That One Time My Life Was Like Breaking Bad

You guys. You will not BELIEVE what happened. I FINALLY got permission to write about this little sitch-something about statute of limitations or something?

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So, a friend of mine owns a rental condo. A sweet little condo in a quiet little suburb. And the most recent tenants left in quite a hurry. We’re talking furniture, clothes, garbage all up in that place. It was a disaster. Broke their lease and rolled the fuck out. Leaving a few new additions to the place as well (read: almost all of their earthly possessions were left behind)…including a wall safe, a full-on security system, an extra fan in the kitchen, and a gun locker.

Drugs. Definitely drugs.

Of course this was just a little bit of educated guessing…

Well, my brother and I helped with the final clear out after our pal had spent hours and hours cleaning this place up. All that remained by the time we showed up were a few pieces of furniture and the gun locker.

Somehow, this large gun safe made it to the outside of my family’s home (and by somehow, I mean we loaded it in a truck and carted it to my parents’ place)…because, you know…visions of random DIY shit danced in my head…until I noticed that the gun locker had a key broken off inside of it.

Someone broke that key off on purpose.

Curiosity, it appears, runs in my family. Little Brother decided that it was absolutely necessary to get this locker opened. So he grabbed a hammer and a flathead screwdriver and went to work.

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Of course, at this point, my dad came out and saw what was going down…he looked at my brother’s efforts, and his response was something along the lines of a laugh and, “No, son, you’re doing it wrong.”

Dad walked to the garage and grabbed a crowbar. I didn’t even know we HAD a crowbar. I almost thought for a second that he was going to go in for the kill, but then he handed the crowbar off to my brother in some primitive man-to-son thing. My brother got back to work while the fam looked on in wonder? Curiosity? Fear? Excitement? One of these, I’m sure of it.

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And within minutes, we’d broken into the gun locker. Recap: if you want to break into a gun locker, lay it on its side, get a crowbar and pop that bitch open.

Inside the abandoned gun locker with a key broken off in the lock we found all sorts of crazy shit.

Aside from the visible golf tees(someone explain this to me. Is this a drug thing? My only real experience with the drugs was with The Drug Addict. Googlepedia only told me that drug addicts play golf), most of it was packed into grocery bags. Some of us less-than-wisely decided to reach in and see what was in the bags…

Of course, being a gun safe, there was all sorts of ammo for Winchester rifles and God only knows what else inside, including a giant fucking bullet or shell or whatever you call it…

Inside some of the bags, on first look, was garbage…but upon further investigation, we discovered used(?) hypodermic needles and melted/burned/cut-in-half pop cans (apparently, this is common drug paraphernalia for crack cocaine? Thanks, Google) and a bottle of methadone (cooking crystal meth, were they?).

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At this point, we called our friend to explain that we had popped the safe open, discovered a world of not-so-awesome shit and maybe we should call the police. Our buddy came over, assessed the situation, took the gun case back to the condo…and tossed it in the dumpster near the unit.

Terrifying visions of retaliation from crazy drug lords danced in our heads…getting rid of it in the quickest and dirtiest way seemed like the least likely route to get killed.

For the record, the police WERE notified…and while my friend offered to show them the dumpster full of used drug paraphernalia and ammo, they said it was no big deal. This is not the outcome any of us expected, but when the popo say it’s all good, it’s all good, amiright?

Blog Friends, what’s the craziest thing that’s randomly happened to you? What would you have done in this sitch?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wordless Meets WTF Wednesday: The Adventures of Olive Baby

Yeah… I have no clue. This was taken a few years ago on “Sunday Funday.”

Meet Olive Baby

Meet Olive Baby

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby loves a good snack

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby works hard for the money

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby is hanging out

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby gets thirsty sometimes

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby goes for a swim

Olive Baby in her hot tub

Olive Baby takes a nap

Olive Baby takes a nap or gets stabbed. One of those.

 Blog Friends, Have YOU ever done anything strange when you were out at the bar? Tell me! Don’t make me feel totally alone and embarrassed here.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

WTF Wednesday: The Search Terms That Broke the Camel’s Back

(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)

I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.

Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…

Weird Google Search Terms

Petting an Alligator at Google’s holiday party… (My old company was in charge of food service at Google, and I was helping out with a catering event)

I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.

Here you go, have another sloth picture.

Cute baby sloth in a glass

That Ash Girl left this baby sloth on my Facebook page.

The BEST search term ever was this:

“Chrissy, you are so cool!”

I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.

Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:

Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy

what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches

What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…

Mousercise DVD

Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.

1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass

Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.

butt hematoma

Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.

Brussels sprouts humour

WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched "Brussels sprouts humour."

This shirt makes me sad. But it came up when I searched “Brussels sprouts humour.”

And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.

The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy

I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.

Spring Break Chrissy

At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.

Chrissy public nude

Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.

“wife’s bitch”

Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…

girls kiss pics lesbian

My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.

nude older woj

A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?

nude twinkies

Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”

Sunday morn slut

Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…

my butt cheek

*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?

I’m f*cking my mom

Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!

www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks

Embarrassing Photos

This is the picture you were looking for? Sicko. (Don’t judge me, I walked around outside without shoes a lot.)

Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.

What the fuck?

Calendar After Tuesday WTF

What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.

Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.

What’s the best search term that ever found you? Please share with me in the comments, because I would love to hear them!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!