Hey Baby, What’s Your Myers-Briggs Type?

For the last few weeks, I’ve taken you on a little journey that started with two guys in a bar (this is the beginning of the story, so if you’re new around here, start with this post), and has led to a very serious flirting problem that included a lot more waiting than I would have preferred. Well, not that this should surprise you, based on what you know about my dating experience, but it took another month before I messaged The Grown Up again.

I had been seeing another gentleman caller, who was attractive, kind and okay to be around…I nicknamed him McDreamy during our brief time together, but he wasn’t entirely deserving of the name. He was what you might refer to as pretty, but dumb. He was about as intellectually stimulating as a carrot.

So I was looking for something a little more. Something with substance. SomeONE with substance…someone with half a brain.

And so I messaged The Grown Up.

photo credit: L1010203_v1 via photopin (license)

photo credit: L1010203_v1 via photopin (license)

This was our longest conversation to date. I think we chatted for a few hours that fateful evening.

I sent him a tongue-sticking-out emoji, because I wasn’t terribly clever when it came to starting chatversations. It was shortly after St Patrick’s Day, and I worked at an Irish bar, so it seemed logical for him to ask me about it. And for once, I was actually kind of letting him in.

TGU: How was St Patricks day? Nightmare crowd?
Me: I didn’t work.
They hate me.
TGU: ?
Me: They didn’t schedule me.
So I went out drinking all day ūüėÄ
TGU: Do you seriously think they hate you?
Me: Yes.
But, it was okay because I went to my local watering hole dive pub that was filled with people I knew and liked.
I had a happy little corner and people came to me.

Bars on St. Patrick's Day get pretty crowded...

Bars on St. Patrick’s Day get pretty crowded…

TGU: nice!

I was going to impress him with my barfly popularity. That always worked. Why I felt the need to tell him my job essentially sucked, I’ll never know. But he took it to a whole new level.

TGU: So are you Norm, or Cliff Clavin, or Sam Malone?
Me: Well, my brother is Norm.
For sure.
He walks into the bar and everyone is all “WOJ!”
TGU: Frasier? Woody?

I considered explaining to him that I was a lady and didn’t want to be a boy character…

Me: I’m more Diane
TGU: Really?
Diane was…kinda…

Dude, I chose Diane because she was the pretty nice one.

Me: Hmmm maybe Kirstie Alley’s character?

Not really, but what other ladies were on that damn show?

TGU: Umm

I know. You’re right. But I can’t even…wait! I know!

Me: nah…
Carla

TGU: She was definitely better than Diane
hahaha
Carla was awesome
Me: I’m a sassy pants.
I’m the hilarious one.
TGU: hahaha… always awesome when people think they’re the funny one… hahaha
Although I don’t remember you laughing at your own jokes, so you’re probably OK.
Me: lol
I just get told that I’m funny all the time.
I don’t always think I’m that funny…I just talk a lot
TGU: hahaha

Oooh he thinks I’m funny!

TGU: So, did you have a good time last night?

Finally! My chance to shine again. Stupid pre-dating questions.

Me: Indeed
TGU: you don’t even remember do you?
Me: I do too!
TGU: All some kind of greenish blur.
Me: I maintained a pleasant buzz throughout the evening.

Irish PrincessOkay fine, you guys, I drank all damn day…went to 4 different bars…got stupid drunk. He didn’t need to know that.

TGU: Nice.
That’s the best way to do it.
Me: Exactly.
Functional but fun.

It was at this point, I believe, The Grown Up decided he might actually be interested in me. I didn’t realize it for…well…a while. I’m not very observant…

TGU: <nerd talk>hey, did you ever take a Myers-Briggs test? </end nerd talk>
Me: LOL yes.

He was adorably nerdy. He used freakin’ code speak. I loved him. And, for the record, I generally hate personality tests. HATE. THEM. A lot. But I just went la-de-da a boy might like me la-de-da sure I’ll take your stupid test…

TGU: did I already ask you this?

