Search Results for: sloth

Sloth Humor

Have I shared this before? Because it’s amazing. Sloths are the best. And very interesting.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Dolphins, Sloth in Space and Creepy Koala

I know. You’ve missed him. He’s one of those contributors that a real humor blog needs to keep things short, sweet and amusing. It’s been a very long couple of months, and so Brian was sending less and less cute and funny stuff. But alas! He’s back! And this week he sent me three wonderfully fun images to share with you.

creepy koala on a car

The koala looks so creepy!!

Dolphins colliding

These poor dolphins made one misswim…and BAM! Collision

sloth in space suit

One small step for sloth. One giant step for slothkind.

Have a great Saturday everyone!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: More of Ebeneezer the Sloth, Dolphin Preachers, & Bunnicula (Oh and by the Way, it’s Cold as Fuck)

I’ve spent a lot of time writing posts to ensure that next week is covered, but I forgot to prepare for today!

Luckily, Brian has been extra awesome thanks to the wonderful compliments that he’s been receiving for his part in the Brian Shares Segment of my little blog.

Here are just a few of the things that he has sent me this week…

Ebeneezer, Our Future Sloth

For those of you who are new here, Brian and I had been discussing the possibility of a pet, when we realized that what we really wanted was a baby sloth. So from time to time, he sends me videos, pictures, and gifs of sloths to share with you. which is probably why sloth searches are the number 1 Google search that leads people here. Crazy sloth lovers.

Sloth in a hammock gif

 

What’s really funny about this, though, is that in order to ensure that I receive said pictures and videos, Brian often will send them to me via text, e-mail, and G-chat.

Dolphin Preachers

I realize that the term “Dolphin preacher” is ridiculous in its own right. But shit. Once you see this picture, I hope you laugh your ass off as much as I did. I was at Mom’s when I read it, and she told me I was going to hell. C’est la vie?

Dolphins Neptune God of the Sea Preachers

I think that I was a dolphin in another life, so I feel like I have a special bond with the sea faring mammals. In fact, I’ll be seeing my best friends soon enough (Read: THIS WEEK).

Bubble Sports

Brian sent this gif to me with the title: THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN! To me I thought: This looks like life! I NEED one of these. Desperately. Then I can happily make it through life without, you know, falling down.

Bubble Ball Sports

Cool right?

Bunnicula

Please. Please PLEASE tell me you know what I’m talking about. Because Brian didn’t. First, he sent me this adorable gif of bunnies.

Bunnicula

And I responded with OMG yes! We need one! Please?!?! We could name him Bunnicula. And love him. And squeeze him. And feed him tomatoes!

And Brian responded… “Why Bunnicula?”

UGH! Only the greatest Bunny on the planet! Bunnicula, resident rabbit of the Howliday Inn. Obviously.

Cold as Fuck

It’s about to get cold here in the Chicagoland area… and just in case you are not as lucky as me to be escaping the brief cold weather of your home city, you should go pick up a pair of these sweet ass gloves. In fact, pick me up a pair while you’re at it. I’m going to be back in the Chi soon enough.

Cold as Fuck Gloves

Scrabble Genius Bonus

Brian found this quick blurb about Scrabble and I figured that it was important to share it with you. Should the letter values in Scrabble change? I think not. But that is because I am an evil Scrabble genius, according to Katie.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Brian Shares Saturday: Our future pet sloth, firetrucks, turducken on crack, and donkey cheese

If you remember from a few weeks ago, Brian has a strange obsession with getting a weird pet.

So Brian sent me the same picture 3 times. First he sent it to me a week ago with a, “photo for blog” message. Then, he sent it to me again a few days later, and asked, “Did I show this to you?”

He had, but I had been completely oblivious and forgot it even existed when I posted last Saturday’s blog post. I honestly didn’t even remember that he had sent it to me the first time, until I searched my gmail history. OK, to be perfectly honest, I probably hadn’t even clicked the link the first time he sent it.

sloth sitting in a school desk

To which I immediately responded, “OMG Can we get a sloth!?!”

