Dear Cary Elwes, I’m REALLY Sorry.

Cary ElwesDear Cary,

Can I call you Cary? I hope so. I’m going to assume that you’ve probably forgotten all about me. And Brian. I’m really hoping you forgot about Brian.

So, I’ll start with this. I’m a big fan. Huge, actually. I remember seeing The Princess Bride when I was a little girl, and it premiered on television for the first time. We recorded it on our VCR. You were the perfect knight in non-shining black non-armor. And then there was Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I can’t even count how many times I watched that one. And Kiss the Girls. Loved it.  And of course, the original Saw. The most terrifying movie I had ever seen to that point…My girlfriend and I opened every door and turned on every light that night when we went home. So you’re pretty awesome in my book. Even if I’m barely a blip in yours…and well…let’s just hope our meeting didn’t put me on your non-blip, non-awesome list.

Let me give you a refresher so you understand where I’m coming from. It’s Valentine’s Day. In Naperville, Illinois. You’ve just finished a beautiful Q & A with someone who appears to be one of your biggest fans. You made us laugh. You told stories. You hugged some ladies, and I knew you were going to be perfectly wonderful when I met you.

Cary Elwes in Naperville

As I stood in line with my book (I was FIFTH in line, my friend. FIFTH), I watched as you helped people move the signing table across the hall so that everyone could get nice pictures instead of being drowned by the sun streaming through the windows in the background. You were so sweet. You shook hands with people. You made light small talk. You looked like the nicest guy ever.

Excited to meet Cary Elwes

See how excited I was?

I couldn’t wait to meet you.

And then it happened.

I had asked Brian (my adorably wonderful boyfriend – he really is. You just got the wrong impression of him. He didn’t mean it. I promise) to take pictures with my camera, and was planning on letting the camera girl from the bookstore use my phone. But Brian REALLY wanted to ask you a question.

I questioned what he wanted to ask, but I’ll be honest with you…it sounded kind of like Charlie Brown’s teacher. He just looked so INTERESTED…and it was Valentine’s Day. And I had dragged him to a book signing…so of course, I said sure.

IMG_1592

You shook my hand, and Brian apparently tried to take pictures…but he really wanted to ask a question…and so he came forward. I introduced you to him, and then he asked you what your thoughts were on the Dread Pirates in the news. I believe his actual question was, “How do you feel about the Dread Pirate Roberts being prosecuted for an online drug ring?”

Cary Elwes

You looked…

Well…

Very confused.

That one time Brian confused Cary Elwes

That one time Brian confused Cary Elwes

I’m SO sorry. It must have been embarrassing for one of the first people in line to catch you off guard like that. You see, there’s this whole Internet drug ring going on…and the guy in charge is calling himself the Dread Pirate Roberts…and the site got shut down. The guy was in court…And another one popped up. A Dread Pirate Wesley so to speak…

Brian thought it would be very interesting to hear your thoughts on the whole situation and your character being used for Internet misbehavin’.

Wow. I guess that sounds really bad.

And of course, the girl who interviewed you looked…SO ANGRY…I think she knew exactly what the Dread Pirate Roberts thing was. If looks could kill, she would have decapitated my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

That one time Brian really pissed off some random girl

That one time Brian really pissed off some random girl

Well, Cary…I walked away; it seems we were almost ushered away more quickly than I could even imagine…

The girl with my phone apologized. She tried to take pictures. She just couldn’t seem to get a good shot. She got the ones I showed above.

And I just kept thinking to myself…

What the fuck just happened?

It was awkward. It was weird. And I’m so sorry if it was embarrassing. I’m really good at making an ass of myself in front of famous people. Especially at book signings. Like that one time I met Jenny Lawson.

I walked away and fought back the tears. Everything I had been hoping for was shot down. I was going to try to make some adorably witty banter or ask you a question about your stay in the Chicagoland area. Were you going to see Mandy while you were here? Instead I found myself smiling like an idiot, confused, bewildered and done.

I wanted to go home, but we had planned to stay for the movie. We had dinner plans afterward and it would have been silly to leave.

Watching The Princess Bride made it a little better. It’s hard not to swoon and smile and laugh.

But nearly a month later, I’m still sorry. And I do hope that you’ll forgive us. We’re just a little awkward. We didn’t really mean it.

Sincerely,

Chrissy

PS: You’re still as handsome as ever.

