Peace Out, My Bitches…This Girl’s Headed South for the Next Polar Vortex.

I hear there’s another Polar Vortex thing happenng in the Chi. Fuck that.

I’m on vacation until further notice. Or this weekend. One of those.

Quirky Chrissy at the beach

On Saturday, Brian and I jetted out of town to Marco Island to visit his dad and my dolphin brethren. (BTW, I’m totally writing this shit ON the plane. $8 to write you a blog post and play Simpson’s Tapped Out for the last time until next weekend seemed worth it.)

After waiting in an hour long TSA line, we made our way to the gate JUST in time to send a few instagram pictures for your viewing pleasure and slam and airport breakfast sandwich.

So, in the long wait in line, I found myself encouraging other people who were running SERIOUSLY late for their flight to cut their way to the front. This sweet elderly couple was the only pair that took me up on it, and I was glad for them, because it looked like they were barely going to make their flight.The best part was when the woman looked at me and said, “Well, if anyone gives me trouble, I’ll just pull the old lady card.”

I fucking love old people. I can’t wait to use the old lady card! I’m going to be so inappropriate.

Anyways, it reminded me of the mad dash I had on my way to NOLA in 2010 when the Drug Addict, who was driving my friend, brother and I to the airport made us ridiculously late for our flight. We literally had to do the Home Alone run through the airport, begging for passage through the long-ass TSA line. My friend wanted to kill me, and I wanted to kill the Drug Addict.

This time, the Chicago weather was to blame. Apparently flights were cancelled on Friday night, so everyone was trying to get through security at the same time. Total clusterfuck.

Marco Island Florida

Well, Blog Friends, have a wonderful week! I’ll try to check up on comments and make a video blog post to say hello from Florida.  I’m taking requests. What do you want to see in Southwest Florida?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

I Get Drunk and Hug Inanimate Dolphins in Tuxedoes and Other Sordid Tales

The Dolphin

For some reason, there are random dolphin statues all over Marco Island. Last year, I got drunk on fruity cocktails, and hugged this guy:

Dolphin statues

Dolphin statues

Hugging dolphins

This year was no different.

dolphin love dolphin love dolphin love dolphin love

Of course, a lot more than drunken dolphin hugging happened…

I Hate TSA

If you remember from our trip to Disney World last September, with the drama of the skunk (actually, go read that. Right. Fucking. Now. Because it’s an awesome story. I’ll wait.) I have a packing problem. Not that I pack too much, but that it takes me a really fucking long time to pack things properly…And then TSA fucks it all up. So after I spent hours packing for Marco, I wrote TSA a little note.

A Letter to TSA

A Letter to TSA And you’ll never guess whose suitcase they checked this time…Brian’s! I think that they opened mine, and though Fuck That…we’ll open the other one. SUCCESS!

The Injuries

It wouldn’t be a Chrissy trip if injuries weren’t involved. Yes, I managed to carve several gashes into both of my feet, slit my wrist, slice up my hand, burn random designs into my body, and die of dysentery a la The Oregon Trail because I couldn’t carry the whole buffalo back to my covered wagon. OK, maybe not that last one. But I did tame a giant albino boa constrictor with my bare hands. (That one may be a bit of an exaggeration.)

OK, so the gashes (at least 5 in each foot) may or may not have come from the beachy shells stuck in my pink Walmart water shoes that have braved rivers, lakes, and oceans…Apparently when you let the ocean wash into your shoes, you shouldn’t walk like 5 miles in them. Just a word of advice…

 

Gashes on my feet

Ignore the Polish cankles and the Flintstoes (Flintstone toes) for just a minute to admire the colorful bandaids…More cuts ensued…It was not fun.

And the slicing up of my hand…Apparently you shouldn’t put your hand under water in the ocean feeling around for shells. One just might bite you.  Or three…

Stupid injuries

Slitting my wrist? I think that wine glass tried to kill me! I was drying the wine glasses when I must have been drying a little too hard. The next thing I know, I’ve got a stem in one hand and a foot in the other…and the wrist near the foot of the glass is gushing blood from the broken stem jabbing mighty hard into my wrist.

Cut wrist with a wine glass

I had a picture of the cut itself, which is ugly as fuck, but I decided not to do that to you guys. Do you like my Mickey band-aids?

This is how to properly burn one’s self in the most random designs imaginable. Let the water of the ocean rush all up in your leg business and forget to reapply the sunscreen.

Ridiculous sunburn Ridiculous sunburn

Braving the “Wild” Animals in the Everglades (ish)

I was bullied. Seriously bullied into a snake around my neck. And an alligator in my hands. You can see the fear in my eyes.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

He protects me from beasts.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

I was bullied into wearing this snake like a scarf. Brian kept saying they felt like good boots.

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

Wild animals at skunk ape research facility

He liked me…

In Which I Said “Hi” From the Beach During My Sand Dollar Hunt

I had been out since 7 AM (sunrise), but I took a break from sand dollar hunting to say hello to my blog friends! Also, I feel goofy on video.

In total, I found about 50 sand dollars that I brought home with me. Some cracked along the way, but holy crap. They call it sand dollar spit for a reason.

Sand dollar hunt Sand dollar hunt Sand dollar hunt

In Which I Promoted Quirky Chrissy

Quirky Chrissy at the beach

Want more Chrissy? I wrote a Top 10 List over on my side blog…The Top 10 Most Frustrating Book Characters.

I missed you, guys. Even though I was off social media for 6 days, I thought about you! What did you do while I was gone, blog friends?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Wednesday: If You’re Wondering Where I Am…It’s Here.

Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida Marco Island Florida

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Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!