Conversations I Have With Brian (And How We’re Totally Weird)

So Brian must really get sick of me asking him…Every single time….if I can write about something that he says. And usually (especially when it’s REALLY good stuff) he says no. And then I am stuck giving you less than funny conversations that happen.

But seriously, we have ridiculous conversations. Ridiculously AWESOME conversations. We talk seriously in knock knock jokes…case in point:

As we’re going to bed…

Brian: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don’t know, Brian, why?
Brian: To get to the lunatic’s house.
Me: I don’t get it.
 
Brian: Knock Knock?
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Chicken!
 

It took me a while to get it.

Me: Very funny, BRIAN.
 

And then I laughed for real, because it was actually kind of funny.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Brian: I don’t know…why?
Me: To show the raccoon, the possum, and the fox that it can be done!
 
Brian: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interr…
Brian: MOO!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s There?
Me: Banana.
Brian: Banana who?
Me: Knock Knock?
Brian: Orange, right? Orange you glad right?
Me: You’re cheating!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s there?
Me: Gorilla.
Brian: Gorilla who?
Me: Gorilla my dreams! I love you! Except that really you should be saying this to me.
Brian: But you’re not the gorilla of my dreams…
Me: GIRL of your dreams, BRIAN. GIRL. UGH!
 
Brian: Cow walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”
 
Me: Brian walks into a bar…
Me: Chrissy ducks.
 
Brian: That doesn’t sound right…
 
Brian: Two droids walk into the bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here.”
Me: That’s not funny.
Brian: Oh. Actually that’s just a Star Wars quote.
 

And then I laugh hysterically, because his delivery was hilarious.

Me: Remind me to write about that…
Brian: People aren’t going to think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: Yes they will. It was really funny.

The next day…

Me: What was it that you said that wasn’t funny at all?
Brian: Two droids walk into a bar. The bartender says we don’t serve your kind here. And then I told you it was a Star Wars quote.
Me: That’s not very funny.
Brian: Which is probably why you JUST asked me for the thing I told you last night that wasn’t funny.
Me: But I thought it was funny last night.
Brian: But you were expecting it today.
 

What about you guys? What weird things do you talk about or do with your significant other?

 
Love is Finding Someone to be Weird With
 
 

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Brian Shares Saturday: He’s Back in Full Force

Well, let’s start with a little something Brian did NOT share, but he certainly made his opinion known.

Drunk Puppy

So Ash from That Ash Girl sent me this video. And it was the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. So watch it. Watch it now.


And I felt the need to show Brian, because it was (I repeat) the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

Here was the conversation that followed:

Me: wants
Brian: that video played a “get a free bible, mormon commercial”… haahaha! People came to my door in college with the same thing so I asked them for a bible written in Hebrew… which is why I have a bible all written in Hebrew in my bookshelves
Me: seriously?
Me: Secondly, that’s all you have to say about the SERIOUS cuteness of that horribly named pup?
Brian: I think it was drunk.  It kept wobbling around and falling down.
Me: UGH
Brian: ?
Me: You!
Brian: That puppy was CLEARLY drunk off his ass! He couldn’t string together a coherent sentence… probably couldn’t say the alphabet, let alone backwards…couldn’t walk a straight line…probably couldn’t touch his paws to his nose. He even had that reddish nose that some chronic alcoholics get.  Drunk!
Me: Unacceptable.
  A few minutes later…
Me: So can we get one?

He never did respond to that…

Here’s the dog tag that we’ll get our future pup who will NOT be named Tebow.

If you can read this I will lick you funny dog tag

 

More of Our Future Pets

The Lizard Attacking a Grape

Brian almost didn’t send this to me…but I was standing over his shoulder while he was trolling through Reddit. And when he watched this I said, “You better send that to me!” and of course, he did, because it would not have been nice if he did not. And then I would not have made him a delicious Irish Breakfast the next day with all the Irish meaty goodness and everything fried in the same pan, even the tomatoes and onions and eggs.

But he did send it, and so like I do on Sundays at Brian’s mom’s, I made an Irish Fry and it was delightful. Whoever invented Irish sausages (bangers, white pudding, and black pudding) should seriously win an award. It’s kind of funny because I eat all the delicious Irish food and drink tea with milk when I’m with Brian’s Irish family and they always forget that I’m Irish…and they say things like, “Are you sure you’re Polish and not Irish?” And then I tell them that I’m Polish AND Irish. And I love breakfast. And breakfast sausage. And tea kind of grew on me (though I still love me some coffee Monday-Friday and sometimes Saturday when I’m home with my Keurig and not at Brian’s mom’s house.)

