It just wouldn’t be right if someone doesn’t fall down, scrape their knee, ruin their tights, and possibly twist their ankle. Bonus points if it’s me.

Someone is going to bring their own booze. I mean, we’re having bombass open bar, AND allowing people to bring drinks to the ceremony, but you never know who’s going to decide they need a magnum size bottle of white zin by their side…bonus points if it’s a member of the bridal party…

Bottles of wine

Honestly, guys, learn from my mistakes. Bring a twist off bottle.

Someone’s going to bring an embarrassing date. Who complains about the bar and says something on the wedding video like, “I’m  sorry.” when asked to give a message to the bride and groom.

Someone’s going to convince my dad to buy him or her a bottle of wine. Bonus points if it’s a member of the bridal party.

Quirky Chrissy's dad

It’s really hard for this guy to say no to a pretty face.

Someone’s going to eat all the passed hors d’oeuvres. But if they know what’s good for them, they’ll save me a bacon wrapped date.

Someone’s going to get stupid drunk. Okay…probably a lot of someones. Bonus points if it’s before dinner.

Someone’s going to talk loudly through the speeches. A word to the wise, my matron of honor doesn’t fuck around, and her speech will probably be brilliant. And she might hit you over the head with a Corona bottle if you talk when she’s talking.

Someone’s going to stack a bunch of glassware on their table as a point of pride. I’m actually looking forward to the leaning tower of glassware part deux, you guys.

Someone’s going to steal glassware. Or centerpieces. Or the wine key from the bartender. I can’t be the only one who went through a klepto phase…

Someone’s going to spill wine on me. Or ice cream. Or a plate full of food. Bonus points if it’s one of the servers.

Someone’s going to take their bra off. In the reception room. In front of Brian’s dad. Bonus points if it’s a member of the bridal party.

Someone’s going to be a bouquetzilla. I mean, someone needs to take my place. I’m leaving an empty hole in the universe, here.

catching the bouquet

Yes. That’s me.

Triple secret bonus points if one person manages to accomplish all or most of these things for this one wedding. Pookie, I’m looking at you.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

There’s Nothing More Tasteless Than Eating Disorder Jokes at a Bridal Show

When you think of a bridal show, you may have visions of creative photographers, wedding gown experts, travel gurus, brilliant bakers, and entertainment professionals settled at their respective booths, vying for the attention of every bride, bridesmaid, and mother of the bride in a 60-mile radius. And quite likely, you’ll expect this event to culminate with a parade of elegant men, women, and children in a bridal fashion show designed to elicit the oohs and ahhs of those aforementioned brides and their entourages.

What you don’t expect, I’d gather, is for a barrage of demeaning, disgusting, and downright offensive commentary from the fashion show emcee.

Last weekend, I attended my second bridal show in preparation for my upcoming nuptials. This time, I was accompanied by one of my amazing bridesmaids at The Windy City Wedding Show at the Embassy Suites in Naperville, where we made appointments for dress fittings, gathered ideas, and spoke with other potential vendors. It all went as expected. Until the fashion show portion of the afternoon.

As the lights dimmed, we were greeted by a man who claims on his entertainment company’s website to “know exactly how to make your special event, extraordinary.”

Extraordinary, indeed.

If this fashion show were an audition for my business, Keith Christopher (KC) KoKoruz of Keith Christopher Entertainment would have lost my bid the moment he opened his mouth. As the audience, which consisted of a female majority, awaited the show, Mr. KoKoruz asked for a round of applause.

When the audience didn’t offer enough enthusiasm to suit his liking, he made the following commentary:

“We’ve got some insecure and unattractive models back there. They’re going to need some more applause before they come out here. [If you don’t clap louder,] we’re going to have eating disorders up the wazoo.”

Not only were disparaging remarks made about the models in the show, but also this emcee tastelessly made light of eating disorders to a room full of women, many of whom had probably started some sort of diet regimen to fit society’s standards of a beautiful bride.

When did it become okay to crack jokes about eating disorders?

I’ll give you a hint: It didn’t.

I left that show fuming. Pissed at the man who spoke the words. Angry at the wedding show company that supports this sort of commentary. Irritated with the women who clapped after his speech. Mad at the world. Disappointed in myself.

Not one woman in the room, myself included, stood up and said anything to this man. I was ready to start asking him questions immediately after the show, but I could sense my companion was uncomfortable with this idea, and opted, instead, to email* Keith KoKoruza, who also owns Windy City Wedding Show and several other businesses tailored to Chicago-area brides.

In both a blog post comment and a Facebook comment, Mr. KoKoruza apologized for his insensitive and uncouth remarks, but his double apology came wrapped with excuses and exceptions. Anything but genuine remorse.

He was very confident that his humor was used successfully throughout the show though I found him crass and chauvinistic. But, to each their own. Humor is absolutely a personal thing. There’s a line, though, between crass and class. I assumed when I registered for a professional bridal show, though, I’d be receiving the class end of the stick.

