Reasons You Should Probably Never Talk About Money (With People. Do I Need to Clarify That?)

I’ve decided to devote a little discussion to money or better yet, why people shouldn’t talk about money (Does that make this blog post ironic? Someone ask Alannis Morrisette for me). They say that money is the root of all evil…so does that make evil the money tree? 

Rich or poor, you should probably avoid talking about cold, hard cash…here’s why.

7 reasons not to talk about money. Ever.

Very SERIOUS reasons not to talk about money. Ever.

  • Someone may get jealous of your larger pay check and find a way to steal it. Probably with ninja stars and boomerangs.
  • You might get punched. Especially if you make eleventy billion dollars and are trying to use an expired coupon. And then arguing about it with the cashier.
  • If you’re trying to use food stamps (or your state/country’s equivalent), and you roll your groceries out to a Lexus…I’m going to judge you for the rest of your life. Even though I don’t know your name. And I might even blog about you. You know, quite frankly, I’m glad I don’t know your name.
  • Making 6, 7 or 8 figures is great. We’re all really happy for you. But if you’re single (oh hell, if you’re making 7 or 8 figures, I don’t care if you’ve got a family of 10), you should never. Ever. Ever. Ever. Talk about how you have no money. Because if you have no money, it’s your own fault. Unless it’s all in savings so you can retire at 40. Because I can TOTALLY respect that. Sort of. Okay, fine. I’m just really jealous and I might want to find my ninja stars and boomerangs.
  • People will feel sorry for you if you have less money. And they might then give you money. Hmmm…. Maybe you should talk about money…Let’s think on that one.
  • No matter how poor you think you are, you never know what someone else’s circumstances are. You could be standing next to someone who ran away with the circus, finally escaped from a relationship with the bearded lady, and has three circus peanuts and a clown nose to their name. Not that I’ve ever experienced this…but you know…it could happen.
  • Blaming [insert politician or organization] here isn’t really helpful for anyone. And no one wants to get into your bullshit trap political arguments anyways. You stop that right now.

What are your thoughts about money talk? Have you ever wanted to run away to the circus? Do you love circus peanuts the way I love circus peanuts? Who wants to let me borrow their boomerang?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

If I Had a Million Dollars

All this talk about winning a million dollars from McDonald’s Monopoly has got me thinking… What would I do with a million dollars?

Well, the smart thing would be to put it into some type of trust in which I live off the interest…But let’s be honest… this post wouldn’t be any fun that way.

If I had a million dollars–I’d be responsible and pay off my car/super minimal credit debit (which mostly revolves around an obsession with Victoria’s Secret sweat pants and free gifts).

I’d sell the car I just paid off…because it’s bad luck as evident… oh wait I haven’t posted any of the Jelliebean Car stories yet…

I’d buy a new car to replace the one I just sold.

My Future Pink Car

To be specific, I’d buy this car.

I’d buy a cute little house with cash…and save some money for my first few years of taxes…

I’d give my parents and brother money (he doesn’t have babies–so he gets $$ outright). I’d set up some type of CD or trust for my sister’s children and my cousin’s children for college.

I’d donate chunks of money to the following organizations: The American Cancer Society, The Make-A-Wish Foundation, The National MS Society, and Autism Speaks.

I’d donate money to my Alma Mater, Bradley University, on the condition that they use it to start a football team. I’d pay off my student loans.

I’d go on the following vacations with my man: Wine Country, European Tour, Relaxing Irish Vacation, Australia, & Rio 2016 Olympics.

I’d buy the following small, but pricey items: a fancy TV, a fancy phone, a fancy Keurig, a fancy laptop, and a really amazing squishy couch to put in my new house.

I’d let Brian quit his job and live off my resources for a little while (it’s only fair right?) but then he’d have to go get a new job eventually…one that he loves a whole lot.

Or he could work at the Cheese Shop I’m going to buy. and open. and run. Mmmm cheese…. and the Cheesy restaurant that goes with it. “Cheese with Whine” I’m thinking sassy servers in an elegant dining atmosphere. Top notch service with an extra side of sass. And lots of cheese. Fucking everything will have cheese in or on it.

OOh! Speaking of restaurants, I’d spend like a thousand dollars on one ridiculously fancy dinner.

What? You think I spent more than a million dollars? *sigh* Winning is tough work.

I guess I’d have to keep my job.

 

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Smoke and Mirrors

It’s really hard not to judge a book by its cover…or it’s title…or it’s self-description. But  I try. Sometimes.

I know that I judge some of my friends, because they don’t understand things that I understand all too well. I know that I’ve judged my absolute best friend in the world, and I also know that she’s judged me. Penny and I had that “Come to Jesus talk” that best friends have when judgement overwhelms the friendship, and we survived with flying colors. I can’t speak for sure on her behalf, but I know that I haven’t judged her since a series of e-mail messages started by a blog post entitled “I Didn’t Enter a Beauty Pageant, I Don’t Need to Be Judged.” The string of messages eventually led to us realizing that we both only wanted what was best for the other, and that neither of us really understood certain aspects of the others’ lifestyles. I believe that at that moment, our friendship became stronger.

The hardest thing for me to not judge is when people have never had to struggle to stay afloat. People who don’t understand having nothing. I’ve been completely flat broke. I’ve gone 6 months without a job. I’ve struggled to pay my tiny set of bills. I’ve claimed BK and survived it. I have been without health insurance for several years at a time. I grew up behind a world of smoke and mirrors in which my family appeared to have a decent amount of money, but really it was just that…an illusion.

Not that I ever wanted for anything that I needed. My family blessed me with love and affection in addition to countless memories of a really amazing childhood. Our family vacations were often small, but frequent (weekend camping trips, nights in hotels because Mom worked for a hotel chain). We did have several big family vacations–I was lucky enough to visit Walt Disney World 4 times before I went away to college. Credit will do that for you. But there were also times that we ate Ramen, Kraft Blue Box, or whatever else was on sale, out of necessity. I know many people who will never know that.

Or so I think. No one knew we were on the lower end of the middle class. The smoke and mirrors provided an excellent facade for everyone. So maybe I’m judging books by their covers. Maybe there are more smoke and mirror situations than I could ever imagine.  And so I stop. And think. And try really hard to quit judging.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!