Knock Knock Jokes, Domestic Abuse, and Cheese Porn: How You Found Me

Well, kids…it looks like it’s about time for another rousing episode of “What Ridiculous Search Terms Brought Your Crazy Asses Here.”

Knock Knock Jokes (1)

As an SEO in the real world (you know…that day-to-day gig that pays the bills so I can spend time hanging out on the internet with you people), I find it fascinating to backtrack and find out not only what page you landed on when you searched one of these ridiculous phrases, but how far you dug to find it. What I’ve discovered, you crazy loons, is that some people will dig into more than 8 pages of Google search results to find the random drivel I’ve produced relative to your search term. If you missed the first edition of random search terms, feel free to go read that post. I’ll wait.

And some of you are some seriously sick fucks.

The ones that appreciate my wit and wisdom

Postuniversity Slackerdom: You’re looking for advice on how to be a slacker after college, aren’t you? Well, you’re in luck. All you need is a DVD of Office Space, and you’ll be on your way to the sweet life. Just, you know, keep an eye on your stapler…and the guy who never gets cake. If you’re still in college and want to avoid reading all those books? Don’t visit my post about graduating as an English major without reading books for class that also links to an amazing book blogger (my best friend) who reviews all those pesky books you’re supposed to be reading. Because you should be ashamed of yourself. Go read a book.

Knock knock jokes with Chrissy: Well, you obviously love a little classic humor with a classic humorist. I applaud your choice in knock knock jokers. Because Brian and I have the BEST knock knock joke offs.

How to sprain my knee: I’m not quite sure you understand what you’re asking here. But if you really want step by step instructions, I suppose you can see the many ways that I’ve sprained my own knee…but I still don’t recommend it. If you’re jonesing to get out of gym class or something, cramps sometimes work…and headaches…migraines maybe? I don’t recommend actually going to the lengths of REALLY injuring yourself…weirdo.

 

It’s like you totally get me!

That awkward moment when someone is staring at you and you pretend not to notice: OMG I hate that moment too! I mean…not that I’ve ever creepily stared at anyone…low whistle

Professional contest winner: I love that you people search for this. I especially love that this is one of the top searched topics for this blog. Just the other day I won a free dinner for Brian and I from Whole Foods. I love winning shit. Hopefully my year as a professional contest winner can help you achieve your dreams.

Scattergories fights: This was searched quite a few times, as well. It makes me feel a little better about myself that I’m not the only one who can’t play Scattergories without fighting…

I don’t know if you’re going to find what you’re looking for here…

Fuck my corduroy jeans: I’m not sure whether you’re looking to do something naughty with a pair of pants or if you’re really angry with them…either way WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I Googled that shit to find out why you might search for that…and there are some very dirty Yahoo message boards.

I can wipe my own ass: And we’re all very proud of you.

Girl chug vodka: Okay, fine. You might find what you’re looking for here.

Vodka Chug

I really liked cheap vodka when I was 18.

Now, I really like good vodka.

Now, I really like good vodka.

You sick and twisted humans.

Cheese porn: Don’t worry. I already Googled it so you don’t have to. This is actually a thing. Not my thing, but it’s a thing.

Fucked up scary bathrooms for Halloween: Fret not, dear fucked-up friends, I can help you with my Halloween bathroom decor.

My bare ass: Are you looking for MY bare ass or your own? I’m confused. Please explain.

Stop Googling this shit and go get help. PLEASE.

Someone tried to suffocate me: Call the police. Tell someone. I searched for this and the first page results are for domestic abuse and, well, me. So if your husband, boyfriend, friend is trying to suffocate you  (with or without a pillow), get help.

Can my boyfriend suffocate me with a pillow?: No. Why? Did he try? Were you laughing and joking about it or is this a serious query resulting in the aforementioned search term? If so, get help. If you’re laughing, well…I can’t blame you. Brian and I laughed about it too. (*I have to add that I, in no way, condone domestic violence. I only condone weird and random conversations with your chosen partner in life.)

What’s the weirdest thing that you’ve Googled? If you own a website, what’s the weirdest search term you’ve come across that led to your site?

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I’m Like a Word Magician

So, you already know that I’m a word ninja and a grammar Nazi. But did you also know that I’m a word magician?

I'm like a word magician

Last week, Brian and I made our way over to DreamHost’s DreamCon (This is when my favorite hosting company, DreamHost <–[That’s an affiliate link with a shameless plug and $10 off], threw a party for me to check out in Chicago.) We were able to attend another one of these shindigs in San Jose and had a BLAST playing Cards Against Humanity with some of the DreamHost team. We expected nothing less here in the Windy City. We weren’t wrong.

As this was a networking event, we found ourselves chatting it up with new friends and old (hello DreamHost friends! I heart you guys!). While we were talking with someone from DreamHost HR, he introduced his title as something amusing (of course, my beer-muddled brain forgot to write that down). So I told him that I was a word magician.

So, out there in the real world, I’m an SEO copywriter (not copyrighter). I write copy (that’s content for advertising) for a pretty large retail company and then do some word magic to get the content to the top of your Google search. SEO is a fickle bird, and it’s certainly not one I try to do anything with for this blog. And so I told my new friend this.