Anyways…sorry for the LONG distracted ramble. (Not really.)

Pet Dolphins on Vacation in Florida

So, right after Christmas, Brian was talking to his dad about how he has several vacation days that he needs to use by February…And his dad was all, “You should come visit!” (Brian has made his way down to Florida during many a January/February to visit his dad & get some Vitamin D/warm weather…so this wasn’t a total out of the blue idea.)

Brian made the mistake of mentioning this to me…And I got so excited. I have a love affair with Florida that cannot be matched. (Obviously, we’re going. I mean…you get an idea into my head…and it sort of happens.) This will be my 8th trip to The Sunshine State. The 3rd in a 12 month period. Speaking of Florida, check out the article that Brian sent me about Disney World.

So Brian sent me this awesome picture of dolphins in Google Maps from Marco Island (where we’ll be going). My pet dolphins miss me. They want to play in the canals with us again! I just know it.

Our Pets: Baby Sloth and Baby Platypus

If you didn’t read my sonnet to Yelp, go do that now. I can wait…

OK, now, if you don’t know about our future pet sloth…you’ve got a lot of reading to catch up on.

Now that you’re on the same page as me… here are our future baby pets. Aren’t the sweet?

baby platypus baby sloth

Random Internet Pictures and Obligatory Kitten gif

kitten attack gif dog playing fetch with a statue baby turtle on big turtle

The Castle: Our Future Home

beautiful castle

Have a great weekend!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: In Which I Told Brian You Missed Him (And Had Really Bad Grammar [And was wired on coffee])

Because OBVIOUSLY you missed him. He is sometimes funnier than me. And more often than not, he finds cooler things on the internet.

But life has been busy and he has not had a lot of time to share with me the cool things he finds on the internet. Like the article about dogs who fight and the male dog lets the female dog win (Yes, blog friends, I learned about this last night when Brian would NOT let me make decisions for our team while playing Ticket to Ride, even though all the other dudes let their ladies make the decisions…and I was stubborn and said “Fine!” like we were fighting and everyone was all “ooooohhhh! Should have said ‘yes, honey’…” and Brian was like, “Hey I read this cool article about how male dogs always let the female win if they’re fighting.” and I was all, “Why didn’t you show me THAT?!” And we were still fighting.

But. Because we switched off turns after that, we both got to do our own strategizing and managed to kick everyone’s ass and obliterate the competition and LOVE Ticket to Ride…. Yes, I meant to leave that “but” as it’s very own sentence. And yes, I realize that I am still in a parenthetical statement. And yes I realize that I am rambling on about a game we played last night. I had a very strong cup of Keurig coffee for breakfast and am ON FIRE today!) So basically I couldn’t find the article. But the male lets the female win. Did you hear that, BRIAN?

So a few days ago Brian and I had this G-chat conversation:

Me: Please feel free to resume sending random pictures and links. My blog friends miss you
Brian: did they say that?
did anyone comment on the Dark Matter article? I bet they didn’t
🙁
that makes me cry a little on the inside

And I guess it’s not so much a conversation as a comment and response, but whatever. I did not fix his grammar. (Even though my title is talking about my poor grammar and over use of parenthetical statements and the fact that I started every paragraph in this post with a conjunction and several sentences…AND have several run on sentences, but I blame coffee…I did it on purpose! Sort of.)

So go over to the Brian Shares post that sort of discusses Dark Matter (well, links to it anyways) and, for the love of God, comment on it, just to tell Brian that you have no idea what it means, but you love him anyways…otherwise this Saturday spot may cease to exist. Plus, no one needs to see my boyfriend cry. Especially not me.

He did FINALLY, after lots and lots of begging, offer me these two lovely pictures. On separate days.

Dolphins!!

If you don’t know this about me, you should. I have a dolphin obsession. Maybe it’s because they’re the only mammals, other than humans who fight and bang for pleasure. Maybe it’s because they’re so damn smart. Maybe it’s because I believe that I was a dolphin in a past life. I don’t know. But I love them. A lot. And Brian always threatens to eat dolphins. And I tell him that is mean and horrible. But then he sends me gifs like this (yes gif, not gift) and I still love him.

dolphin gif

I love the dolphin chomp. It’s what I do to bubbles! I could watch this video for hours.