Then Brian told me, “It seems so happy!” and I was so excited I thought I might pee, I could only say, “I know!” So Brian sent me these videos:

Then he told me, “If you see one of these around today, go ahead and grab it!”

So I immediately went hunting for a sloth. I searched outside of our apartment. I searched near the mall. I searched at the furniture store. I searched at my favorite sushi restaurant, and my future little guy (I’m debating whether to call him, Pip, Sherlock, or Ebenezer. What do you think?) was nowhere to be found. I was pretty sad.

A few days later, just when I had forgotten all about Sherlock Pip Ebenezer, Brian sent me the picture again! And I had been having a bad day, and all was better again…because I remembered my future pet sloth.

Then Brian sent this out in a mass e-mail to his firefighting friend. There are no words.

“Can your firetruck do that?” he asked… He never did get a response.

Brian and I have been talking about trying a turducken. After I looked up how long it takes to make a turducken…I figured, maybe next year.

Then Brian decided that he had a better idea, and sent me a link to this article about a turducken ridiculous. He asked, “Can we?” I thought to myself, Well, when by we, you meant me…and only me…except for the eating part, because you’re very good at the eating part. And sometimes the cleaning part…and with a monstrosity like that…I definitely going to need help with the cleaning part… My response? “no.” He said to me, “I’ll take that as a maybe.” I ignored him and went on with my day.

Lastly, Brian sent me a really poorly written article about cheese…to which he said, Clearly meant for you. I didn’t even read it; just the headline, “World’s Most Expensive Cheese.” It’s a good thing he backed his story by saying that before I read the article…

So I did go ahead and do a little work in finding a video about it for you. Donkey Cheese: $576/lb.

If you love the Chrissy and Brian of it all, and love Christmas to boot, don’t forget that you can get your very own Christmas card from us!

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Wedding bloopers: The funniest pics from our wedding day

Three years ago today, my house was filling up with my bridal party and family. We were doing all the things you do before your wedding, like slamming bagels and shmear, drinking champagne, and hurriedly trying to get last-minute details nailed down as Brian snuck out to escape the insanity.

Three years ago, I married the best partner in the history of ever in a cheese-themed wedding with a ginormous bridal party and an epic dance-a-thon.

And now, three years later, I feel it’s only right and fair to share the best photos from the entire shindig. The funniest photos from our wedding. The wedding bloopers. Clearly, my favorite photos.

Getting ready

hilarious professional wedding photos
Mama Bear wanted me to make a pretty face, but I just wanted to make her laugh. Mission unsuccessful. I’ll try again later.
hilarious professional wedding photos  mom and daughter
Nope, she still wanted to kill me.
funny professional wedding photos Chrissy and her mom making faces at each other
I love you, Mama!
hilarious professional wedding photos  - sloth pajamas
I think I should bring these sloth jams, just in case I need a change of clothes. What do you think?
hilarious professional wedding photos  best friends flipping each other off
Classic Katie and Chrissy

Formal wedding portraits

hilarious professional wedding photos  you're a tiger.
Photographer: You’re a tiger!
Brian: Obviously. Brian’s brother: No.


hilarious professional wedding photos  jump in my arms
Quick! Jump in my arms, despite the fact that I am still getting over a back injury.
hilarious professional wedding photos  dresses stuck together
Uhhh, Chrissy, I’m stuck!
hilarious professional wedding photos  dresses stuck together
I don’t think I can get it. We need help.
hilarious professional wedding photos  dresses stuck together
Brooke legit saved the day.

The ceremony

I literally laughed throughout the entire thing. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done.

hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing throughout the ceremony
This might be where Q, our officiant made a joke about Christmas trees.
hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing throughout the ceremony
Or maybe it was here…
hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing throughout the ceremony
This was definitely after I skipped past half the vows and just shouted: “I do!”

The dinosaur

No captions necessary.

hilarious professional wedding photos  at a playground
hilarious professional wedding photos  at a playground
hilarious professional wedding photos  at a playground
hilarious professional wedding photos  at a playground
hilarious professional wedding photos  at a playground

Cocktail hour

hilarious professional wedding photos  glaring at an appetizer instead of smiling
This may be my favorite photo from the whole wedding. Me, staring longingly at my bacon-wrapped date while hugging Brian’s cousin.
hilarious professional wedding photos  parents caught off guard
My parents are legit the cutest.

