Remind Me NEVER to Tell You I’m Not Funny Again.

So you remember last week, when I told you guys reasons I wasn’t funny? I thought I was having a bad week, because nothing eventful had happened and I had very little to share in the humor blog world.

Well, let’s just say I jinxed myself…Like a BOSS.

Friday morning…the day after the offending post…

Brian was running a wee bit late as we were heading out the door. I went down to start the car and left him with my keys to lock up. I thought to myself, Maybe I should leave his keys, take the spare and carry my own keys. I need them to get my laptop.

He finally came down with my keys and got in the car. Which gave us 3 minutes to get to the train station and for me to run to the train. I made it. BARELY. We got to the train and I hauled ass…thank God for the woman with the broken leg who requires the lift to get in. She’s my lifesaver. Sort of.

So I sat down in as close to my usual spot as I could get (after walking through the ENTIRE train–I got on at the tail end and sit in the first car) and started reading. 10 minutes before I got to Union Station, Brian texted me to see if I made the train and that he brought my keys down, but didn’t give them to me, so they were in the glove box.

Oh. My. God.

A slew of profanities rang out, causing other train riders to glare at me, as I called Brian.

Me: Are you on the train yet?

Brian: No, why?

Me: I NEED my keys. Need them. Need them. *panic*

Brian: Oh? Calm down. Relax. I can go get them.

I called my boss in a panic, crying, freaking out. Explained all of the possibilities. I realize now that I could have just said, “Hey Boss. Going to be late. Problems with the commute. I’ll be in soon.” Instead I told him my life story and made him listen. Hopefully he couldn’t tell I was in tears.

I called Brian back and told him that I was freaking out because I was going to be an hour late to work and sitting at the train station waiting and waiting with nothing to do but worry. He told me that he could just meet me around lunch time to bring me the keys…

What? Apparently my earlier thoughts hadn’t been verbalized about needing my keys for my laptop. Also, Brian volunteered to delay his trip into the city just so I could have keys to get home (which I wouldn’t really even need!) Best. Boyfriend Ever.

So Brian caught a later train, brought me my keys and I jumped in a cab. I was going to be about 40 minutes late. Not bad.

Now I have a tendency to take cabs when I’m running late or when it’s raining…so I know the regular route and fare. This driver passed the usual turn on Dearborn, and I thought to myself, The other cab drivers usually turn here. I’m pretty sure you can’t turn onto State Street from Jackson. He’s going to take me in a big circle to get a higher fare. Fuck that. He’s getting $7 no matter what. Jerk.

But alas, he turned onto State Street. From Jackson. Which is, in fact, illegal.

And did, in fact, get him pulled over.

I was in a cab that got pulled over.

I was 2 blocks from work, and without a second thought, I paid the driver and tried to get out. The cop was telling him why he was pulling him over, and I kept demanding, “Open the door, I need to leave!”

It played out like a scene in a movie, in which he unlocked the door and I ran. I’m pretty sure I even ran fast. And I don’t run unless I’m trying to catch a train…or I guess run from a cab.

I realized a block later that you probably shouldn’t RUN out of a car that just got pulled over…the police officer might think you did something wrong.

So my luck with the cops can be passed on to anyone who’s driving a vehicle with me in it. And people wonder why I hate driving anywhere.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

10 Reasons I’m Not Funny This Week.

I’m a humor blog, dammit. And I’m not even a little funny this week. Here’s why.

Every time I almost walk into a wall, I look up from my (phone/book/feet) and near miss it.

Wearing my contacts in the wrong eyes causes migraines, not chuckles.

I avoided sitting next to the creepy old man with the dress pants and white t-shirt on the train by sitting in the vestibule area.

I almost threw up during yoga, but God didn’t want me to have THAT story on the record.

Every time I almost fall down, I catch myself.

I haven’t had to run to the train or lost my pants in the process.

My experiment with gluten free appears to be over. (PS: It didn’t help.) (PPS: Nothing funny came of my last minute decision to eat the gluten. Nothing! No amusing poop stories or anything.)

This is my last full week as a contractor. On the 19th, I start as a full time employee with the company I’ve been contracting with. While this is exciting news, it’s not very funny.

I could only come up with 8 (well I guess this makes 9) reasons.

Maybe I should wear the wheelie sneaks to work today…

So if you have read this far, and it’s ONLY like 200 words, so I hope you did… you’ll note that I linked to some of my funnyish posts…go ahead and check those out. And while you’re at it, send me a link to YOUR funniest post. Because I could use a laugh. And some inspiration. Please and thank you.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Always Read the Fine Print: AKA Wet T-Shirt Contest on the 4th of July

So last year, I told you all about my klutziest sassy-pants 4th of July. As this is a humor blog, and really we need to offer you a few laughs on this fun summer holiday…this year, I thought I’d tell you about my craziest 4th of July.