Hey Blog Friends, have you ever embarrassed someone famous completely accidentally? No? Just me? How about something you did that embarrassed someone else or yourself?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Dr. Travis Stork, Will You Marry Me? Errr… My Interview With The Doctor…

So…I wanted to make a video reenacting the interview with Dr. McDreamy, as performed by Brian…but he said no. Or I didn’t ask him and dreamed it all up in my head. One of those.

Instead, I’ll give you the highlights. And the interview. And pictures. Because that’s what I do.

Also, I suppose I should restart by telling you what the hell I’m talking about.

At BlogHer (oh yes. That again. You thought I was done…silly humans blog friends) I was offered the opportunity to interview delicious respectable celebrity doctor, Dr. Travis Stork of The Doctors. Some of you may know him from The Bachelor in Paris (I’m not going to lie, I don’t actually watch reality TV but I can see why they chose him as The Bachelor. He’s pretty. Smart.)

I began the day by sitting in on the first half of his panel about health and wellness, presented by Simply Saline (the very kind sponsors who offered me the opportunity to interview Dr. Stork). During this time, much like a high school student completing their homework for 6th hour in 1st hour, I wrote up my questions for the interview scheduled for that afternoon. The following is what resulted (None of these are direct quotes…there is some author interpretation/liberties).

I did tell him I was a humor blogger…and that things would be a little more..well me…hopefully he’s cool with my…memory.

Me: In your panel, which I only saw half of before I snuck out to explore the expo floor  you spoke about the importance of prevention. How can someone with a penchant for falling down, sprains, etc prevent injuries?

Dr. Stork: Footwear. What kind of shoes are you wearing?

Me: My shoes rock. They have arch support and everything!

Dr. Stork: Even those can catch and make you trip. You’ve got to watch where you’re walking. Railings are there for a reason.  They joke about people not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time? That’s almost true. You’ve got to focus.

Me: My mom says that to me all the time. She loves you by the way. She wanted me to marry you.

Dr. Stork: Ignoring the last comment Aw well, tell your mom I say hi. Also, clothing. If you wear loose clothing, you can get caught up in it and that can make you fall.

Me: So you’re saying I should wear tighter clothes?

Dr. Stork: laughs Yeah, I guess so.

Me:  When it comes to cuts, burns, and other kitchen injuries, what are some fast responses that can help minimize the injuries?

Dr. Stork: Cool water for both. It will soothe a burn and clean a cut. Most importantly, though, pay attention when you’re cooking.

Me: What are your thoughts on wheelie sneaks?

Dr. Stork: On what?

Me: Wheelie. Sneaks. You know? Sneakers with wheels on the bottom?

Dr. Stork: Oh like the kids shoes?

Me: And grown ups…

Dr. Stork: For you?!? Didn’t you just mention you fall down a lot?

Me: Maybe. giggle (This is where I casually touched his chest. Like it wasn’t planned or anything. Yes, that’s right. I touched his chest. Sorry Brian. )

Dr. Stork: Well I guess focusing is the biggest thing. And practice. And wearing a helmet.

Me: I practice at the grocery store, while holding onto the cart.

Dr. Stork: That doesn’t sound like the best idea for you…

Me: My mom says the same thing.

Dr. Stork: OK, I’ll make a deal with you. You can use the wheelie sneaks if you PROMISE to wear a helmet. You can tell your mom, when you fall down and hurt yourself, but don’t get a head injury, that I said it was okay and I’m the reason that you’re alive.

Me: Hmmm…

Dr. Stork: I’m serious. If I see you in the grocery store, you better be wearing a helmet.

Me: If you see me in the grocery store and say hi, I will ALWAYS wear a helmet.

Dr. Stork: Deal.

Me: Okay. SO I asked my readers for suggestions on what to ask you…and the questions they came up with were so inappropriate I couldn’t even say them out loud to you.

Dr. Stork: laughing I plead the fifth!

Me: Don’t worry, this is the only one I could share (THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS!) What pushed you into being a celebrity doctor?

Dr. Stork: I was at a bar after work, the network sat down with us, bought some drinks. A month later I was in Paris.

Me: Alrighty then.

The lady in charge: Time’s up.

Me: Two more questions!

The lady in charge: FAST.

Me: Trick question: Is there such a thing as too much cheese?

Dr. Stork: No?

Me: Good answer (You hear that?! A doctor said cheese is good for me!) Favorite unhealthy snack. Go.

