That One Time You Asked Me For Ridiculous and Impossible Blog-Souvenirs From My Vacation? This is What You Get.

I was on vacation. For a whole week. 8 days to be exact. 8 days out of Chicago. 8 days out of the cold. 8 days in Florida. On a tiny little island, where grandparents hang out with each other and walk on the beach together with Chrissy. You asked me for the following:

  • Gators modeling swimsuits.
  • The hottest guy you can find. I want the six-pack, tattoos and everything. And you can say it was totally my fault if you get in trouble. SEE, I’m already a bad old lady!
  • Every beach has “that guy.” You’ll know him when you see him. I want to see him and maybe a great woman in a two piece suit to remind my wife how fun vacation is and that we need to start saving if we plan on going.
  • Awkward people.
  • Maybe a great pic of you and Brian and a palm tree.
  • Dolphins!!
  • Toes in the sand (a request from a Google Hangout)

Unfortunately…I didn’t see ANY gators in swimsuits. The lucky bitches were all naked.

Turtle gator ride

Would you settle for a turtle taking a gator ride?

Finding hot guys on Marco Island is tough. I totally was a creeper and took this one, just for you. Closest I could find.

The back end of a hot guy

The back end of a [maybe] hot guy (also includes “that guy” and one of the “awkward people.”) Fuck, I’m awesome.

OK, fine. You asked for awkward people. As if that guy isn’t enough. And me taking a picture of those two guys. And really, me in general…I’m pretty fucking awkward. But fine.

And if that’s not enough for you, I went all the way. I randomly video’ed the beach just to show you how far I’m willing to go for you guys. Point out the awkward, hot, etc etc…BTW, the guy reading the book? Totally hot just because he was reading a book. That is all.

My mom wanted Brian and I by a palm tree…

Beach vacation

There are palm trees back there somewhere

I fucked up on the dolphin picture. So I didn’t really know how to work my camera on Day 1…when the fucking dolphins were 20-30 feet off the shore. Brian’s dad kept telling me to run in to swim with them (not understanding that I wanted to PAY money to swim with tame dolphins…not get raped by wild dolphins…)

So here are dolphins from last year.

Dolphin pictures

OK fine. This dolphin is from 2 years ago. You love me anyway, right?

You really don’t WANT to see the Flintstoes…but I’ll show ’em off anyways.

Things you didn’t ask to see, but I’ll show you for funsies:

So, Blog Friends, I’ve got a few more posts with random happenings from last week lined up, but based on the pictures above, what do YOU think happened on my vacation? Tell me a story. The funniest story wins a fabulous mystery prize. Ready. Set. Go.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Things I’ve Learned on Vacation…Mid-Vacay Edition

Hey Bloggy Friends! I’m still in sunny Florida. Don’t miss me too much. I wanted to pop in really quick to give a sneak peek into our trip. Here are just a few things I’ve learned this week.

image

1. It’s much better to appreciate and enjoy your vacation than document every second of it. So when I’m short several hundred photos, please don’t be sad.

2. There will ALWAYS be something you forget at home which results in a $75 trip to Walgreens, but thank God for Walgreens, right?

3. I should never eat pizza outside of Chicago, because no matter how ok it is, it’s not Chicago pizza.

4. When sunscreen says 80 minutes, they sort of mean business…when you spend 3 hours walking away from the sun you’re going to get your ass (well everything underneath it) burned.

5. Live sand dollars are fucking awesome. They’re purple and furry…except the furry part is all wiggly and awesome.

6. It’s really nice to blow dry my hair without blowing a fuse.

7. Beers to acquire: Big Rod Coconut Ale and Schofferhofer Grapefruit Hefeweizen.

8. Yelp rocks my Yelp Elite socks off. I’m 2 for 2 in restaurant selection. 

9. Eleanor and Park is my new favorite book.

10. I want to live in Florida.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Peace Out, My Bitches…This Girl’s Headed South for the Next Polar Vortex.

I hear there’s another Polar Vortex thing happenng in the Chi. Fuck that.

I’m on vacation until further notice. Or this weekend. One of those.

Quirky Chrissy at the beach

On Saturday, Brian and I jetted out of town to Marco Island to visit his dad and my dolphin brethren. (BTW, I’m totally writing this shit ON the plane. $8 to write you a blog post and play Simpson’s Tapped Out for the last time until next weekend seemed worth it.)

After waiting in an hour long TSA line, we made our way to the gate JUST in time to send a few instagram pictures for your viewing pleasure and slam and airport breakfast sandwich.

