Let Me Tell You a Little Story About This One Time at BlogHer…

As you may know are obviously aware, I was at BlogHer this weekend. As you may also know, I am. The world’s. Biggest. Flake.

Shit happens to me. I can’t explain how. Or why. But crazy things happen to me. That’s what you love about me, amiright?

Background story

So on Saturday, I was not feeling great at all. Friday night was a whirlwind of hungry, and I slammed 4 different sausages and some cheese fries (be damned what was in any of it…I was fucking hungry) at about 9pm. Then some wine and lamb chops at Queerosphere, and by midnight when I passed out, I thought all would be great with the world. I had a not-so-fun 4am “wake up call” from my body. Either there was gluten in the food or the mass quantities of greasy food were not thrilled with me.

I had spent the last 3 day exhausted.

I digress. On to Saturday.

I wore the worst bra ever, which I snuck off behind a curtain to remove at about 10:30 in the morning. I was bra-less. In Yoga pants. And happy. Sort of.

So I was tired. And not feeling great. And for some idiotic reason, I don’t think I drank enough water. So by 2:30 in the afternoon, I was BEAT. My head hurt. I had vertigo like nobody’s business. And I was done with the sessions and the expo floor.So I headed down to the bus to go take a nap. And got on the bus. Except that Walgreens tweeted me to say, “What’s up?! You won our bag o’ drugs!” Ok, not real drugs, y’all. Vitamins and pain reliever and allergy meds. HELL YES.  And I was a WINNER. So I climbed off the bus. Dragged my ass upstairs. And retrieved my prize. Which was TOTALLY worth it.

If I was smart, at this point I would have checked my spam folder to see if That One Other Company That I Signed Up to Win a Contest With was saying “What’s up?! You won something fucking sweet!” because I had been bugging them all day to win and they were scared of me. (The guy LITERALLY said, “You scarin’ me!” But he was joking and I wasn’t REALLY scary. I was just all, “I wanna win!” in a happy, cheerful, very non-scary way.) But I didn’t.

And I crawled back to the bus. Tired. Ready for a nap, some dramamine and some water. I got back to the hotel room, with 4 bags full of joyful swag. and my key wouldn’t work.

Motherfuck.

Instead of walking back down to the lobby, I called from my cell phone. I told the guy I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to sleep. He even offered to send up tea, along with a new key.

Security came up. They checked to make sure I was me. And then I got into my room. I took off my shoes and my shirt (I had a white tank top on under it, though!) I called Brian, chugged a TON of water, laid down for a good half hour, waiting for my key and my tea. I checked my e-mail and my spam folder.

And Oh. My. God.

I had won.

I won the Grand Prize from That One Company.

I had to be there before 5 to claim it. I responded, I’m at the hotel! I’ll be there soon! The adrenaline changed how I felt instantly (okay, and the gallon of water I had been slamming).

I jumped up. I put shoes on. I ran out the door.

For those of you not keeping track, I was bra-less. I was practically shirt-less. And I was definitely key-less.

Yes. I ran out of the hotel room and didn’t realize until I started to run toward the elevator that my tits were bouncing around like nobody’s business in a see-through white tank top. Awesome.

I considered going anyway. Because it was now 4:30. And I had 30 minutes to claim my grand prize.

I asked the maid to let me in. She said no. But she called security for me.

At that moment, Katie arrived. And she sensed my panic and asked if everything was okay. I think words came out of my mouth to explain, but I’m not sure. I put a bra and a shirt on, and raced out. And then raced back in because I forgot my conference badge.

I raced to the bus. I told them that I had won the GRAND PRIZE I needed to get back to the conference center by 5. The lady sounded impressed and she said, “Well go now!” And she told the driver to leave. It was like a movie.

We left and had a lovely chat as I caught my breath.

I arrived at the conference center, just in the knick of time. I ran up the escalator. I ran to the booth.

It was the moment when I told them I was the Grand Prize winner and I heard them utter the words, “Caribbean blue,” that I knew…

I was about to receive something I didn’t want. Something I didn’t need.

An iPhone 5 case. For my Samsung Galaxy III. I told them as much. So they gave me the EXACT. SAME. Galaxy IIII case that they had given me earlier. Except this one didn’t come with the free matching nail polish.

I can’t blame them, because I mean…shit guys, it was free stuff. But maybe they shouldn’t label every prize as a GRAND prize. Regardless, they were really nice…and the humor of the story is HOW I got there…not WHAT I got there.

Tell me blog friends, what would you have done in my situation?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!