Is this really a thing you do?

Me: No, I just really liked the nerd talk interjection.

True story. Loved <nerd talk>.

TGU: Hey, some people can’t handle the nerd-nitude.
Me: I <3 nerds
TGU: yay! nerd love!
There’s not enough love for the nerds out there.
Do you remember what types you were?
(MyersBriggs¬†came up recently with friends, and so I’ve been thinking about it lately.)
Nice play, there, Grown Up. I now (as in real time NOW) see what you were doing here.
TGU: You’re probably an…EN something…because you’re very social and yet like nerds.
Me: LOL I don’t remember for sure.
I’m, like, all over the place, though.
TGU: Understandable…kinda outta nowhere…
¬†If you ever feel like it…
Me: Will do.
I’m not going to lie, here, guys…I went and took the damn test immediately. I was just all la-de-da…this could be interesting…la-de-da this boy is super nerdy. I should make him love me with my winning personality…
TGU: What I realized was that N’s are less common then S people.
And T’s are less common then F’s in women…
 me: What does each stand for?
TGU: so NT women are the most rare type
Me: I don’t know where I fall, but I’ve been told I’m a rare breed of girl. lol

The Grown Up went on a long discussion of personality types, but I’ll spare you the details. You’re welcome.

Me: I think I’m ENFP…but not 100% sure
Me: Oh yeah
That’s me
Hardcore!
Winning Personality
Please love me, Grown Up. I promise I’ll be really nice and stop being a serial dater.
TGU: Yay! That’s gonna be my new line… instead of “What’s your sign, baby?” I’ll say “What’s your MyersBriggs¬†type, baby?”
For the love of GOD; we’re FINALLY getting somewhere.
Me:That’ll get you all the ladies!
You’ve got me, dude. Just ask me the fuck out.
TGU: Totally! world, look out!
Me: Okay, maybe only the intellectually nerdy ones…
TGU: Eh, they’re the only ones I want anyway
Me: Good point. pretty but dumb gets old pretty fast

And then The Grown Up started talking about a girl he dated who fell into that category (although not dumb, just an “S” versus and “N”). I refrained from talking about my “McDreamy” because I didn’t think talking about one’s current prospects with another of one’s current prospects was in good taste. I merely mentioned that I didn’t feel guilty about categorizing the “pretty but dumb.”

TGU: (the world is about 65% S people… it’s one of the few types that doesn’t have a 50/50 split in the general population)
Me: Strange.
TGU: I like to think that reality TV is their fault.
Me: LOL  probably.
God, I fucking hate reality TV. Unless I can get famous by being on reality TV. I’m not completely opposed…
TGU: So what have you been doing for fun lately?
Me: That is my least favorite question ever. I do everything fun.
TGU: Must be nice!
Me: Indeed. Just doing my Chrissy thing
TGU: heh. Threesomes with Jack Tripper?
Me: UGH!  swat
TGU: ouch!
Me: Watch it, buddy! No Threes Company references…
TGU: What Chrissy then?
 Me:  just me!
TGU: I thought your name was actually <insert personal e-mail address here>
Me: that’s a tough one for people to get on the first try, so we shortened it to Chrissy.
We continued to banter about my name for a few more minutes before he dropped the bomb.

TGU: We should hang out some night, so I can see you in person when you’re not working. What does your schedule look like next week?

Now THAT’S a sure thing. Asking about schedules means a date will finally fucking happen.

Me: I think that’s a stellar idea. At this point it’s pretty open.
TGU: How about something like Tuesday?
Me: I can do Tuesday.
TGU: Sweet.

And just like that, I had a date with The Grown Up. Honestly, it only took three fucking months. Whatever. It was game. On. We exchanged phone numbers and he promised to plan a whole date. I was impressed and excited. I was usually the one who had to come up with an itinerary. All I had to do was pick out a killer outfit and make him fall in love with me. Easy peasy, my friends.