Superman Meets Dr. Who

So I’ve finally started watching Dr. Who from the beginning. (OK the reboot beginning…I am lazy and don’t REALLY want to watch a show from the 60’s). I had seen many episodes and enjoyed them. But for some reason Brian doesn’t always know the difference between me falling asleep because I’m bored or tired…so he never watches it with me. So in order to show him “Hey! I’ll watch this awesomeness with you!” I started watching old episodes to “catch up.”

He sent me this, which was RIGHT after I watched the episode where a space ship crashes into Big Ben. Which apparently happens a lot in Dr. Who? And Brian said to me, “This is why Superman doesn’t visit London.”

Superman meets Dr. Who

The End!

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Poor Ebenezer and the Joy of Sriracha

For those of you who don’t already know, Brian and I decided on a pet sloth, who we will name Ebenezer Sherlock Pip. So if, you hear about one for sale (preferably a baby sloth that is already house broken), let me know!

That being said, Brian continues to look for additional ideas for the future menagerie… He recently sent me this ad:

Pet Koala

My response?

“No.”

Brian, of course, pushed the issue later when he got home from work, stating that a koala would be such a great pet… “They’re so cute and cuddly!”

I looked at him, and said, “He would rape and kill Ebenezer. Do you really want that to happen?”

“Good point. Okay, no koala. Maybe there will be an after-Christmas sloth sale?”

“Let’s hope!”

So later this week, Brian sent me this gem (twice):

Sriracha Lip Balm

I told him that I would wear the lip balm, if he wore these:

Sriracha boxer briefs

Not surprisingly, he said no… (This may or may not have been the 3rd or 4th time I’ve brought these up.) Even though he looooooves the Sriracha…he just won’t wear the cool underwear.

You can buy both of these items at The Oatmeal, where you can also buy me the Grammar Pack for Christmas… where you can find lots of cool stuff!*

Have a great weekend!

 

*The Oatmeal did not pay me, solicit me, or even bother to check out my website to endorse them. *sigh* It would be super cool if they knew I existed, but until then I just think their shit is awesome and want to buy it all. I dream of the Grammar Pack often.
Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Our future pet sloth, firetrucks, turducken on crack, and donkey cheese

If you remember from a few weeks ago, Brian has a strange obsession with getting a weird pet.

So Brian sent me the same picture 3 times. First he sent it to me a week ago with a, “photo for blog” message. Then, he sent it to me again a few days later, and asked, “Did I show this to you?”

He had, but I had been completely oblivious and forgot it even existed when I posted last Saturday’s blog post. I honestly didn’t even remember that he had sent it to me the first time, until I searched my gmail history. OK, to be perfectly honest, I probably hadn’t even clicked the link the first time he sent it.

sloth sitting in a school desk

To which I immediately responded, “OMG Can we get a sloth!?!”

Then Brian told me, “It seems so happy!” and I was so excited I thought I might pee, I could only say, “I know!” So Brian sent me these videos:

Then he told me, “If you see one of these around today, go ahead and grab it!”

So I immediately went hunting for a sloth. I searched outside of our apartment. I searched near the mall. I searched at the furniture store. I searched at my favorite sushi restaurant, and my future little guy (I’m debating whether to call him, Pip, Sherlock, or Ebenezer. What do you think?) was nowhere to be found. I was pretty sad.

A few days later, just when I had forgotten all about Sherlock Pip Ebenezer, Brian sent me the picture again! And I had been having a bad day, and all was better again…because I remembered my future pet sloth.

Then Brian sent this out in a mass e-mail to his firefighting friend. There are no words.

“Can your firetruck do that?” he asked… He never did get a response.

Brian and I have been talking about trying a turducken. After I looked up how long it takes to make a turducken…I figured, maybe next year.

Then Brian decided that he had a better idea, and sent me a link to this article about a turducken ridiculous. He asked, “Can we?” I thought to myself, Well, when by we, you meant me…and only me…except for the eating part, because you’re very good at the eating part. And sometimes the cleaning part…and with a monstrosity like that…I definitely going to need help with the cleaning part… My response? “no.” He said to me, “I’ll take that as a maybe.” I ignored him and went on with my day.

Lastly, Brian sent me a really poorly written article about cheese…to which he said, Clearly meant for you. I didn’t even read it; just the headline, “World’s Most Expensive Cheese.” It’s a good thing he backed his story by saying that before I read the article…

So I did go ahead and do a little work in finding a video about it for you. Donkey Cheese: $576/lb.

