Sometimes I Think About Lighting my Hair on Fire

I picture a lot of crazy thoughts during the course of my day. These thought cause some serious anxiety. But I figure,  maybe if I put them out into the world, they definitely won’t come true.

I’d like to point out, though, that this isn’t my hypochondria thinking. Instead, it’s the S part of my Myer’s-Briggs results. The part that pictures every possible outcome of a day’s events or even just a fleeting moment.

image

So yes, sometimes I do picture lighting my hair on fire. Not like…on purpose or anything. Just in a freak accident involving cooking, candles, bonfires, or lighters. No big deal.

I’ve also imagined a hundred ways I’ll die in a possibly firey car crash. Usually it’s when I’m driving, but sometimes when Brian is driving and I’m eating snacks. I’ve envisioned cars slamming into my car from the front, back, and sides. Falling into a body of water off a bridge (this is why my car has a life hammer).

Some mornings, I see myself tripping and falling onto the train tracks. I try to stand far enough away that the worst injury to ever come from the train platform is a drunken sprained ankle (remind me to tell you THAT story).

When I shower, I just know I’m going to slip and fall one of these days. I’m actually surprised it hasn’t happened yet. I always think about what would happen afterwards. And then I think to myself, maybe I should only shower when Brian’s home. Which, honestly, isn’t a big deal because Brian’s home like 95% of the time I’m home. And I’m sure the loud thud of my body going down in the tub wouldn’t be mistaken as anything normal.

Now that I think about it, guys…maybe those thoughts are kind of morbid. Maybe I should tell you about other disasters I think about. Like the chance of my phone flying into the toilet after…well…pooping. I’m terrified of losing my Internet limb down there and never wanting it back. Years ago, when flip phones were a thing, I dropped a couple in the bathroom, but the toilets were clean.

Or the flooding basement.  I mean, my car has already been flooded. Our basement has kind of flooded. But I picture a giant pool of water rising up from the sump pump well and pouring in through the windows. This does not help me sleep at night.

And really,  sometimes, I just picture myself grabbing a pair of scissors and chopping off my hair. It’s getting so fucking long, but I’m trying to keep it that way for the wedding. We’ll see how that goes.

image

What crazy things do you picture happening to you? What are you most afraid of?

PSA: If you’re in Illinois, go vote already.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!
There’s Nothing More Tasteless Than Eating Disorder Jokes at a Bridal Show Let’s Talk About Cheese, Baby.

Comments

  1. Oh, I’m CONSTANTLY calculating and recalculating the worst case scenario for any given situation I’m in and how I would handle it. I’m sure if people could overhear the extremes my brain manages to come up with, they’d be horrified. I just call it being prepared.

    Your mention of the sump pump made me shudder. Ours used to creep the hell out of me when I was a kid. The well for it was gigantic and I always used to tiptoe around the edge like something was going to push me in if I didn’t sneak by. Nothing but a couple of old half-circles of plywood between me and that dark, murky hole? No thank you, not taking any chances.

    Of course, I have an irrational fear of pool drains too so I’m sure that didn’t help at all.

  2. It took a lot of energy not to cut my hair, when I was home sick recently. I was stuck inside and so was my kid and I was so bored I JUST WANTED TO CHOP MY HAIR.

    I’m also afraid of the dark, and monsters under the bed, and most things a 6 year old fears.

  3. I do that sometimes – the weird/awful scenarios thing. I think it’s our brains running some kind of check to make sure we’d know what to do in any of those situations, or at least would have considered the outcomes.

    It’s worse when it gets to a self-harm kind of thing. I’ve pictured myself dying a lot. Or getting hurt. Which is ironic as I never managed to imagine myself collapsing in pain and being rushed to hospital last weekend *sigh* the one which slipped through the net 😉

  4. No lie: I was on a bus one time and this crazy old dude got on and sat behind me. The bus started up and I smelled something burning, almost like the bus driver was burning the clutch out. When I looked behind me, I saw the dude was lighting the back of his hair on fire and getting off on the smell! I grabbed his lighter away from him and threw it out the window before he tried setting anything else on fire!

Speak to me. Tell me awesome things. Tell me secrets. Tell me lies.

%d bloggers like this: