Archives for August 2016

Erratic Ramblings from More Strangers on the Train

It all started on the train with the two women sitting behind me, talking about their kids in baseball. The struggle was real. I was only half paying attention until one of them, let’s call her Lefty, said, “Oh jeepers.”

snort

I knew it was time to pull out my phone and document snippets of this conversation,because I know y’all love it when I eavesdrop.

Then Righty says, “Then, I watched The Nerds. You know, After the Thrones. They’re all SO nerdy! They think they’re so cool. But they’re such nerds.”

I don’t think Baseball Mom got the memo, that it’s hip to be a square these days…Even my mom (who was a cool girl) thinks the Big Bang gang is cool.

Lefty jumps back in with, “Did I ever tell you what Brett’s final grade was? He got an A. And she still wanted him to take it again. He told me, ‘She still says I don’t know the concepts.'”

Coming from a recovering teacher, I can attest to how hard it is not to pass students with Cs and Ds, but if they don’t understand the concepts, how the hell do they get As?

Righty, apparently checking her phone, “My email is full. It says delete some files and try again.  What Files!?”

Lefty was only half listening, because then she chimed in with, “I had 1,099 texts. From you from two years!”

A few minutes later, Righty was back on Game of Thrones, “I hope Danerys and whatsher face hook up. Yara? Maybe he’ll become an unsullied. What’s his face? He’s halfway there. Poor thing. He did betray his fam – his…Starks. When is Danerys going to find out all this stuff?”

Then they rambled some more about baseball and kids…

Righty was all, “What’s an Ethel Merman?”

And Lefty replied, “It’s German.”

Righty responded with “I have such a hard time visualizing things…”

snort

I couldn’t help it.

Then Righty starts singing, “Do you, do you want my love?” Followed by a whistle.

Lefty said something quiet enough for me to miss, and Righty quipped back, “It’s cuz I’m fancy. Fancy Nancy.”

I wish I was making all if this up. But it’s 100% real life.

Then Lefty says something like, “I’m sorry that you almost died but…I’m really glad I swim. It helps me!”

Righty dramatically reiterates, “I would have died.  I would literally have died.”

Ummm…okay, Righty. Glad you didn’t die or anything.

Conversations overheard on the train...and the Snapchats that shame them.

Conversations overheard on the train…and the Snapchats that shame them.

I  tried to turn them off, but then Righty said, “I’m like your lady’s maid.”

Lefty, realizing this was a brillz idea, responded, “I need a lady’s maid!”

“Doesn’t everybody.”

Well, actually…maybe?

And then they started talking about their appearances.

Lefty was all, “You don’t have football shoulders.”

Righty knows a good life when she sees it…”Thank GOD I don’t have football shoulders.”

“I do and it sucks.”

Poor Lefty with her football shoulders.

And then Righty starts singing again, “Do you do you want my love?”

And scene.

You know, commuting on the train is almost as entertaining as watching one of my favorite binge watches on Netflix. Everyone is a character in this world. Everyone. I get a glimpse into their lives, just like the tiny Carrie Bradshaw I’m currently obsessing over in The Carrie Diaries. Or the crazy awesome kids in the weird AF town on Stranger Things. Or my favorite office culture on 30 Rock.

What characters do you love to watch?

Netflix Stream Team

This post was brought to you by my friends at Netflix, who provided me, as a member of the Stream Team, with a year of Netflix, a device on which to watch it, and this month, a freaking awesome harmonica to play with. All opinions and words are mine.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

If Shingles Didn’t Kill Me, Wedding Planning Might…

One month from today, I’ll be waking up next to Brian (um, yes. He’s not allowed to abandon me the night before our wedding, despite the fact that the world thinks he shouldn’t see me before our wedding. And despite the fact that he’s probably going to wake up to a house full of crazy if my family has anything to say about it…) and starting the most magical day of my life to date. You know how my Clark Griswold expectations have already built this up in my mind. Don’t try to fix it.  

But the last nine months have not been without fault. I’ve made LOTS of mistakes in this whole wedding planning process. Even while utilizing the best wedding advice ever, I still managed to stress out internally to the point where it came out in the form of motherfucking shingles. And remember how that advice said not to stress about the details? I just put them off until…well…now…or two weeks from now. Whatever.

Quirky Chrissy Wedding shower

So I’ve made some errors…while drinking a lot of champagne. And enjoying every minute of being engaged (except for the moments people encourage me to use the word, “fiance,” because I really think it’s a douchey word). I thought I’d tell you things you should probably not do (and I’m sure over the next 31 days, there will be a laundry list of more things I’ll do wrong. But you know what? At the end of the day, Brian is marrying Chrissy. And then we’re going to Europe (and don’t try to rob my house, robbers. My brother is moving in for the time we’re gone. And he’s big and scary and mean).

Don’t do what I did

  • I ordered enough invitations to hand one to every. single. man. woman. and child (yes, even the toddlers standing up in my wedding). NO ONE TELLS YOU THAT YOU ONLY NEED INVITATIONS ON A PER HOUSEHOLD BASIS! So I’m telling you. We ordered our invitations from Vistaprint using Ebates for a sweet bonus, but I ordered way too many of them. Luckily, I was able to change my order when I realized my mistake, but they could only give me a big fat credit on VistaPrint to make up for it. So, I’ve pretty much got business cards for life or I might order some cool rando swag. We’ll see.
  • I forgot to stamp envelopes. On both thank you notes from my showers and actual wedding invitations, several came back to us because I didn’t triple check for stamps on everything. Sometimes, the post office is nice to me. Sometimes, it’s not.
  • Speaking of invitations, I also sent several invitations to the wrong or old addresses. Also resulting in envelopes being returned to us.
  • I’m also pretty sure we forgot to send invitations to some people full stop. This was a very hectic time in our lives, and I don’t know how people do this and dear god why didn’t I hire someone to manage the details?!
  • I waited until the last minute to book our hotel rooms. I know that had I booked two months ago, when I booked our flights, I probably could have saved a shit ton more money. But I did work pretty hard to get the best prices I could for the nicest hotels in our price range on TripAdvisor. I’m very happy with our choices. For now. I’ll let you know in October how that worked out for us.
  • I still haven’t picked out music. Like…none of it. Ceremony music. First dance song. The only thing I know for certain is that my dad and I will dance to “Daddy’s Little Girl” because the man has had that planned since before my actual birth. And now it’s like fuuuuuck. I can’t believe I put this off and now I have to make decisions. I hate making decisions. WHY DIDN’T I HIRE SOMEONE TO MAKE DECISIONS?

6 wedding planning mistakes to avoid because no one tells you this stuff.

Well, I know there are more mistakes to be made, so I’m just going to get to making them, and I can’t wait to tell you all about everything! And if you’re getting married…hire someone to manage the details.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!