I started explaining that SEO is great for somethings, but I mean, I can’t just try to optimize everything. And that’s a lot of what I see bloggers doing. Some posts (like this one) just aren’t designed to be optimized. I could try to optimize this post for “reasons your blog doesn’t need SEO” and maybe I will. But probably not. Because someone who is looking for that type of content isn’t looking for my random ramblings. They want facts and statistics. Which I’m not going to give you.

So then I explained to this lovely fellow that there were some opportunities for me to bank on my SEO knowledge…

“Say you want to search for ‘ways to fuck with your boyfriend while he’s sleeping.’ Now that’s something I could probably optimize for. Because it’s humorous and random, and anyone searching for that is looking for a girl like me.”

Of course, at this point, the guy is belly-laughing and Brian looks out through his glazed-over eyes (introvert tricks) and notices that there’s a conversation happening and he may be the subject of it. But it went all the way over his head. And I let it. Because coming soon is a post entitled, “Ways to Fuck With Your Boyfriend While He’s Sleeping.”

Because you need that in your life. Amiright?

Blog Friends, if you could re-title your professional career (whether you’re a full-time corporate monkey, a part-timer, wfh, sahm, whatever), what would you title yourself? Do you believe in SEO for your blog?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

What to do When You Have Access to Your Boyfriend’s Google Account…

My desktop computer is our media server/drive. We have hundreds (if not thousands) of movies, music, TV shows,  and games on this baby. But it’s my computer. (Even though at one time–before I decided I was pretty much never going home, which was sometime VERY shortly after our first date–it was Brian’s computer…That matters not.) My projects live here now. Brian has like 27.8 billion other computers. (Or like 3. Plus a phone. And a tablet. Whatever.)

So sometimes, when I’m not here (or when I am here and tapping my toes behind him), Brian will jump on the desktop to load an audio book to his phone or check Reddit (evil, evil troll-filled Reddit) and Digg and all the sites he finds random imgur images to share with me.

And he logs into his Google account.

Some girlfriends might troll through his chat history, inbox and outbox looking for signs of horrible boyfriend activity.

This isn’t my style (anymore). I’ve trusted Brian since day one…and he trusts me. I would never break that. 

Some girlfriends might write funny Google+ posts (or Facebook posts if he leaves his Facebook open too) to talk about how wonderful they (the girlfriends) are.

I could…but no one reads Google+ anyways. Maaaybe Facebook. Actually. Hold please…Nope. Facebook isn’t open here… Not surprising.

Some girlfriends might just log out immediately so they can log in to their own Google accounts.

We have three different browsers on this computer. I use two of them for my personal and blog accounts. Brian uses the third. He used to log me out all the time and it irritated the crap out of me. Actually…come to think of it…I’m quite surprised HE hasn’t started using my Facebook accounts against me. Let’s keep that to ourselves, eh?

And some girlfriends…at least THIS girlfriend…take(s) his account hostage for her own narcissistic joy.

Google+

Google+ Love

Why yes. I did go into his Google+ account and +1 every single one of my posts.

I don’t see the problem here. In fact, I love Google+ Bombing from my own account. Sometimes, I randomly choose a contact on Google+ and just…like every post from the last month or so. It’s fun for me. So if you have Google+, Google+ Bomb someone. Or yourself. Or ask me to do it. Because I totally will.

Side Note: Ironically, last night, after I had written this post, Brian came up to bed and went into this LONG, DRAWN-THE-FUCK-OUT story about how he happened upon my open e-mail on the aforementioned desktop, and even though he doesn’t usually look at my e-mail, he noticed an e-mail (and I’m thinking, shit…was I bitching to someone about you and you saw it?) from our Realtor and read it (phew! But for the record, I did tell him I was complaining about something he did because we’re a full-disclosure kinda couple…and we talk shit out).

Blog Friends, do you have any narcissistic tendencies? What would you do if you accidentally stumbled upon your significant others’ open Google account?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

WTF Wednesday: The Search Terms That Broke the Camel’s Back

(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)

I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.

Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…

Weird Google Search Terms

Petting an Alligator at Google’s holiday party… (My old company was in charge of food service at Google, and I was helping out with a catering event)

I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.

Here you go, have another sloth picture.

Cute baby sloth in a glass

That Ash Girl left this baby sloth on my Facebook page.

The BEST search term ever was this:

“Chrissy, you are so cool!”

I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.

Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:

Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy

what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches

What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…

Mousercise DVD

Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.

1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass

Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.

butt hematoma

Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.

Brussels sprouts humour

WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched "Brussels sprouts humour."

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched “Brussels sprouts humour.”

And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.

The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy

I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.

Spring Break Chrissy

At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.

Chrissy public nude

Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.

“wife’s bitch”

Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…

girls kiss pics lesbian

My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.

nude older woj

A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?

nude twinkies

Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”

Sunday morn slut

Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…

my butt cheek

*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?

I’m f*cking my mom

Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!

www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks

Embarrassing Photos

This is the picture you were looking for? Sicko. (Don’t judge me, I walked around outside without shoes a lot.)

Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.

What the fuck?

Calendar After Tuesday WTF

What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.

Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.

What’s the best search term that ever found you? Please share with me in the comments, because I would love to hear them!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!