KoKoruza also insists that his jokes about the models are funny because they’re his friends. “They are also some of the most secure and confident people I have ever met which is what made the joke so ironic,” he rebutted.

Unfortunately, KC doesn’t seem to understand that people who appear confident are not always as secure with themselves as they seem. Many people have close friends and family members struggling in secret with their eating disorders. On the outside, they look happy, fearless, and well-adjusted. On the inside, they are fighting a demon every day of their lives.

Eating disorders are lifelong mental illnesses. You don’t recover from an eating disorder. You don’t wake up one day and decide, I’m not going to starve myself anymore or I’m done puking up every meal I eat and then it’s over. You wake up every day and decide, I’m going to focus on taking care of my body today. I will fight my disease, and today, I will win this battle. Every day is a battle. Every meal is a battle. Some battles are easier to win than others. And some are harder.

But what those struggling with eating disorders don’t need is some man, who may or may not struggle with his own eating disorder (I won’t be so brazen as to assume he doesn’t), making jokes about it as if it doesn’t matter. As if it’s not real. As if every model behind those curtains wasn’t insecure. He doesn’t know.

But what he should know is the complete disregard for propriety he displayed to the audience at this wedding show in order to gain a few cheap laughs. It’s a shame there is no one to hold this emcee accountable because what KC KoKoruz said was unacceptable.

What would you have said or done if you had been at the show? How would you have reacted? 

*While Mr. KoKoruza did not respond to my initial email sent the day of the bridal show (apparently, it was lost in the system), he did see and respond to my Facebook message.  His response arrived in the form of a comment here and on Facebook, which you can view below.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Just. Can’t. Stop.

This year has been…interesting thus far to say the least. In addition to the deaths of some of my favorite people…Jareth Bowie. Snape Rickman, I’ve been stricken with a few grievous issues. Only a few weeks in and I’ve had the laryngitis, back maladies, a small addiction to the Twitter, and a serious case of Netflixitis.

What is Netflixitis, you ask? Well, first, I thought to myself, Self, you just made up Netflixitis. Aren’t you clever? 

And then I thought to myself, Self, you should probably Google Netflixitis to see if you’re really the first person to think of such a clever thing. 

And then I Googled Netflixitis and discovered that it is, in fact, a “real” thing. Of course, it is pretty much exactly what you expect it to be. It’s an affliction of the mind and body in which you physically cannot say no to Netflix. No matter how many times it asks you if you’re “still watching Gilmore Girls?” No matter how many episodes you can get through on a Saturday that you have zero plans (and for the record, Netflix will ask you at least 3 times if you’re still watching). No matter how many Christmas trees are still up in your big, fancy, unkempt house. No matter how many things you haven’t planned for the wedding that’s nearing on 8 months away.

I hate it when Netflix asks, Are you still watching Gilmore Girls?

I see that judgy way you popped on screen, Netflix.

Netflixitis is a healing disease. Especially when it includes snacks. And a lot of drugs for your back pain. And just the right positioning on the couch. It may take weeks of recovery. And for that, we’re thankful that all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls are available on Netflix. And by “we,” I mostly mean me, although Brian has partaken of the Gilmore Girls for several hour spans of time.

Netflixitis is a disease that also doubles as an idea machine. When I told Katie I was starting on the Gilmorathon last month, she warned me of several weddings, but I had no idea that each season would be ripe with marriages and weddings and big fancypants parties. Did you know that there are AT LEAST seven weddings on Gilmore Girls? I’m only halfway through Season 5, and I can count SEVEN freakin’ weddings. And all the ideas. Oh man. I mean, I want midgets dressed like angels dancing under papier-mâché mushrooms, don’t you?

I’m totally kidding.

Sort of.

Netflixitis is a beautiful thing. Netflix is my beautiful thing.

Even if I do have this minor condition.

These 7 Signs Will Tell You If You Have Netflixitis.

7 Signs you may have a case of Netflixitis

You continue to binge watch episodes of a TV show that you’ve never seen before, despite the dishes that haven’t been washed in a week…just like your hair.

You’re now binge watching episodes of a TV show you’ve seen at least twice all the way through.

You’ve watched three bad horror movies, and are nuking the popcorn for round four.

You’re imagining your life as Liz Lemon, Lorelai Gilmore, and Buffy Summers at the same time. You’re smart, quirky and a total bad ass. You rock. Netflixitis makes you awesome.

You wake up from a dream in which you’re a teenager and boys are sneaking into your window (seriously, Rory lives on the first floor of her dorm and people can just get into her room? I lived on the first floor and we were lucky the windows even opened).

You come home from work, grab a sammy, and plop down in front of the TV for night of the Gilmore Girls, only to be highly disappointed when you realize you left your beverage in the kitchen.

You haven’t left the couch in three days and your boyfriend is sending out SOS signals from your bed.

Sometimes, my boyfriend sends SOS signals from my bed

Have you ever suffered from Netflixitis? What is your favorite thing to binge watch right now? Are you a Gilmore Girls addict? 