Are you as excited for this date as I was? What’s the longest you’ve waited for someone to ask you out? Would you have even waited as long as I did? What are your thoughts on personality tests? Or better yet, what are your thoughts on personality tests before a first date?

Riding in Cars with Boys

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Dating Advice: How to Flirt Your Way to a Maybe Definitely

I may not be married (coughyetcoughBRIAN*), but I like to think that I was really good¬†sometimes, sort of okay at dating. Which makes me an excellent advice giver. Honestly, though, I’m much better at giving advice than taking it.

Wise

See? Even Katie thinks I’m very wise. Sage-like even.

 

I’d been dating a few different guys for a couple of months. One would flake, and I’d start dating another. I was seeing two to three at a time, always talking to someone new so I didn’t totally obsess about any one guy at any one time (this plan, by the way, worked in theory only. I was still bat-shit crazy). Online dating was my escape from the not-what-I-planned life I was leading.

I was a server in a bar with damn near a master’s degree, not really sure which direction I wanted to go in. But boys were always there to occupy my mind so I didn’t have to think, let alone worry, about my future. It was freeing and constricting all at once. I was just having fun, until I wasn’t and then I’d move on to someone new (okay fine, they’d move on to someone new, so I would have to as well). And then sometimes, I would go on the WORST dates with awkward guys who had nothing interesting to say or that I had no chemistry with. And quite honestly, when you get an unrequested, uncalled for, unnecessary dick pic (not to be confused with a Nic pic) from someone you’re already not interested in? Gah. I don’t miss that.

During this time, a couple of guys asked me to go to Europe with them. And then I  digitally stalked one of them. And got a little bit crazy. But somehow managed to see them again at the bar.

I didn’t hear from either of them after they failed to meet me at my preferred local watering hole. I was a little more than disappointed.

But with all my experience, I¬†¬†had discovered the online secrets to making boys want to date me (at least go on a first date with me…or send me photos of their prize possessions).¬†¬†With these brilliant pointers, you’ll be on the road to love in no time.

How to Awkwardly Flirt Your Way to a Maybe

Dating Advice

Leave adorable messages with near strangers

So when The Grown Up showed up in my Gchat feed a few weeks later, after one of those aforementioned really awful dates…I messaged him.

9:15 AM…
Me: So, I haven’t seen you guys around the (insert abbrev for the bar I worked at before abbrevs were cool) lately…Hope things are fabulous ūüėÄ

Be patient

44 minutes later…
TGU: Everything’s been going great! Bright and Shiny started his tax season rush, so he’s pretty much under house arrest until April. How’ve you been? You’re probably settled in at the bar by now.

Demonstrate positivity, ambition, and confidence

Me: I’ve been pretty great.
Settled, yeah…but I’m ready to get a teaching gig, so now its all about the hunt ūüėÄ
TGU: well…traditionally…you want to either isolate the young or the old and infirm from the rest of the pack. You can do this through several feints designed to see who lags behind.

Laugh at his jokes

Me: lmao
Good plan
TGU: or you can set a trap.
Traps are kinda more fun because they have an arts and crafts thing going on.
You can do a snare, a pit trap with spikes, a bear trap, a tripwire with claymores, a landmine…
Endless fun!
Most teachers will never see it coming
Me: hahahahahaha
I’ll keep those in mind…

Leave him wanting more

Me: Well, I wish I could chat more, but I have to run…breakfast calls me…

Ask him out without asking him out

Me: we should hang out or something sometime :-p
TGU: Definitely. but I’ll know to look for traps now.
I’ll check my schedule and shoot you an email.