So, in the long wait in line, I found myself encouraging other people who were running SERIOUSLY late for their flight to cut their way to the front. This sweet elderly couple was the only pair that took me up on it, and I was glad for them, because it looked like they were barely going to make their flight.The best part was when the woman looked at me and said, “Well, if anyone gives me trouble, I’ll just pull the old lady card.”

I fucking love old people. I can’t wait to use the old lady card! I’m going to be so inappropriate.

Anyways, it reminded me of the mad dash I had on my way to NOLA in 2010 when the Drug Addict, who was driving my friend, brother and I to the airport made us ridiculously late for our flight. We literally had to do the Home Alone run through the airport, begging for passage through the long-ass TSA line. My friend wanted to kill me, and I wanted to kill the Drug Addict.

This time, the Chicago weather was to blame. Apparently flights were cancelled on Friday night, so everyone was trying to get through security at the same time. Total clusterfuck.

Marco Island Florida

Well, Blog Friends, have a wonderful week! I’ll try to check up on comments and make a video blog post to say hello from Florida.  I’m taking requests. What do you want to see in Southwest Florida?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Get Drunk and Hug Inanimate Dolphins in Tuxedoes and Other Sordid Tales

The Dolphin

For some reason, there are random dolphin statues all over Marco Island. Last year, I got drunk on fruity cocktails, and hugged this guy:

Dolphin statues

Dolphin statues

Hugging dolphins

This year was no different.

dolphin love dolphin love dolphin love dolphin love

Of course, a lot more than drunken dolphin hugging happened…

I Hate TSA

If you remember from our trip to Disney World last September, with the drama of the skunk (actually, go read that. Right. Fucking. Now. Because it’s an awesome story. I’ll wait.) I have a packing problem. Not that I pack too much, but that it takes me a really fucking long time to pack things properly…And then TSA fucks it all up. So after I spent hours packing for Marco, I wrote TSA a little note.

A Letter to TSA

A Letter to TSA And you’ll never guess whose suitcase they checked this time…Brian’s! I think that they opened mine, and though Fuck That…we’ll open the other one. SUCCESS!

The Injuries

It wouldn’t be a Chrissy trip if injuries weren’t involved. Yes, I managed to carve several gashes into both of my feet, slit my wrist, slice up my hand, burn random designs into my body, and die of dysentery a la The Oregon Trail because I couldn’t carry the whole buffalo back to my covered wagon. OK, maybe not that last one. But I did tame a giant albino boa constrictor with my bare hands. (That one may be a bit of an exaggeration.)

OK, so the gashes (at least 5 in each foot) may or may not have come from the beachy shells stuck in my pink Walmart water shoes that have braved rivers, lakes, and oceans…Apparently when you let the ocean wash into your shoes, you shouldn’t walk like 5 miles in them. Just a word of advice…

 

Gashes on my feet

Ignore the Polish cankles and the Flintstoes (Flintstone toes) for just a minute to admire the colorful bandaids…More cuts ensued…It was not fun.

And the slicing up of my hand…Apparently you shouldn’t put your hand under water in the ocean feeling around for shells. One just might bite you.  Or three…

Stupid injuries

Slitting my wrist? I think that wine glass tried to kill me! I was drying the wine glasses when I must have been drying a little too hard. The next thing I know, I’ve got a stem in one hand and a foot in the other…and the wrist near the foot of the glass is gushing blood from the broken stem jabbing mighty hard into my wrist.

Cut wrist with a wine glass

I had a picture of the cut itself, which is ugly as fuck, but I decided not to do that to you guys. Do you like my Mickey band-aids?

This is how to properly burn one’s self in the most random designs imaginable. Let the water of the ocean rush all up in your leg business and forget to reapply the sunscreen.

Ridiculous sunburn Ridiculous sunburn

Braving the “Wild” Animals in the Everglades (ish)

I was bullied. Seriously bullied into a snake around my neck. And an alligator in my hands. You can see the fear in my eyes.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

He protects me from beasts.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

I was bullied into wearing this snake like a scarf. Brian kept saying they felt like good boots.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

He liked me…

In Which I Said “Hi” From the Beach During My Sand Dollar Hunt

I had been out since 7 AM (sunrise), but I took a break from sand dollar hunting to say hello to my blog friends! Also, I feel goofy on video.

In total, I found about 50 sand dollars that I brought home with me. Some cracked along the way, but holy crap. They call it sand dollar spit for a reason.