A few years ago, I was president of my local Jaycees chapter. The Jaycees are a leadership organization that I was really hardcore into for a few years. I even received national recognition (but that’s a story for another day). When I was president, I had a lot of responsibilities.

My chapter ran two huge projects over the course of the year. A haunted house and a summer festival. I didn’t run for president. I fell into the position (more on that another day). But I was a force to reckon with. We had a lot of problems getting the summer festival off the ground, but with a LOT of patience, and news coverage, we  were able to get the show on the road.

One of my jobs, as president, was to sign every. single. contract.

When you’ve got a huge festival with 20 food vendors, 30+ businesses in a business tent, 30+ crafters in an arts & crafts tent, bands, performers and other entertainers…that’s a lot of John Hancocks. Each facet of the fest was controlled by a committee, who would hand me stacks of contracts once a week to sign. As the contracts were all basically the same for each facet, I would read through one of each contract in it’s entirety, then browse every page of every contract for handwritten changes before signing.

One of my committee’s chairmen, though, thought it would be fun to change some of the fine print in ONE of the many contracts. They were responsible for mainstage entertainment, and they added a little extra clause. Of course, they didn’t tell me about said clause until the week of the festival. And showed me where I signed.

Basically, I signed a contract that said I would wear a bikini throughout the course of the fest, serve beer and drinks to the entertainment chairmen in said bikini, and in the event of rain, participate in a wet t-shirt contest.

And so I went to Walmart, bought a stars and stripes bikini, and wore it for 4 days. (I know I’m totally gross.) I bought two beers, walked them over to the chairmen in my bikini, said “here’s your beer,” and walked away.

And yes, friends…it rained for all of 15 minutes. So, after they poured a cooler of ice on me, I also let them do this:

4th of July Contract 4th of July Contract2 4th of July Contract3

I’m working on acquiring the video of the cooler dump, so perhaps I’ll be back with that for you.
Updated: Here’s the video!

Brian and I are headed to a family picnic today. What are you guys doing for the 4th of July?

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

A Breakup Letter

Dear Pandora,

I know that we’ve been together for a really long time. For a while there, it was truly something special. You were always pretty good to me, and I will always look back on our time together fondly (Well…the early years). Unfortunately, you’ve recently become unreliable, unresponsive, and (dare I say) boring.

I’m tired of hearing the same 10 songs on repeat. I know that there are more options out there, Pandora…your music knowledge and understanding just don’t seem to get it. When I tell you that I DO NOT want to hear Glee, EVER….you just don’t listen. And most importantly, you don’t understand separate stations. Just because I like a song on one station DOES NOT mean that I want to hear it on a completely irrelevant station. You’re messing with my emotions, and I’m not a fan.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve met someone else. For that, Pandora, I apologize. But Spotify knows me. He understands me. He lets me make my very own stations. He has full albums that I can peruse. I don’t even mind that his commercials are pretty repetitive…because they aren’t as often. And by spending just a few hours with Spotify last week, I heard songs that you’ve never played for me. And I rejoiced.

So for now, Dear Sweet Pandora, it’s over. This hurts me more than it hurts you. I promise you that.

Sincerely,

Me.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Dolphins, Sloth in Space and Creepy Koala

I know. You’ve missed him. He’s one of those contributors that a real humor blog needs to keep things short, sweet and amusing. It’s been a very long couple of months, and so Brian was sending less and less cute and funny stuff. But alas! He’s back! And this week he sent me three wonderfully fun images to share with you.

creepy koala on a car

The koala looks so creepy!!

Dolphins colliding

These poor dolphins made one misswim…and BAM! Collision

sloth in space suit

One small step for sloth. One giant step for slothkind.

Have a great Saturday everyone!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

WTF Wednesday: The Search Terms That Broke the Camel’s Back

(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)

I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.

Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…

Weird Google Search Terms

Petting an Alligator at Google’s holiday party… (My old company was in charge of food service at Google, and I was helping out with a catering event)

I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.

Here you go, have another sloth picture.

Cute baby sloth in a glass

That Ash Girl left this baby sloth on my Facebook page.

The BEST search term ever was this:

“Chrissy, you are so cool!”

I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.

Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:

Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy

what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches

What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…

Mousercise DVD

Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.

1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass

Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.

butt hematoma

Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.

Brussels sprouts humour

WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched "Brussels sprouts humour."

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched “Brussels sprouts humour.”

And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.

The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy

I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.

Spring Break Chrissy

At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.

Chrissy public nude

Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.

“wife’s bitch”

Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…

girls kiss pics lesbian

My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.

nude older woj

A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?

nude twinkies

Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”

Sunday morn slut

Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…

my butt cheek

*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?

I’m f*cking my mom

Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!

www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks

Embarrassing Photos

This is the picture you were looking for? Sicko. (Don’t judge me, I walked around outside without shoes a lot.)

Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.

What the fuck?

Calendar After Tuesday WTF

What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.

Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.