If you love the Chrissy and Brian of it all, and love Christmas to boot, don’t forget that you can get your very own Christmas card from us!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

How I Tricked Brian Into Christmas Music

Dear Katie,
Don’t hate me. 🙂
 
Also, side note: Just because I won’t start decorating, doesn’t mean I can’t get a little into the holiday spirit…
 

So last night, I was cooking dinner and Brian was putting our new table together (not IKEA to inquiring minds). He had turned on Pandora, and we were jammin’ out. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him move towards the laptop to change the station…I was immediately drawn to the table, where I sneakily stood behind him (and he didn’t notice)…

I watched as he searched Pandora for Christmas music. He hovered over the “stations.” He debated internally like I have never seen before. And then…it was gone. He closed out and started to get up.

“No! You should do it!” I cried.

“What the?!” Apparently he really hadn’t noticed that I was standing. right. behind. him. the. whole. time. “No, I just can’t. It’s too soon.”

I looked at him, disheartened, and asked, “Do you know how much more I would have loved you if you had done it?”

“I would have lost a little bit of respect for myself.”

“No…Christmas music is good. It’s good.”

“Nope. Not yet. Thanksgiving is as early as it should be, and even that is pushing it.”

“But it’s only a week away!”

“And a week, you must wait.”

So I sat down at the computer and put on Pandora Christmas. The first song that came on was Baby, It’s Cold Outside. Brian’s response was that this was an acceptable song, because it didn’t discuss Christmas at all. Then White Christmas came on and I was ballerina-ing around our super tiny kitchen. Much like when Katie and I pretend we are Romy and Michelle dancing at the prom.

No joke, we do this at every wedding we go to together.

Brian and I hadn’t even been dating a year when this happened. And instead of judging us…he got it on video.

Anyways…back to Christmas music. So after White Christmas came Faith Hill…and Brian couldn’t take any more. So I stopped dancing and made my way over to the computer, where I changed the station to Winter Solstice. He said that that was alright. The sound of instrumental music filled the apartment. Not one Christmas-y word was heard…though there were most definitely a lot of Christmas-y tunes.

Brian said to me, “Why is the solstice music talking about Jesus?”

“I didn’t hear the word, Jesus…”

“I most definitely heard Jesus in my head.”

“But no one said ‘Jesus.'”

“I see what you’re doing… this is trickery it is.”

Ah yes. Trickery indeed. Christmas Music is Coming…

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Adventures in Moving

Well, fair readers, it’s official. I no longer live in the home of Wayne and Garth. Goodbye Aurora, Illinois. Hello suburban town MUCH  closer to civilization.

Moving to a new home

I’m home! This is the only room that has been fully assembled. Though it’s missing the chatchkies. They will be arriving shortly.

We moved this Saturday. Brian and I were lucky to have Anna, Cletus,  Mark, and one of Brian’s pals to help us move.

The Moving Crew

Taking a break to check out “cool techy stuff”

The Trouble with U-Haul

It all started bright and early…as Brian and I had to drive 30 miles to pick up the U-Haul. This pissed him off immensely, considering we lived 5 minutes from a U-Haul location. He wanted to just go into the one near us and demand a truck. I called and they didn’t have one available…in any size. So we sucked it up and drove to the south suburbs. I asked if we had to pay extra for mileage. He didn’t know. He didn’t seem pleased with the question answer portion of our morning, so I stopped talking…and started texting Cletus to request his assistance.

Once we arrived at U-Haul, I told Brian that I was coming in. He looked at me with a Please don’t. You’ll only embarrass me. So I hopped out of the car with a shit-eating grin on my face. We walked in and I immediately informed the guy that we were not pleased with the 30 mile drive that we had to take. And I asked if mileage was included. 30 miles. Fuck. That. I told him that I wanted an extra 30 miles added to cover our drive time to the house. He made several suggestions on how to maybe save money, until I told him that we would be traveling about 90 miles that afternoon and he realized the issue. So the amazing and wonderful Eric of U-Haul offered to add as many miles as he could (as a regular employee) at no charge. For the record–it’s 70 miles.

I was prancing around U-Haul waiting for their slow-ass computers to work…and one of the other workers complimented my pullover… My Adidas pullover. She asked the dreaded chick question: “Where did you get it?”

“Um…it was my ex-boyfriend’s?” Yes. The sweatshirt in question belonged to The Bartender.