Feign indifference

(but feel free to dance around like a maniac because you’re in your bedroom chatting and not next to him)

Me: Awesome. Sounds good
Later ūüôā

Let him have the last word

TGU: Have a good breakfast

Obviously, I charmed him with my amusement and very serious flirting skills. He said “DEFINITELY.” That was good, right? I was ready to make this a thing. It had been 3 months since my first interaction with this very handsome man, who appeared to be mildly interested in me. I found myself screaming in my head,¬†WHY WASN’T ANYTHING HAPPENING YET!?

How do/did you flirt with someone new? Were you an advocate of the digital dating or did you prefer old-fashioned, classic dating?

Did I go on a date with The Grown Up or was he all talk and little action? Maybe. Definitely. Click the image below to read the next part of the story!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

When it Sometimes Sucks to be a Waitress

After I was invited to Ireland by a couple of strangers, and went all internet-stalker boy crazy, I may have fucked everything up with the handsome Grown Up. I was dating…a couple of guys. Although I should probably mention that I use the term, “dating” loosely. Based on your knowledge of my bad-ass stalking skills, and my penchant for crushing fast and hard, you can probably guess how well that was going for me. If not, let me make it abundantly clear: I was something bordering on pathetic.

a long day at the bar

One Saturday afternoon in mid-January, while working at the bar, my manager asked me to stay on and work a double. He promised that I’d be the first cut at around 9 pm. I didn’t typically work Saturday nights, so I wasn’t sure what to expect (but I did know there was a lot of money to be had). There was a band playing that started around 9 pm, and the bar didn’t get any less busy as the evening went on. It seemed as though several of my tables were there for the band. Fuckballs. I had planned to meet up with my friends at our favorite local karaoke dive for booze and tunes as soon as I left work. Apparently that “as soon as” was going to become “if.”

Around 7 pm, I was delivering food to a one of the other server’s tables when I looked up and the two people sitting there recognized me. And said hi. And I COMPLETELY blanked.

Ughhblughhderrr…

I smiled and looked back and forth between the two of them…and realized it was Bright & Shiny and The Grown Up. Whose real names had completely escaped me.

And then I got excited.

Because I was on the prowl for some new man blood in my life, considering the two guys I was quasi dating were quasi sucking…(probably because I was bat-shit crazy)…and I remembered The Grown Up had a way with words that was really fucking sexy.

I was feeling especially good about myself that night. I was skinnier then, and my work uniform was a fitted black tee shirt, a plaid pleated kilt, and black knee high socks. My hair was probably a disaster having worked all day, and there were probably 15 or so mysterious stains on my shirt, but I like to think I still looked fucking adorable.

Throughout the rest of the evening, I made my way over to their table, convincing them to order dessert so I could bring it out to them. I flirted terribly, smiling and stalking their table, even though it wasn’t in my section.

As the band started playing a little after 9, the bar got dark and loud. The boys were ready to roll out. Bright and Shiny asked when I was getting off work. I told him I was supposed to leave around 9, so it shouldn’t be too long. He then asked what I was doing after work and if I wanted to join them at another bar they were heading to.

I explained my karaoke bar, and Bright & Shiny looked optimistic. He yelled over the music that it sounded like fun and maybe they would join me. I told them where the bar was and how to get there…I really wanted them to join me. I pretty much told them as much in that clingy, crazy style I seem to be so very good at.

I imagined my night ending with kisses from The Grown Up outside my regular watering hole…even though I had long-ago established rules against that sort of shenanigans.

I would sing some sultry song and he would be so impressed by my skill and style that he would become instantly smitten with me and never want me to go away. We would snuggle in a booth at the bar, with Bright & Shiny telling us how cute we were together. He would be my advocate in this potential relationship. The Grown Up would walk me to my car and kiss me good night, planning a real date sometime soon. He’d give me his phone number instead of just e-mailing me. I’d make him love me.

There I was…planning my future wedding again.

They stayed for at least an hour longer (as I occasionally stopped by their table to smile and offer my assistance), but I was still running around the bar like a chicken with no head. Slinging drinks, running food, and diving through crowds of people begging me to take their order. Madhouse didn’t begin to describe it.

