Weird Fears. Please Tell Me I’m Not Alone.

I have a lot of ridiculous fears…

I mean there’s the standard brontophobia (thunderstorms, people, NOT dinosaurs.) which I’ve gotten better at over the years…

And the zombie apocalypse fear (Brian and I have zombie discussions somewhat regularly…and they always end with me saying, “you know…I REALLY don’t want the zombie apocalypse to happen.” And then Brian tries to bite my arm. Or I try to bite Brian’s arm. One of those.)

But what about the strange fears that you’re afraid to admit to? I’ve got lots. I promise they get funnier as we work our way down the list. Bear with me. Or is it bare with me?

OK, so I’ve already admitted my fear of having MS which seriously sprung from watching the Annette Funicello Story on TV. And the ridiculous number of people that I have known in my life who have or have had MS. Seriously. Crazy. Fear.

Then there’s the fear that I’ll be unable to produce offspring. I know that this isn’t something I’m trying to make happen right now…but I’ve always had a fear that I wouldn’t be able to make babies. And that makes me sad.

I have this ridiculously unhealthy fear of botulism. Ever since taking the food sanitation class when I was a catering manager…I have a horrible fear of botulism. Reheated onions? NO THANK YOU.

Who else has a fear of deer? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I clam up and get panicky when I so much as see a deer. Brian isn’t allowed to send me pictures of deer. Ever. Because they terrify me. A lot. Ever since one decided to commit suicide by slamming into my car I hate them. And get sad for them. But mostly I’m afraid of them. And their fearless ability to race into oncoming traffic. Even when I play “Frogger” in the Loop, I’m better off than the deer.

Falling into sewer grates. In Chicago, EVERY. FREAKIN.’ SIDEWALK. is lined with these grates. BIG. Giant. Grates. And I’m terrified that I’m going to fall into one. I know that this is silly. Because I don’t wear high heels that would get caught in them. And they’re pretty safely constructed. But I don’t walk on them. Ever. And it usually makes me bump into people on the sidewalk.

If you’ve ever seen Scrooged, then you may understand why I refuse to be cremated. I have a fear of being burned alive courtesy of the ghost of Christmas future in Scrooged. I know that when you die, you cannot be burned alive. But I’m not taking ANY chances. Besides, if the zombie apocalypse happens after I die, I want the chance to dig out and be free.

What about you, Blog Friends? Any strange fears? Any “normal” fears?

 

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Brian Shares Saturday: Christmas Gifts, Puppies, Cheese, and Evil Deer

Christmas Gifts

Brian is the hardest person in the world to shop for. Not because he’s picky. Not because he doesn’t need or want anything. Not because he only likes expensive things. No. Because he freakin’ buys whatever the hell he wants, even if it’s just days or weeks before Christmas or his birthday. Which makes it really hard to get him a present. Last year, he had briefly mentioned something about how cool straight edge razors are. I thought to myself, Yes! The perfect gift idea. Likely useless, but at least it’s cool and he’ll be excited about it.

Last November he went and bought this, which he’s used once and is now merely decor in our bathroom:

 

Straight Edge Razor Christmas Gift

Yep, just sitting in our bathroom. Unused. Collecting dust that I have to clean…eventually.

Which is why I thought it was funny when he sent me this Christmas meme:

first world problems Christmas meme

Of course, I put the kabosh on him being allowed to buy anything for himself this year from November until Christmas by insisting that we get an apartment. (And then we needed all of this big stuff (Couch, dining table, chairs, TV, coffee tables, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff), so he couldn’t buy other stuff. Sneaky, right?)

I’ve got an excellent Christmas present already bought and triple wrapped. (I’m sneaky like that.)

But he keeps telling me that he already knows what he’s getting me. And my anxiety of him not making purchases until the last possible minute is rising. So when I asked him what he was getting me, and he said he wasn’t telling, I asked if it was bigger than a bread box. And he said… it IS a bread box.

This bread box. Except that it is sold out. And no packages have arrived at the door with his name on them. And I am suspicious that it is not a bread box. In fact I think that I already know what I am getting…He’s sneaky like that. But if he needs some stocking stuffer ideas, he can always check out my Christmas Letter to Santa.

Gratuitous Puppy Picture

gratuitous puppy picture

Brian sent me this when I was in major back pain this week. So of course, I asked if we could get one… (You can learn all about our hunt for the perfect pet in the back issues of Brian Shares Saturday.) His response? “But his head is too big.” I told that our future puppy, Ernest, would grow into his head. (I have a thing for naming animals and potentially children after authors and book characters. Is that bad?)

Cheese

Brian sent me an article that he found on Slashdot about how cheese has been a big part of humanity for 7500 years. I’ll bet in all that time not one human loved cheese as much as me. Maybe a robot, but not a human. Cheese! 7,500 years. That means cheese is historic. Excuse me while I go snack on some havarti.

Evil Deer

I have an unnatural deathly fear of deer. More on that story another day. I promise. But Brian thought it would be funny (READ: start a fight) to show me some pictures of deer that are even more evil than I originally feared. I’m sorry dear Blog Lovers, but I can’t bear to post the actual pictures of said evil vampire-esque deer… but I can link you to the original evil deer picture that Brian sent me. And the subsequent pictures that ensured he would never have another home cooked roast beef in our kitchen again. It was very mean, knowing how scared I am of deer to show unsuspecting me these horrifying pictures.

Vengeance will be mine.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!