Cutting the cheese

hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing while cutting the cheese wedding cake made of cheese wheels
The rind was SO HARD to cut into, I laughed the whole time
hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing while cutting the cheese wedding cake made of cheese wheels
No, I’m not choking. And the cheese was delicious. I was probably still laughing.
hilarious professional wedding photos  laughing while cutting the cheese wedding cake made of cheese wheels
Everyone is watching me eat cheese. This is amazing.

Time after time

Katie and I have danced the Romy and Michelle dance at every wedding we’ve ever been to together. So I made it an official bridal party dance. It started with Katie, TBCIII and me, and then everyone else joined in. And it was epic.

hilarious professional wedding photos: Dancing to Time After Time from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
hilarious professional wedding photos: Dancing to Time After Time from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
hilarious professional wedding photos: Dancing to Time After Time from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
hilarious professional wedding photos: Dancing to Time After Time from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion

Dance party

hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
Go away, new husband. Gotta dance with my APO brother and mentor.
hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
There are at least 7 photos of me hiking my dress above my knees because my dress was too long.
hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
Bat dress
hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
Probably Livin on a Prayer. Probably.
hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
Definitely Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
hilarious professional wedding photos: Candid dancing photos
And scene.

Our wedding was a blur, but this life we’ve made together hasn’t been. I will continue to soak in all the beauty, magic, and joy that Brian brings to my world and celebrate every day like it’s our anniversary.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

20 Last-minute gifts for your quirky wife

Yep, I see you. Waiting until the last minute to buy those Christmas gifts for your wife. I see you, because I live with you…HUSBAND. Brian is infamous for waiting until the eleventh hour to buy Christmas gifts (even though he is RIDICULOUS with ordering birthday gifts so early that I have to restrain myself from investigating and playing 20 questions).

That being said, here are some gifts that should (hopefully) arrive in time for Christmas. And make sure you fill a stocking for her. She’s already got one for you, so you should probably return the favor. (And if you’re the wife in this relationship, add these puppies to your wish list so he knows what to get you!) Full disclosure: product links may be affiliate links, which means that at no additional cost to you, I may earn a few pennies from any purchase you make. All of the products mentioned either live in my home already or are on my current wishlist.

Last-minute gift guide for your quirky wife

Order online — pick up in store

My new favorite thing to do? Buy something online and then go pick it up in the store. I know it’s in stock (instead of racing to three different Targets looking for something and not succeeding) and will be in my greedy little hands immediately. Bed, Bath and Beyond, Target, and Barnes & Noble are on my list of favorite places to do so.

Cozy essentials

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ cozy essentials (1)

I know I need some downtime with the mass amount of energy I exude, and these are a few gifts that can help your favorite lady chill the fuck out. There’s something warm and cool (I know. At the same time) about a salt lamp. We have one in our front room, and it’s a favorite piece of decor to be sure. These elf slippers are perfect for the holidays…and pretending you live in the North Pole with Santa Claus year round.

And the most important accessory for any cozy evening: BOOKS. Now, I’ve had a Nook (GlowLight) and I currently have a Kindle (Paperwhite). And I miss my Nook like you wouldn’t believe. Sure I can get books on Amazon now. But I miss the design and style of the Nook. It was at least a pound lighter, which makes a big difference when your e-reader has a tendency to fall on your face with more frequency than you’d like…But you know…both e-readers do the job. So order one or get some books to add to the one she already has.

Order online — fast delivery

Prime shipping. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure. But Prime one day? If you spend $35 or more, you can get your gift TOMORROW. You can even have that shit wrapped up. And who doesn’t love those pretty (and reusable) Amazon bags?

Quirky style

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ style essentials

Y’all may know I’m something of a self-proclaimed style maven. And let me tell you, there’s so much more to style than traditional wardrobe essentials. It’s the add-ons that really make you stand out. The year Brian got me a light-up skirt for Christmas was seriously hard to top. Here are a few Chrissy-approved ideas for your wishlist or gift list.