Around midnight, 14 hours after I started my shift, the lead server finally let me go home. Frazzled, I walked over to the table where the boys had been sitting. But they were gone.

I made my way out of the bar, and stopped at my karaoke spot on the way home. A few of my friends were there, but there was no sign of the two boys that I was dying to run into again.

When has your job hindered the possibility of something magical and wonderful (even if you just imagined it in your head)? What lengths would you go to in order to see a someone you had only met twice and chatted with for a few days on Gchat? How would you respond next?

What crazy shit did I do next? Did I find another way to pester The Grown Up? Did he come into the bar again? Are Bright & Shiny and The Grown Up gone for good?

Dating Advice

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

My Favorite Piece of Hate Mail

I’ve always been something of a flirt, but for me, it’s often harmless. Occasionally, some guy with a girlfriend would come along and strike a friendship with me based on drinking beer, hanging out at a bar, and laughing hysterically. Some call that flirting. I call that having fun.

Even if I were flirting with someone, in no way would it have meant that I intended to sleep with that person. Or try to break their relationship up. Flirting does not equal desire. (This is not to say that I have never partaken of the Dirty Mistresses Club; it merely means that I was not looking to steal every girl’s boyfriend.)

Yes, I used to dress pretty provocatively. Yes, I wore clothing that accentuated my assets, but I never looked trashy. God provided me with an ample amount of upper body, and though it may have seemed like I was showing the world my goodies–much like an iceberg, I was mostly hidden below.

When I was 24, I spent a lot of time at Flaherty’s. We sing karaoke and had a really great time. Large groups of people would come to hang out, and I always had a blast. One particular group of people would frequent the karaoke shows. I would duet with Matt, and drink with all of his people. He was an incredibly flirtatious guy, so when we would chat, it seemed like we were interested in each other. Not. The. Case. He was a little too much like me for me to ever want to date him.

I prefer guys who bring something different to the table. I don’t want to be in constant competition to be funnier, sassier, or louder. It would be obnoxious. I think that was the case for him as well. His very sweet girlfriend was quiet and reserved. I thought she was a pretty nice girl.

Apparently, she didn’t think the same of me. I received the following MySpace message from her cousin, Anne:

“Oct 27, 2007
 
Anne says:
 
I have a little problem with the way you are disrespecting Lisa.
Why are you always hitting on Matt and may I add in front of Lisa, you know, Matt’s girlfriend? I thought you liked Lisa. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but Lisa gets a little upset when your around. Matt is a friendly guy, likes everyone, talks with everyone, and maybe (or obviously) he’s a “boob man”. But it’s getting pretty old seeing your boobs hanging out ALL the time. It’s not just me, it’s other people too. You know there are better ways of showing off your assets.
I really wish you would RESPECT Lisa and quit hitting on Matt. I’m not trying to be a bitch, I always thought you were a nice girl and just letting you know there are more appropriate blouses out there to be wearing. I’m not saying you have to be like me and cover up. I know you like to wear flirty outfits and all, I’m just saying they don’t have to come down to just above your nipples.
I really hope you do take all of this into consideration. I don’t want to put you down, I want you to be aware that you can still look classy while dressing flirty. You’re a cute girl and I’m sure you’re fun, you can get a boyfriend of your own, stop hitting on other woman’s boyfriends. Thanks for reading.”

 

Let’s just say I had a hard time not wanting to write back and correct her grammar. I was pissed. This message has stuck with me for almost five years. Not because I was hurt by it. Not because it was true. And definitely not because I learned something from it. But because it rang a bell that I had yet to hear. Some people just don’t get it.

Anne was a cute girl, definitely a little bit on the prude side, but like Lisa, I liked her. She exaggerated a lot to try making her point, but all I really got out of it was jealousy and stupidity. Yep, I said it:

People are stupid.

 

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!