What’s the best search term that ever found you? Please share with me in the comments, because I would love to hear them!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: More of Ebeneezer the Sloth, Dolphin Preachers, & Bunnicula (Oh and by the Way, it’s Cold as Fuck)

I’ve spent a lot of time writing posts to ensure that next week is covered, but I forgot to prepare for today!

Luckily, Brian has been extra awesome thanks to the wonderful compliments that he’s been receiving for his part in the Brian Shares Segment of my little blog.

Here are just a few of the things that he has sent me this week…

Ebeneezer, Our Future Sloth

For those of you who are new here, Brian and I had been discussing the possibility of a pet, when we realized that what we really wanted was a baby sloth. So from time to time, he sends me videos, pictures, and gifs of sloths to share with you. which is probably why sloth searches are the number 1 Google search that leads people here. Crazy sloth lovers.

Sloth in a hammock gif

 

What’s really funny about this, though, is that in order to ensure that I receive said pictures and videos, Brian often will send them to me via text, e-mail, and G-chat.

Dolphin Preachers

I realize that the term “Dolphin preacher” is ridiculous in its own right. But shit. Once you see this picture, I hope you laugh your ass off as much as I did. I was at Mom’s when I read it, and she told me I was going to hell. C’est la vie?

Dolphins Neptune God of the Sea Preachers

I think that I was a dolphin in another life, so I feel like I have a special bond with the sea faring mammals. In fact, I’ll be seeing my best friends soon enough (Read: THIS WEEK).

Bubble Sports

Brian sent this gif to me with the title: THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN! To me I thought: This looks like life! I NEED one of these. Desperately. Then I can happily make it through life without, you know, falling down.

Bubble Ball Sports

Cool right?

Bunnicula

Please. Please PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. Because Brian didn’t. First, he sent me this adorable gif of bunnies.

Bunnicula

And I responded with OMG yes! We need one! Please?!?! We could name him Bunnicula. And love him. And squeeze him. And feed him tomatoes!

And Brian responded… “Why Bunnicula?”

UGH! Only the greatest Bunny on the planet! Bunnicula, resident rabbit of the Howliday Inn. Obviously.

Cold as Fuck

It’s about to get cold here in the Chicagoland area… and just in case you are not as lucky as me to be escaping the brief cold weather of your home city, you should go pick up a pair of these sweet ass gloves. In fact, pick me up a pair while you’re at it. I’m going to be back in the Chi soon enough.

Cold as Fuck Gloves

Scrabble Genius Bonus

Brian found this quick blurb about Scrabble and I figured that it was important to share it with you. Should the letter values in Scrabble change? I think not. But that is because I am an evil Scrabble genius, according to Katie.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Conversations I Have With Brian (And How We’re Totally Weird)

So Brian must really get sick of me asking him…Every single time….if I can write about something that he says. And usually (especially when it’s REALLY good stuff) he says no. And then I am stuck giving you less than funny conversations that happen.

But seriously, we have ridiculous conversations. Ridiculously AWESOME conversations. We talk seriously in knock knock jokes…case in point:

As we’re going to bed…

Brian: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don’t know, Brian, why?
Brian: To get to the lunatic’s house.
Me: I don’t get it.
 
Brian: Knock Knock?
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Chicken!
 

It took me a while to get it.

Me: Very funny, BRIAN.
 

And then I laughed for real, because it was actually kind of funny.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Brian: I don’t know…why?
Me: To show the raccoon, the possum, and the fox that it can be done!
 
Brian: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Brian: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interr…
Brian: MOO!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s There?
Me: Banana.
Brian: Banana who?
Me: Knock Knock?
Brian: Orange, right? Orange you glad right?
Me: You’re cheating!
 
Me: Knock Knock.
Brian: Who’s there?
Me: Gorilla.
Brian: Gorilla who?
Me: Gorilla my dreams! I love you! Except that really you should be saying this to me.
Brian: But you’re not the gorilla of my dreams…
Me: GIRL of your dreams, BRIAN. GIRL. UGH!
 
Brian: Cow walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”
 
Me: Brian walks into a bar…
Me: Chrissy ducks.
 
Brian: That doesn’t sound right…
 
Brian: Two droids walk into the bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here.”
Me: That’s not funny.
Brian: Oh. Actually that’s just a Star Wars quote.
 

And then I laugh hysterically, because his delivery was hilarious.

Me: Remind me to write about that…
Brian: People aren’t going to think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: Yes they will. It was really funny.

The next day…

Me: What was it that you said that wasn’t funny at all?
Brian: Two droids walk into a bar. The bartender says we don’t serve your kind here. And then I told you it was a Star Wars quote.
Me: That’s not very funny.
Brian: Which is probably why you JUST asked me for the thing I told you last night that wasn’t funny.
Me: But I thought it was funny last night.
Brian: But you were expecting it today.
 

What about you guys? What weird things do you talk about or do with your significant other?

 
Love is Finding Someone to be Weird With
 
 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!