I Always Wanted to be an American Idol…so Maybe Blogger Idol is IT for me

I’ve spent my entire life dreaming of being an American Idol…Back when they called it Star Search and Britney Spears was adorable. My cousin Rachel and I used to practice our dance routine and sometimes we’d get crazy by doing the jitterbug…you know…before they called it swing dancing. Then we would get the whole family together and perform in front of them. We’d sing Kokomo like it was the greatest song on the planet and then we would get a rousing applause from our parents and our grandparents.

The things I do to win prizes

The things I do to win prizes

But we never did make it onto Star Search.

Of course, once I hit the teen years, I dreamed of joining Colin and Amaya in Hawaiian paradise known as The Real World. Unfortunately, I was too young. And my mom said no. (THANKS A LOT, MOM!)

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish

Cool stuff just happens to me…

Then I wanted to be on Survivor, or partner up with my pal Cletus for The Amazing Race. But something always held me back. Whether it was the need for a job and money…or my penchant for injury, I just couldn’t make it work. Something about not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time made it almost impossible for me to be physically capable of the Survivor demands.

Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe Photoshopped

I can Photoshop like a boss.

So I gave up on reality TV. Thank God for that. I mean, with shows like Honey Boo Boo, 16 and Pregnant, The Kardashians and I don’t even know what else,  TV is making people dumber. And I’m not one to join up in losing my mind. Besides, I don’t really need help with that one. I’m doing a fine job of losing my mind on my own terms.

Chef Quirky Chrissy

I cook like a rockstar

And then I went the blogger route. If I can make it big in the blogging world, people will DEFINITELY love me. So here I am, auditioning for Blogger Idol. Like it’s my job. (You know, the one that doesn’t pay me.)

dolphin love

And finally, I find joy in the little things

So if you love me, and I know that you do…you’ll tell them that they should most certainly pick me. Choose me. Love me.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Me, Myself, and the Bouquet

Dear Lyssa of Psychobabble,

Recently, you announced your online wedding to Shirtless Ryan Gosling (henceforth in this post and future posts as SRG). I am so utterly happy for you that I can’t begin to find the right words.

Of course, I was also incredibly disappointed that as your future sister-in-law in the Shirtless family, I wasn’t automatically invited to be a bridesmaid. Even moreso, I was very sad to discover that I was going to have to DUKE IT OUT to catch the bouquet. This is emotionally difficult for me, since…well…you know how I feel about my imaginary  internet boyfriend Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe and what catching the bouquet would mean to me us.

Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe Photoshopped

Aren’t we a cute couple?

And so, I’ve compiled this photo blog post for you, Lyssa…to make the right decision.

Because I have bouquet toss HISTORY. I mean…the first time I caught the bouquet, the bride’s sister was all whine whine whine “IIIIII wanted to catch my sister’s bouquet” so I was all wine wine wine, “FINE.”

After that, catching the bouquet was a competition. One I was determined to win. At least, in the weddings I stood up in. And one or two others…

The first two weddings were competitions with Katie (who I beat out both times and she STILL got married before me…)

Bouquet Toss Wedding

Katie and I were both vying for this bouquet, since we both gave the MOH speech.

Bouquet toss drama

I wish I had the awesome picture, BROOKE, that really went with this wedding. I was airborn and vicious and victorious all at the same time…Again, Katie and I were both hoping for a piece of the action. I think it’s because I’m bigger than her that I always win…

funny bridesmaid photos

I make an excellent and FUN bridesmaid…I’ll get you liquored up and make you take funny photos…BEFORE the reception. This bride had a married bridesmaid directing her where to throw the bouquet (where I was standing) because I may or may not have threatened physical harm…

bouquet drama

This was when Katie got married. She practically handed me the bouquet. It probably didn’t help that my ex-boyfriend’s fiance was standing right next to me…

Bouquet Toss Drama

Her bouquet broke into 3 pieces when it flew…She didn’t want me hurting her niece who got to be the flower girl, even though Katie wanted that job since before flower girl was BORN…

Bouquet toss

At her bachelorette party, I told her I was vicious and should probably catch her bouquet…I’m sure it helped that I was one of 2 of our friends still unmarried…hopefully Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe will fix that after YOUR wedding, Lyssa…

Bouquet Toss Winner Halloween Costume

A few years ago, I went as the bouquet toss winner for Halloween. You’ll note the crutches (Yes, crutches AND high heels, all for the sake of Halloween, LYSSA), the bruising, the scratches on my arms…the fake nails glued into the dress…the bloody nose…you can’t see the ripped out earring with blood on the other ear…the ripped to shreds bridesmaid dress. Yep. All me. All true. Make it happen again.

Dear Blog Friends,

Please tell Lyssa that you think I should be her bouquet toss winner. Because it’s not about what winning the bouquet MEANS. It’s about taking out the competition.