I love holiday sweaters, especially this slothy sweater I wear every year. I also highly recommend a pair of butterfly wings, because you never know when they’re going to become useful. Nerd con events? Renaissance faires? Vacations? Costume parties? Wings are a staple, people.  And of course, what’s a mermaid without her tail? This mermaid skirt is the best!

Kwirky party game

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ party games

What better to give to a quirky lady than a party game with her name on it! With this Goliath Games gem, Kwirky, the possibilities (and laughs!) are endless. It’s a fast-paced quiz game where the answers don’t matter nearly as much as your conviction! It’s fabulous for improv lovers and anyone who enjoys friendly banter!

Adult coloring books

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ coloring books

Listen, people. We love us some coloring books. You Are Here, from Jenny Lawson, is especially magical. Not only does it have incredible art to color, but it also has blurbs and affirmations from The Bloggess, queen of the quirky wives. This is a great gift for anyone who suffers from anxiety, depression, or even just boredom. It’s full of positive vibes and magic. I love my copy, and I’ve given it as a gift a number of times. It never fails me. Other coloring books I recommend? Calm the Fuck Down and Sloth are two that really get me.

Colored pencils

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ colored pencils

While you’re getting her some coloring books, make sure she’s got a good set of colored pencils. Personally, I prefer Faber Castell to Prismacolor, but to each their own. I have friends who swear by the Prismacolor though I think the tips break too easily. For the less expensive route, you can always go with the trusty Crayola pencils (in a fancy new box for “grown ups”).

Quirky stocking stuffers under $10

Last-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ stocking stuffers under $10

I love stockings. I love little things. I used to make my brother play a game I called little things. The art of filling a stocking with as much little stuff as possible makes my heart happy in a really weird way. But these gift ideas also make my heart happy. I own two of the three, and I want the third. Can you guess which is which?

Aqua notes are incredible for writing in the shower, by the pool, or wherever. You can leave love notes for your best friend who stays at your house with some frequency or you can jot down ideas for your next Instagram post. I am obsessed. Taco Socks? Yes please. Also bring me tacos. Always. Octopod wine stopper? Cork your wine with pizazz, kids!

Email delivery

Happy gift cardsLast-minutes gifts for quirky wife_ gift cards

Okay, let’s be honest here. The easiest gift you can get her is a gift card. And she’s probably okay with picking out her own goodies…assuming you know the right store to include in the gift card. These Happy cards, though…they bring something even better to the table. OPTIONS.

The Happy Lady gift card can be redeemed at:

  • The Cheesecake Factory
  • Saks Fifth Avenue Off 5th
  • Panera Bread
  • Sephora
  • Spafinder
  • Bed Bath & Beyond
  • Lord & Taylor

And if she’s more of a foodie, consider the Happy Dining gift card which she can use at:

  • The Cheesecake Factory
  • McCormick & Schmick’s
  • Red Lobster
  • Bravo
  • Texas de Brazil
  • Brio

Personally, I would be ecstatic with the Happy Teen gift card, which includes (books books books!):

  • Regal Cinemas
  • Sephora
  • Dave & Buster’s
  • Nike
  • Barnes & Noble
  • Jamba Juice
  • American Eagle

Need more gift ideas for everyone else on your list? Consider some of these other guides I’ve created:

Adult Holiday Gift GuideGifts for everyone on your list a holiday gift guideChrissy's quirky wish list gift guideUncommon Goods Gift GuideUnique holiday gift guide for kids, pets, and grown ups

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Unique holiday gift guide to impress everyone

“Auntie Chrissy gives the best presents,” my godson tells his little sister and brother. I love giving presents to my family. I adore spending the time to find something each one will appreciate (that they don’t already have) and then taking it home to wrap it in some crazy mess I call a gift-wrapping space. Wrapping presents is part of the joy in providing a gift they’ll love. Sometimes, I’m sneaky (because I was a gift opener as a teen). And sometimes, I just really enjoy making a pretty package to store under my tree. But I always try to fill the package with something that brings the receiver joy.