Heavy Lifting

My boyfriend has this weird belief that girls shouldn’t lift heavy furniture. Regardless of whether or not I used to be able to throw a girl 20 feet in the air…regardless of whether or not I have helped other people move…regardless of whether or not I have helped build festivals and haunted houses…I’m a girl…and he doesn’t trust me to lift furniture. He suggested I manage the Tetris of the moving truck…and unload things to the guys. He just didn’t trust me.

Well, he didn’t. Until he realized that these 3 other guys were rockin’ out and exhausted carrying our ridiculously heavy, but beautiful, furniture through the mazes to get to our new bedroom. And finally…on the last (and heaviest) piece of furniture, he looked at those exhausted men; then he looked at me…and said, “OK, let’s do this.” So I did…with a little help. We loaded the hutch onto the small dolly that they hadn’t really used at all. Brian and I rolled it around to the “front” of our new apartment.

Then, was time to carry it up the double flight of stairs. We got to stair number 2, and I may or may not have had to pause in order to figure out how the hell to best tackle this beast. So we tried another 2 stairs. And Brian, was all like, “OK, Cletus…time to help her out,” and the other two guys jumped in as well…and with a 5-person team lifting this thing up the stairs…we finally got the giant hutch into our bedroom. Maybe I needed a little help, but dammit, I could do it.

 3 Things I Learned from Moving

1. Set up internet and cable BEFORE moving. Like a week before. It takes 3-5 business days for internet stuff to arrive. That’s a lot of days without internet. Lucky for you I wrote this post last night, NOT from my new home.

Things I Learned from Moving

I miss the internet already

2. I have a lot of stuff.

3 things I learned from moving

I don’t even know where to start. So I’ll sit and ponder where to put my Christmas trees.

3. Brian and I have discussed this. We both feel so much gratitude for the amazing men who helped us. They were amazing. And helpful. And wonderful. But we will try never to make our friends endure this again. I promised Cletus that he would not have to help with the next move.  The next time we move-we’re hiring professionals.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Sharing Brian’s Stuff Saturday: First Time Ever!

Welcome to my very first Saturday post! In order to give you more awesome every day, I’ve decided to start sharing the joy that is my boyfriend. No, I’m not going to share my boyfriend!! Are you crazy? He’s ALLLLL mine.

But he does share the best stuff. I don’t have to troll the internet for things to pin, watch, read, laugh at…because Brian does it for me. So without further ado, I give you:

Shit Brian Sends Me Through the Week

Snuggly panda bears (after I told Brian that my new two-fold goal in life is to hug a panda):

We’re big on Halloween over here…and for Christmas I bought Brian a stuffed Kermit. So he sent me this twisted Halloween decoration…

Brian thought this was funny. I did not. You be the judge… Hipster Princesses

So that’s all for this week’s Brian Shares….  Tune in next week when he realizes that I’m now sharing what he shares. Will it get better? Will it get crazier? Get excited!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here

No, seriously…It’s friggin’ hot.

Thanks to a faulty air conditioner…OK, maybe not faulty, but definitely not working…we’ve been sweltering for the last two weeks. Well, sort of.

Brian and I have a window unit in our room, so sleeping is A-OK…but you try confining two people into a small bedroom for two weeks and see what happens. So we’ve spent evenings sweating our brains out.  Our roommate, Anna, and I have both been taking cold showers. And ENJOYING them. We’ve ceased all cooking inside the house until further notice. We try to stay away from home as much as we can. It’s been a whole lot of not fun.

Of course, last night, my boyfriend has decided that there is no way in hell he could wait another day…and so he and I walked outside armed with a flashlight, a toolbox, and some random a/c parts…

He’s got a buddy who does A/C stuff, so he had some assistance in discovering the problem and acquiring the right parts, but I really wasn’t sure it wasn’t such a brilliant idea.

So Brian starts explaining what he’s doing, and one of the first things that he points out is that if you touch the A/C parts without it properly bring turned off, you would die. This was NOT what I wanted to hear. So then I started having an internal freakout, and told him, “Don’t die.” Not that I have a tendency to worry and over-think or anything…

So he went through the whole process (with a few phone calls to his pal in between) and voila. Working A/C. I didn’t once doubt his ability to complete the task, but I seriously questioned his sanity at attempting to do it in the dark.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I feel like King Roland when I loudly proclaim, “AIR!”

(Bonus points if you know who I’m talking about without looking it up.)

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!