Netflix Stream Team

As a member of the Stream Team, Netflix sponsors these fun little posts which give me the ability to watch 24/7 streaming TV and write about it. I had a Netflix account long before I was a Stream Teamer, and all opinions expressed are entirely my own. 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Do You Want to be a Polyester Bride?

I’m only kind of bad at this 25 songs in 25 days. But I couldn’t miss out on a song that reminds you of a best friend. Sure, I just talked about her on Sunday…but she’s just that awesome.

Because I finally have my computer back, this is way easier to copy from Twindaddy’s Blog (Go read about him, and check out other participants in the 25/25 music challenge.)

I don’t know if you remember, but I’m a wretched bouquet toss vixen. I catch a bouquet like nobody’s business. Katie and I fought for bouquets for years (and I pretty much always won. Because I’m vicious.)

Brooke bouquet Toss

So when Katie’s wedding came (it really only took FOREVER for her hubs to do the proposal thing…I mean… I heart you Katie’s husband!) and I was preparing to catch her bouquet (vying for it right next to my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend), I was excited that her bouquet song was Polyester Bride by Liz Phair. Because that song is awesome. And it was one of our many hairbrush songs freshman year.

The week of Katie’s wedding, she e-mailed me the following note along with the passage that I would be reading at her wedding:

“I heart you so much. And that bouquet is yours, BTW. I haven’t decided yet whether I’m actually going to toss it, or just turn around and hand it to you.”

Of course, Katie wisely opted to throw the bouquet in my direction, so as not to cause bodily injury to her other wedding guests. Because…

It’s not what catching the bouquet means…it’s about taking out the competition.

catching the bouquet

On another positive note, I received permission to write about my Breaking Bad experience a few weeks ago. You’re welcome in advance.

What songs remind you of your bestie? Are you a bouquet (or garter) fiend?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Me, Myself, and the Bouquet

Dear Lyssa of Psychobabble,

Recently, you announced your online wedding to Shirtless Ryan Gosling (henceforth in this post and future posts as SRG). I am so utterly happy for you that I can’t begin to find the right words.

Of course, I was also incredibly disappointed that as your future sister-in-law in the Shirtless family, I wasn’t automatically invited to be a bridesmaid. Even moreso, I was very sad to discover that I was going to have to DUKE IT OUT to catch the bouquet. This is emotionally difficult for me, since…well…you know how I feel about my imaginary  internet boyfriend Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe and what catching the bouquet would mean to me us.

Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe Photoshopped

Aren’t we a cute couple?

And so, I’ve compiled this photo blog post for you, Lyssa…to make the right decision.

Because I have bouquet toss HISTORY. I mean…the first time I caught the bouquet, the bride’s sister was all whine whine whine “IIIIII wanted to catch my sister’s bouquet” so I was all wine wine wine, “FINE.”

After that, catching the bouquet was a competition. One I was determined to win. At least, in the weddings I stood up in. And one or two others…

The first two weddings were competitions with Katie (who I beat out both times and she STILL got married before me…)

Bouquet Toss Wedding

Katie and I were both vying for this bouquet, since we both gave the MOH speech.

Bouquet toss drama

I wish I had the awesome picture, BROOKE, that really went with this wedding. I was airborn and vicious and victorious all at the same time…Again, Katie and I were both hoping for a piece of the action. I think it’s because I’m bigger than her that I always win…

funny bridesmaid photos

I make an excellent and FUN bridesmaid…I’ll get you liquored up and make you take funny photos…BEFORE the reception. This bride had a married bridesmaid directing her where to throw the bouquet (where I was standing) because I may or may not have threatened physical harm…

bouquet drama

This was when Katie got married. She practically handed me the bouquet. It probably didn’t help that my ex-boyfriend’s fiance was standing right next to me…

Bouquet Toss Drama

Her bouquet broke into 3 pieces when it flew…She didn’t want me hurting her niece who got to be the flower girl, even though Katie wanted that job since before flower girl was BORN…

Bouquet toss

At her bachelorette party, I told her I was vicious and should probably catch her bouquet…I’m sure it helped that I was one of 2 of our friends still unmarried…hopefully Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe will fix that after YOUR wedding, Lyssa…

Bouquet Toss Winner Halloween Costume

A few years ago, I went as the bouquet toss winner for Halloween. You’ll note the crutches (Yes, crutches AND high heels, all for the sake of Halloween, LYSSA), the bruising, the scratches on my arms…the fake nails glued into the dress…the bloody nose…you can’t see the ripped out earring with blood on the other ear…the ripped to shreds bridesmaid dress. Yep. All me. All true. Make it happen again.

Dear Blog Friends,

Please tell Lyssa that you think I should be her bouquet toss winner. Because it’s not about what winning the bouquet MEANS. It’s about taking out the competition.

Thank you for your time. I know that SRG and you will be very happy together. But happier still if I’m there. Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe and I hope you make the right decision.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!