I don’t know about you, but I get tired of seeing the same things on gift guides year after year. So I’ve come up with some more creative gifts for you to wrap up for your loved ones if the classics just aren’t going to cut it. And this year, because it’s my first with puppysaurus rex, I’ve included gifts for your furbaby. Because I’m definitely getting Lady Nymeria all sorts of gifts! Some, if not all, links are affiliate links, and any purchases you make may earn me a small commission (and costs you absolutely nothing).

2018 Gift Guide - Unique gifts to impress everyone

For the kiddos

Highlights™ for Children magazine subscription 

gifts for tiny humans, magazine subscription: Highlights, High Five, and Hello $30

When I was a kid, there were few things more exciting than getting mail. Okay, fine. Even now, there are few things more exciting than getting mail that isn’t a bill. But I LOVED when the Highlights™ mag hit the mailbox. I would read the entire thing from front to back, play all of the games, solve all of the puzzles, and then wait patiently for the next issue. It was magic. Gifting a subscription to the kids in your life is simple and sure to bring 12 glorious months of joy to any kid. Highlights™ is perfect for kids 6-12, and if you have a younger tiny human to surprise, they also have High Five™ (ages 2-6) and the tear-resistant Hello (ages 0-2) magazines available.

Puzzlemania® book club subscription

gifts for tiny humans, puzzle books - Puzzlemania $14

I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I’m kind of into puzzles. And I can say with perfect clarity that it probably started with Puzzlemania®. I loved solving logic puzzles, answering riddles, finding hidden pictures, catching the mistakes. You name it, I loved it. I also know that I have an 8-year-old niece who seems to think a lot like me – loves reading and writing and creating. I’m pretty sure a subscription to Puzzlemania®, with two full-color puzzle books a month, would totally be a hit with her. Want a mathier version? Consider a Mathmania™ subscription instead.

Let’s Grow™ Play & Learn Boxes

Gifts for tiny humans Let's Grow Play and learn Box $25

A good subscription box is a good subscription box. And this one, for the tiniest of humans (ages 0-2), comes with two books, a fun toy, and activities that parents (or Auntie Chrissys) can do with their toddlers and babies. Right now, you even get a free fancy tote bag with your first month’s subscription. I’m definitely signing the baby up for this one!

For the grown ups

MacGyver: The Escape Room Game

Gifts for "grown ups" MacGyver The Escape Room Game $30

This game from Pressman Toy is only available at Target and offers a fun MacGyver theme with a room escape in a box. You get five one-time, one-hour missions that will test your thinking and puzzle-solving abilities. This is the perfect gift for any gamer or puzzle solver in your life. I love Pressman and their family of brands. They have some really fantastic games for kids and “grown ups” of all ages, which you’ll see next week with my board game gift guide.

Sloth neck pillow

Gifts for "grown ups" sloth neck pillow - $38

Traveling in style is something I pride myself in. With this sweet hoodie and neck pillow, anyone can be the coolest kid on the plane, train, or automobile. Not going to lie, guys, this one is at the top of my own wish list (cough Brian cough). So if you’re looking for something silly for your favorite kid at heart, I recommend this slothy magic.

Mermaid-tail blanket

Gifts for _grown ups_ mermaid tail blanket $18Who doesn’t love cozying up on the couch with a blanket and hot chocolate in the winter? Add a little whimsy to someone’s snuggle with this sweet mermaid-tail blanket. Anyone who loves magic and mermaids will totally appreciate this fun gift of comfort. Plus this one comes with a bonus mermaid necklace (which you can gift to the same person or someone else. I’m not judging. I’d do it!).

Sixteenth-century Italian globe bar

Gifts for grown ups sixteenth-century Italian old world globe bar $150

As the priciest gift on this list, I know what you’re thinking. Chrissy, this isn’t Goop. What the Gwyneth Paltrow are you thinking? $150 is a lot of cash. But GUYS. This is a full-size bar cart. On wheels. In a globe! And also, I own one of them and think everyone should have one. It was probably one of Brian and my favorite gifts from our wedding showers. We put it on the registry for fun, because it was so freakin’ cool, and luckily we have some family that thought, “let’s get them the craziest thing on their registry!” And so I present to you the best gift for someone you’re willing to spend a few extra bucks on. Even if that someone is you. You’re welcome.