Dr. Stork: Cheese. I mean brownies.

Then he hugged me.

Dr. Travis Stork Humor Interview

Aren’t we the cutest couple ever?

So there you have it kids. He told me to pay attention and focus…apparently that’s how it’s done.

How’d I do in my first serious journalist interview with someone moderately famous? At least this time I didn’t make a complete ass of myself (unlike that one time with Jenny Lawson). Right? Right.

I was not compensated to write this post. I was given a goodie bag of products and granted the time to interview Dr. Stork.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Ate Vegan and Didn’t Die. On an Unrelated Note, I Also Met Someone Famous and Didn’t Make an Ass of Myself. I Didn’t Talk Either, so There’s That…

After my run-ins with The Bloggess, Dr Travis Stork, and other semi-famous people who I’ve made an ass out of myself in front of…you’d think I’d be used to dealing with this sort of nonsense.

Let me start from the beginning.

A few months ago, a friend of ours invited us to go see Toad the Wet Sprocket in Chicago. I thought to myself, “self, you really enjoyed Toad the Wet Sprocket in the 90’s. Remember middle school? That shit was the bomb. Dancing in a big circle, huddled up with your closest pals, swaying to the music and smiling at the boy you had a crush on? Go. Seriously. Go to this concert.”

So we made plans…and then magically, Saturday, it was Toad the Wet Sprocket. Our friend Will thought that dining at a vegan restaurant would be a brilliant idea…while my boyfriend and I…well…we had a lot of fun laughing about it before hand. Phrases like this were bounced around on Saturday morning:

“Fake cheese is an abomination.”

“Wait. Chicken wings? Why lie? Why not call them tofu sticks?”

“I can’t take this place seriously.”

And so we decided that we absolutely HAD to go to this vegan locale, because at the very least, I’d get a funny blog post out of it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a terribly funny blog post, because I got the most stereotypical vegan entree (a salad) that contained no fake cheese or fake meat. F that. I did manage to try a fake chicken tender…which was surprisingly okay. Even if the texture was a little weird.

But the part about this visit that was particularly blog-worthy had nothing to do with the food at said vegan restaurant. And EVERYTHING to do with the Toad the Wet Sprocket concert that we’d be attending a block away.

One minute I was making fun of a fake chicken wing; the next minute Will is all, “What’s going on, man?” to this guy standing at the counter ordering. “We’re looking forward to the show,” he says…

What?!

Glen Phillips, lead singer of Toad the Wet Sprockets was getting ready to nosh on some vegan fair. And he was totally cool.

And I was totally speechless.

Our other friend managed to strike up an entire conversation with him, about how great he looked for his age (he really does look like he’s in his 20’s.) And I just sat there, barely saying a word. Thinking all of the things I wanted to say.

  • “Can I interview you?”
  • “Can I get your picture?”
  • “Can I touch your chest?”
  • “Your voice makes me want to have your babies.”

No? Probably shouldn’t go there on date night with the boyfriend sitting right next to me…right?

So I said nothing. And he smiled. And made us laugh. And then a few hours later, he was jammin’ out on stage. It was…pretty fantastic. By the way, if you dig on 90’s tunes, and have the chance? GO. Go see Toad the Wet Sprocket. They are JUST as amazing live as they are on the radio or an album. Super impressive.

Also?

I mentioned this before at the Wallflowers concert we attended a few months back…but it needs to be reiterated.

I seriously wanted to cut the bitch who was texting on her phone all night long three rows in front of us. Or the bitch behind us who kept taking videos and pictures. I was mostly impressed with the lack of visible technology because the majority of concert-goers had RESPECT for the other audience members…But the few that were all up in the video/camera/busy checking Facebook/texting world? Stop being douchebags. Turn your tech off for a few hours and enjoy the music.

And that’s why I have no pictures of said concert.

How was your weekend blog friends? If you’re in the central Illinois area (or anywhere in the midwest devastated by Sunday’s storm), my thoughts go out to you and your families. Even up here in the west suburbs it was terrifying…I can’t imagine what it was south of us.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

No Really, I’m Going to be 30…And I Need Your Help.

So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not…but I’m going to be 30. In one week. After my golden birthday comes and goes, I will return to 29. And stay there. Forever.