Thank you for your time. I know that SRG and you will be very happy together. But happier still if I’m there. Shirtless Jesse Metcalfe and I hope you make the right decision.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

The Most Interesting Girl in the World

I don’t always eat McDonald’s, but when I do, it’s from September through March. When they have a sweet promotion. Or when I’m hungover.

No, for serious, I am a marketing professional’s wet dream. McDonald’s-which I typically hold great disdain for, most of the time-sucks me in for the better half of the end of September through the middle of March. First, they drag my obsessive love-of-the-game/love-of-the-hunt person in for McDonald’s Monopoly. I find this to be much more successful that Subway’s failure-esque Scrabble (regardless of my passion for letters, words, and particularly, Scrabble).

Check out this old-school Monopoly commercial. Don’t you want a Sears Shopping Spree??

Then, when the joy of Monopoly has ceded, McDonald’s brings back that annual November treat known as the McRib. Don’t judge my McRib love. I realize that it’s a disgusting glob of random pork-like meat covered in BBQ sauce, but shoooot…. get that thing without pickles and you’ve got a meal fit for a grade school cafeteria queen.

Of course, McDonald’s never ceases to amaze me, and while I used to disappear from their radar from December through March, they’ve changed things up on me. After Monopoly, Cletus and I will have to WAIT until Christmas for our tasty meat candy. The McRib will be debuted around the holidays to promote sales.

Then comes that beautifully green and minty Shamrock Shake to bring McD’s back into my good graces. Of course, I swear it tasted better before they changed their shake recipe…but who am I to judge? It’s freakin’ McDonald’s. It’s also important to note, that ordering the SS without whipped cream or the cherry makes it inherently better.

So, you may be asking, why is this important? Obviously, it’s not…but McDonald’s started the Monopoly game bright and early this morning, and let’s just say I wasn’t last in line… For those of you who are curious, 24-hour McDonald’s restaurants begins serving breakfast between 3 and 4 AM.

I don’t always eat McDonald’s, but when I do…it’s for breakfast.

Side note: That sugary looking coffee drink. NOT. WORTH. IT. It tasted like overly sweetened whole chocolate milk with a smidge of coffee goodness. I threw it away and got a real coffee. (After I peeled the Monopoly pieces off).

As an old pro (and the winner of a $50 Shell gift card and essentially, a lifetime supply of free shipping on Snapfish prints), I know the ins and outs of this game.

First, Know Your Prize Foods

Don’t worry, I already did the work for you:

4 Peels-Large Fries
4 Peels-20 Piece Chicken McNuggets
2 Peels-10 Piece Chicken McNuggets
2 Peels-Filet O Fish
2 Peels-Big Mac
2 Peels-Medium McCafe Iced & Blended Drinks
2 Peels-Large McCafe Iced & Blended Drinks
2 Peels-Large Iced Coffee
2 Peels-Medium Drink
2 Peels-Oatmeal
2 Peels-Egg McMuffin or Sausage McMuffin with Egg
2 Peels-Hashbrowns
 

Second, Cheat the System

I had attempted to cheat the system by ordering the iced coffee with no ice. Big mistake. Huge. (Name that movie) The woman didn’t speak a whole lot of English and had no idea what she was doing… She also messed up my

Ordering medium drinks (preferably something you already drink) regularly ensures that you’re not stuffing your face 3-4 times a day with McDonald’s food. Plus it’s just like a dollar or something for the instant gratification of additional game pieces.

Third, Play Online

Use those game codes and get your butt to the McDonald’s Monopoly website and sign up. Enter those codes to get additional prizes. This is where I’ve been named a winner. Just do it. And if you don’t want to do it, mail those damn things to me. The more the merrier. 🙂

If you do play online, enter the code super early in the morning (on a Sunday)…This boosts your chances of winning.

 

Fourth, Send Away for Free Pieces

For the cost of 2 stamps, you can get multiple game pieces. It’s been a few years since I sent away, but I think that it was 2 game pieces or 4 peels from each self-addressed stamped envelope. The only pain in the ass with this is SASE inside of a hand-writted addressed envelope to McDonald’s.

2012 MONOPOLY Game at McDonald’s Game Piece Request
P.O. Box 49121
Strongsville, OH 44149-0121
 

Fifth, If You’re REALLY Feeling Crazy…

You can opt to wander around the exterior of the local McDonald’s parking lot to locate rogue (err discarded) game pieces. When I was in college, I did this with some embarrassing regularity. Now that I’m a grown up, I don’t do this…much.

You can also pitch a fit about there being no-purchase-necessary when you order off the dollar menu, and if you get a really great/annoyed employee, they’ll just throw a few empty cups at you with a disgruntled look. Not that I’ve done that or anything…

So there you have it, folks, my obsession with McDonald’s Monopoly. And of course, with all of my favorite bits of crazy, I’ve taken the liberty of participating in yet another photo shoot. You’re welcome.

The actual odds: 1 in 6.

The odds that they tell you…

 

 

 

 

 

BC=Before Coffee

AD=After Drinking (coffee)

 

Last but not least, I’d like to thank the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!