For the pupper

Outward Hound puzzle brick toygifts for furbabies: puzzle toys $20

Like dog mom like dogter. My little pup loves puzzles, especially puzzles with a food prize. This Outward Hound (one of our favorite brands) toy is the perfect thing to add to her puzzle collection (and keep that crazy pup just a smidgen occupied when someone is trying to get some work done around here!).

Bark Felt Toy Bin

gifts for furbabies: toy storage $30

The thing about gifts for puppies is that they are also gifts for dog moms. And this toy basket seems like the perfect thing to store Nia’s ever-growing selection of toys so that they aren’t always scattered all around the house (and trying to kill me—one of these days, I’m going to twist my ankle/knee/hip/back by tripping on one of her toys in the middle of the kitchen!).

Twistleton Twerp chew toy

Gifts for furbabies Twistleton Twerp $10My dog LOVES toys with rope. She also loves plushies. And chew toys with ribs and bumps and grooves. She just loves toys. It’s actually pretty rare that she destroys a plushy, but we’re finding that because of the sharpness of her teeth (a result of the distemper that stunted the growth of enamel on them), she does eventually puncture her beloved toys. So this guy has a little bit of everything, and I know that I’ll be waiting patiently to see her get into this guy because there’s a fun toy surprise inside the toy!

So there you have it, gang. My 2018 gift guide for everyone! Which of these gifts would you give to someone? Which of them are you adding to your wishlist? Let me know in the comments below!

And if that wasn’t enough gifting for ya, consider some of these other guides I’ve created over the years:

Adult Holiday Gift GuideGifts for everyone on your list a holiday gift guideChrissy's quirky wish list gift guideUncommon Goods Gift Guide

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Monkeying Around

Well hey there, blog friends! Long time no see. I took a bit of a breather for the holidays, started making some plans, and started implementing some plans. And now I’m back. With something a little different.

I’ve been wanting to dabble in video for a while now. I’ve got this weirdly popular video on YouTube about finding sand dollars on the beach in March Island, but other than that I’ve just uploaded silly stuff, like the time I met Steve the Sloth and gave him three pets instead of two or when we went to the New Orleans bug museum and saw two turtles gettin’ it on.

The point is that I want to dabble in something a little more specific. A little more me, even. So I figured I’d pull an idea my bestie Cletus came up with back in our college days. He called it 60 Seconds of Chrissy. And I shall too.

60 Seconds of Chrissy will be a little snippet of my adventures clipped to a mere 60 seconds. Brevity is not my strong suit, so this will be a learning experience for everyone. But I’ll also come back here to the blog and give you a little more story behind the video if there is one.

For the first video, I’ve gone ahead and put together a little montage of that one time we went to a high ropes course with ziplining, right here in the western suburbs of Chicago called GoApe. They have a number of courses around the country, so there may even be one in your backyard too.

I was excited and nervous, and we spent a glorious 4+ hours sweating our brains out and adventuring high in the trees. Most of the adventure was pretty run of the mill, and I surprised myself by walking some of the course without holding on to the ropes. In many cases, you had the option of taking the “hard” path or the “easy” path, and 90% of the time, I took the easy path.

The one exception was the Tarzan swing near the end of the course, which you’ll see in the video below. What you won’t see in the video is the number of times I counted out 3-2-1 go…and didn’t go. Or the aftermath.

Well, here’s the video first. Then we can talk about the aftermath.

 

“Fuck me.”

Yep. That’s exactly how I felt. Because as it turns out, I had gone and fucked myself. With my lack of upper body strength (y’all I have leg strength like nobody’s business, but my arms and core need some serious help), I was unable to attach myself to that spiderweb of rope to climb up to the tower where Brian was standing. To add insult to injury, the harness I was wearing was uncomfortably digging into my body, so I was also in pain.

And that’s when the screaming began.