In all reality, I’m much less panicked than I was upon turning 25. That was a very strange time in my life. I was dating someone who’s oldest child was closer in age to me than he was (you know, just in the opposite direction). I was spending most of my free time drinking or bartending (I had a full time gig as a catering manager). And I was terrified. 25 scared me. Even though I said that 30 was my scary age, 25 was right there. Waiting for me. With that whole quarter-life crisis thing.

But 25 came and went. And I survived. And I know that I’ll survive this one too. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.

Get to the point, Chrissy…

The point is this: I’ve already done so much. And there’s so much more life to live. I’m creating a bucket list for 40. 10 years. 40 things. And it’s going to be spectacular.

But I’ve also got another plan. Thanks to my word worm, Katie, I have become a Twitter fiend. Sometimes, I tweet along with Grey’s Anatomy. Sometimes I tweet at famous people, hoping that they’ll love me and respond. And one time. No. Two times, Blessid Union of Souls retweeted me. Because they are awesome. And the Bloggess offered to share her Bloggie award with me. Because she is the most awesome ever.

TheBloggess (TheBloggess) on Twitter 2013-05-22 22-54-19And in true Bloggess fashion, I think it it would be fun to try to get some famous people to tell me “Happy Birthday.” Or “Go Fuck Yourself”. Or “Dude. Hi.” I’m not really picky what they say to me. I just think it would be cool to see how many famous people I can get to acknowledge my existence.

We all know what a fool I am when I meet famous people in real life. I have a much better chance of remaining calm digitally. So help me out. Send a famous tweeter or two my Twitter handle (@chrissawoj) and tell them that it would be fantastic if they could send me a little love over the next week. Pictures. Videos. Tweets. All seem like brilliant ideas. Because I’m pushing 30 and dammit I want to ring it in. In the best way possible.

Blog friends, who would you want to tweet at you on your birthday? Please tell me it’s someone awesome.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

How I Embarrassed Myself in Front of The Bloggess for a Good Cause (In 500 Words or Less) (with photos)

I’ll get to the point fast. The good cause? Katie’s impending 30th birthday. But the how I embarrassed myself part in 500 words or less? Here goes:

(Note: I’m speaking really fast in my mind, so I highly recommend that you read it equally as fast in your mind.)

So I was excited to meet Jenny Lawson, and I had a plan to get her to sign a book for Katie, my butter-churning sister from a past life who also happens to WRITE a BOOK blog. And through her book blog (which she began after I gave her a guest post on my blog when she was going by the pseudonym Penny, for like 5 minutes) I discovered Jenny’s book, Let’s Pretend this Never Happened, which I read and laughed hysterically at. Katie also was the instigator in directing me to The Bloggess’ Blog. And insisting that I comment and follow through to the other blogs from other people who comment. And thus began my whirlwind trip into a blogging community.

And so I practiced telling Jenny all about how Katie was my best friend ever. And how she wanted to be there. And how I was surprising her with the book. And basically rambled everything that I just wrote in the previous paragraph to poor Jenny. And of course, I said “hi” like 15 times. And I told her she was “fantastic” like 15 times. And apologized for being such a freak, because I was so nervous. And then I forgot to say anything witty. Or clever. Or adorable. Or intelligent, really. I didn’t even tell her about my best friend Ally, who was RIGHT THERE, pulling the camera/phone away from my shaking hand so that she could take pictures of me and Jenny.

The Bloggess Book Tour

Ally and I waiting for the arrival of The Bloggess

The Bloggess Book Tour

While we were waiting, Katie sent me this gem of a photo with the text: So sad that I’m not there! (She had NO IDEA I had a book to be signed for her!

The Bloggess Book Tour

Check out the sweet metal chicken reading a mini book!

The Bloggess Book Tour

She’s like, the most awesome person ever. I love her more now than I did before.

The Bloggess Book Tour

While waiting for my number (when Jenny would sign the books) I met the coolest people ever! I want that hair sooo bad! And the skirt. Apparently she wore the skirt the last time they met Jenny. How fun are they?

The Bloggess Book Tour

After I rambled about Katie for 5 minutes, AND showed the sad face text picture…she wrote this!

The Bloggess Book Tour

And then, just to show you how awesome Jenny is…she was all, “let’s pretend she’s here!” and put her arm around invisible Katie.

That Jenny Lawson is one cool chick. I’ve got more Adventures with The Bloggess posts to come.

So Blog Friends, have you ever been embarrassed in front of someone you admire?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!