Sand dollar hunt Sand dollar hunt Sand dollar hunt

In Which I Promoted Quirky Chrissy

Quirky Chrissy at the beach

Want more Chrissy? I wrote a Top 10 List over on my side blog…The Top 10 Most Frustrating Book Characters.

I missed you, guys. Even though I was off social media for 6 days, I thought about you! What did you do while I was gone, blog friends?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Wednesday: If You’re Wondering Where I Am…It’s Here.

Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida

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Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: He’s Back in Full Force

Well, let’s start with a little something Brian did NOT share, but he certainly made his opinion known.

Drunk Puppy

So Ash from That Ash Girl sent me this video. And it was the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. So watch it. Watch it now.


And I felt the need to show Brian, because it was (I repeat) the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

Here was the conversation that followed:

Me: wants
Brian: that video played a “get a free bible, mormon commercial”… haahaha! People came to my door in college with the same thing so I asked them for a bible written in Hebrew… which is why I have a bible all written in Hebrew in my bookshelves
Me: seriously?
Me: Secondly, that’s all you have to say about the SERIOUS cuteness of that horribly named pup?
Brian: I think it was drunk.  It kept wobbling around and falling down.
Me: UGH
Brian: ?
Me: You!
Brian: That puppy was CLEARLY drunk off his ass! He couldn’t string together a coherent sentence… probably couldn’t say the alphabet, let alone backwards…couldn’t walk a straight line…probably couldn’t touch his paws to his nose. He even had that reddish nose that some chronic alcoholics get.  Drunk!
Me: Unacceptable.
  A few minutes later…
Me: So can we get one?

He never did respond to that…

Here’s the dog tag that we’ll get our future pup who will NOT be named Tebow.

If you can read this I will lick you funny dog tag

 

More of Our Future Pets

The Lizard Attacking a Grape

Brian almost didn’t send this to me…but I was standing over his shoulder while he was trolling through Reddit. And when he watched this I said, “You better send that to me!” and of course, he did, because it would not have been nice if he did not. And then I would not have made him a delicious Irish Breakfast the next day with all the Irish meaty goodness and everything fried in the same pan, even the tomatoes and onions and eggs.

But he did send it, and so like I do on Sundays at Brian’s mom’s, I made an Irish Fry and it was delightful. Whoever invented Irish sausages (bangers, white pudding, and black pudding) should seriously win an award. It’s kind of funny because I eat all the delicious Irish food and drink tea with milk when I’m with Brian’s Irish family and they always forget that I’m Irish…and they say things like, “Are you sure you’re Polish and not Irish?” And then I tell them that I’m Polish AND Irish. And I love breakfast. And breakfast sausage. And tea kind of grew on me (though I still love me some coffee Monday-Friday and sometimes Saturday when I’m home with my Keurig and not at Brian’s mom’s house.)

Anyways…sorry for the LONG distracted ramble. (Not really.)

Pet Dolphins on Vacation in Florida

So, right after Christmas, Brian was talking to his dad about how he has several vacation days that he needs to use by February…And his dad was all, “You should come visit!” (Brian has made his way down to Florida during many a January/February to visit his dad & get some Vitamin D/warm weather…so this wasn’t a total out of the blue idea.)

Brian made the mistake of mentioning this to me…And I got so excited. I have a love affair with Florida that cannot be matched. (Obviously, we’re going. I mean…you get an idea into my head…and it sort of happens.) This will be my 8th trip to The Sunshine State. The 3rd in a 12 month period. Speaking of Florida, check out the article that Brian sent me about Disney World.

So Brian sent me this awesome picture of dolphins in Google Maps from Marco Island (where we’ll be going). My pet dolphins miss me. They want to play in the canals with us again! I just know it.

Our Pets: Baby Sloth and Baby Platypus

If you didn’t read my sonnet to Yelp, go do that now. I can wait…

OK, now, if you don’t know about our future pet sloth…you’ve got a lot of reading to catch up on.

Now that you’re on the same page as me… here are our future baby pets. Aren’t the sweet?

baby platypus baby sloth

Random Internet Pictures and Obligatory Kitten gif

kitten attack gif dog playing fetch with a statue baby turtle on big turtle

The Castle: Our Future Home

beautiful castle

Have a great weekend!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Wednesday: Bring on the Dolphins!

Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures GEDSC DIGITAL CAMERA Dolphin pictures Dolphin pictures dolphin gif

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!