30 feet above the ground, hanging from some cables, and sitting in a harness, I had a panic attack. I felt like I was stranded and there was no way out. I needed help, but I didn’t know if help would ever come. I was helpless and afraid and screaming to get me out of there. What felt like an eternity later, a woman showed up to assist me. Apparently, I wasn’t the first to get myself stuck on the Tarzan swing. The woman hooked up a third harness dealie, and pulleyed it up to me. I connected to it, and she was able to help move me over to the tower and up just enough that I could crawl onto the platform.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, and feeling pretty low. Would I even finish the course?

And then I remembered that I’m resilient as fuck, and I finished the last two paths across the trees and the final zip line. And that zip line reminded me that I could jump again, even when the last jump failed me. And after watching that 60-second video? I feel like a bad ass mother who won’t take no crap off of nobody.

So, YouTube is doing this thing where small content creators aren’t going to be able to make money off their piddly little videos anymore unless they have over 1,000 followers of their channel. Would you do me a solid and subscribe?

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Alternatives to making your name plural on a holiday card

Last night, I came across my favorite annual article, just in time for Thanksgiving. You know the article. The one that yells at you to stop adding a fucking apostrophe to your name when you send your Christmas card.

Well, that article is, as it always is, spot on. But it’s not just YOUR name you have to worry about. How are you addressing your recipients’ names on the envelope?

As someone who sent eleventy billion wedding invitations and thank-you cards last year and sends dozens of Christmas cards every year addressed to families and couples galore, I have developed a number of potential solutions for you. You never have to worry about a last name seeming off when it’s pluralized again.

Santa holding an envelope that says alternatives for addressing your Christmas cards

Instead of addressing your adorable photo Christmas card to The Wojs (which is the correct way to address a card to my family), try one of these simple variations.

 

Address Christmas cards using both or all the names

Look, you can try to be fancy and fail miserably with your misguided apostrophe (stop calling us the Woj’s!)…OR you can be super cool and use both of our names. Just because we got married doesn’t mean we’re no longer individuals. If you want to get really fancy with it, you can use our full names. Brian’s name is still Brian. But I suppose you can call me Chrysanthemum if you really feel as if full names are important. If we had kids or dogs, you could add their names too. Sure it would take up a lot of space, but isn’t my pet Ebenezer the Sloth worth it to you?

Postcard addressed to Brian and Chrissy Woj

Address the holiday card card to the whole family

Instead of worrying about accidentally shoving an apostrophe in the last name — because OMG you can’t possibly just put an S after a J — just address the card to a single family unit, like The Woj Family. Sure Brian and I are just two people, but we ARE a family unit. We live in the same house. We argue about toothpaste squeezing procedures. The best part is that it doesn’t matter if there’s two of us or twelve of us. It’s the same three words across the board.

Postcard addressed to The Woj Family instead of attempting a plural with an apostrophe

Address cards to the person you like better

I mean…maybe it’s the person you know better. Or you don’t know their family at all. You might just address the Christmas card to me and say, “Screw Brian. He has his own people.” Or, if you’re feeling extra generous and want Brian to feel the love, you can add him as an afterthought by addressing your card to Chrissy Woj and family. Either way, we’ll know who you really meant to send the card to.

Postcard addressed to Chrissy Woj and family

A superfluous use of apostrophes on the left? Probably. But are they grammatically correct? God, I hope so.

There you have it, folks! Easy alternatives to addressing your Christmas cards to the correct person. If you’d like to receive a Christmas card from Brian and me this year, fill out this Google form with your address and you’ll likely get something in the mail by December 24. I’m nothing if not a procrastinator.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

The surprising discoveries of marriage

Calling all of my massage therapists in a tizzy on Sunday morning, I had hoped to schedule a same-day appointment. To my dismay, none were available. So I did the next best thing. I scheduled an appointment for Monday morning.

Brian overheard my call, and yelled up to me, “Wait. What time did you schedule it for?”

“9 am. You’ll be sleeping.”

“Well, there’s the brunch thing for my aunt.”

I vaguely remember him mentioning this and not having any other details. “What time?”

“11.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere out by them.”

His uncertainty irritated me, and I immediately wished he was better about remembering details. I mentally calculated the time it would take to get approximately to his cousins’ and assumed I was fine with my appointment.

Over the course of Sunday, I asked my husband for details on the brunch at least 5 times. And each time, he brushed it off with ‘yeahs’ and ‘probablys’ and ‘oh, I have to text my cousins.’

I suggested he set an alarm as I wouldn’t be there to ensure he was awake and told him that I’d get home so we could leave straight away.

On Monday morning, I woke him and asked again, “Where are we going?”

And he still didn’t have an answer. Half-asleep, he told me, I’ll find out. Just go. I didn’t have a lot of stock in this brunch thing, so I put on my favorite pair of tie-dye yoga pants and left the house.

After my massage, I assumed I’d have a few minutes to stop in the store next to Massage Envy for a quick peek. I figured it would take about a half hour to get to brunch, and I definitely thought Brian would still be slowly waking up.
As I got into the car, Brian texted me, “How’s it going?”

I told him I was on my way, and then, thinking about my outfit choice, decided to call him. “Where are we going, babe?”

His own mental calculations had done their due diligence and he realized I was probably hungry…and looking forward to brunch, as it’s one of my favorite meals.

“We’re going to Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum to see a man about a sloth.”

Wait, what?

“For brunch?”

“No, there’s no brunch.”

“Will there be food?”

Well, guys, I’ve learned something about myself, and it’s that food is always a priority. Hunger set in immediately. Then panic. Then joy.

My peddle to the metal, I jetted home while talking Brian through some sort of rapid food prep.”Toast the bagel on the counter! Quick! Okay fine, I’ll just eat my leftover sammy from Panera. Gah! I’m not dressed for a sloth!”

My heart was racing a mile a minute, and I thought I might have a full-blown meltdown as I ran into the house, climbed the stairs and hunted for my slothwear. It’s kind of amazing and crazy how excitement, anxiety, and fear all kind of have the same feelings inside you. I didn’t know whether to run, scream, or cry. I thanked God I had recently cleaned because I knew the sloth shirt was hanging in the closet and my sloth socks were paired in my sock drawer. I painted on a little lipstick and eyeliner, brushed and dry-shampooed my hair, and ran back downstairs. I was panicked and pumped and nervous and thrilled and couldn’t even believe I WAS GOING TO MEET A SLOTH!!

Brian noted my anxiety (and extreme lateness, because I’m a gigantic dickhead) and felt terrible. “I should have known better than to try to surprise you. I realized too late you were probably planning your food schedule around brunch. And you get a lot of joy around anticipation. You would have been flying high all weekend on this.”

I probably would have, but you guys…Brian was taking his day off work to DRIVE into the city and take me to see the sloth, even though we all know he would have much preferred to be at home sleeping and vegging out.

While we drove, I googled the sloth, and found out that it was a show with several animals, and that I would be able to pet Steve. I also found out that for about $275, Steve could come to my birthday party for an hour…

Brian’s cousin texted and said the sloth was last, so unless we were an hour late, we wouldn’t miss him.

We missed the flying fox, hedgehog, and fruit bat, but we got to meet a chinchilla, armadillo, kinkajou, and bat-eared fox before the main event.


There he was. In all his Steve glory. I loved him as soon as I saw him. He clung to the chair and languidly moved, enjoying the tasty sweet potatoes from his trainer. As he appeared a mere fifteen feet in front of me, looking so adorable, tears started splashing down my cheek. It was really real. He was there. And I would get to pet him.

I got in line between several toddlers who had no idea how lucky they were.


The woman in charge said we (all the toddlers and I) could give Steve two pets. But I gave him three, and I made them last. Slow and gentle, just like Steve. You can see where my eyes say, “I’m going for the third pet” in the video Brian was kind enough to capture for me.


We stayed until Steve left, watching him, soaking in all the amazingness of Steve and his slothy goodness. Afterward, Brian and I walked around Lincoln Park Zoo and saw ANOTHER sloth! It was pretty much the best day ever. And Brian has since learned that surprises are not my forte.

Quirky Chrissy petting the adorable Steve the Sloth.

My red face? That’s because of the crying.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!