Martini Glasses Are Fucking Useless

Martini Glasses

I have a martini glass collection. It started as a joke in my early twenties, after I broke every single martini glass at the bar my family owned. I had an affinity for cosmopolitans (thanks in part to my Sex and the City addiction), and my body had an affinity for falling down and breaking shit. It was a match made in broken glass heaven.

After I broke all three martini glasses at our shot and a beer joint, I was no longer allowed to possess a martini glass in my hand at the bar. (Of course they replaced the ones I broke). At the time, my little brother was the bar manager. Every time he trained a new bartender, I’d sit on the patron side and test their mad skill. I’d teach them how to make a cosmopolitan. And then I’d giggle profusely, making them question my educational abilities. I’d grin at my brother, lift my glass and clink his imaginary glass in celebration. And then I’d take a big swig of that delicious vodka delight. And giggle some more.

He’d run over and tell the nervous bartender that I could drink cosmos all I want, but they weren’t allowed in martini glasses if they were being handed to me. I was banished from those ridiculous and easily breakable glasses.

So of course, my best friend Mark thought it would be funny to buy me a pair of martini glasses for Christmas.

They lived in my car for a few weeks before I finally, not-so-ironically broke one and took the other inside into my house. It sat on a lonely shelf in my bedroom for a few months. For
my birthday that year, I received one of those fancy pants Lolita martini glasses. I thought it was the greatest fucking thing ever. I was an idiot.

I decided that I would start a martini glass collection, and made it my business to find Lolita glasses on clearance to cheaply add to my collection.

Almost a decade later, I’m now the proud owner of a shelvy thingy full of useless. Fucking. Martini glasses.martini glass collection

You may remember we recently bought a house. I have a place to store and display those fancy fucking martini glasses. Except for the one I broke while I was unpacking them.

What you may not know is that I volunteered to host Christmas for 30-40 people this year. And that I’ve already hosted a couple of large gatherings. And you know what? No one drinks fucking martinis at house parties. They drink beer. And wine. And other shit.

Last week, after Thanksgiving with Brian’s family, I realized that if I’m hosting Christmas, I’m going to need cordial glasses for Bailey’s. And rocks glasses for Manhattans. And snifters for brandy or something.

So I called my mom, who was sleeping. Dad answered, so I asked him, “How many cordial glasses do you have?”

“Four?”

Oh God.

Okay.

When I cleared out the bar after we went out of business, I never thought to grab ALL the glassware. I took shot glasses and stupid shit…like a CASE of fucking martini glasses.  A case. A whole fucking case.

And now I’m a grown up who has to buy cordial glasses and rocks glasses, but has a fucking armory of martini and shot glasses.

So me and martini glasses? Not friends. Even though I have a collection of them hanging out in our dining room.

Do you have an unplanned collection of anything? What do you collect? Have you ever broken a martini glass? Do you think martini glasses are stupid & useless, too?

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Comments

  1. When I was a kid, my aunt’s started buying me mugs from wherever they went. Because they were both big world travellers, I have mugs from places like Japan, and the USSR. Yea, not Russia, the USSR. They’re all in a box in my parent’s basement because I was never allowed to actually use them. I’m not big on collecting anything.

    I haven’t broken a martini glass, but I have broken wine glasses. I hate those bubble wine glasses with no stem, but damn they’re handy when you’re drinking. Btw….I’m the proud owner of 3 different types of beer glasses. 3 types of wine glasses, shot glasses, old fashioned glasses, highballs and 2 random champagne flutes. But not a single martini glass. You want a martini at my house, you’re drinking it in a damn wine glass and that’s the end of it.

    • Ha! I love it. We have a CRAP ton of pint glasses and pilsner glasses and glass mugs and coffee mugs and other shit too. I have BOXES of glassware that I’ve never put out. But no cordial or rocks glasses.

  2. I have a mismatched collection of wine glasses. They come in various sizes, white, and red, they don’t discriminate. We’ve have broken so many over the years, it’s not even funny, so I can totally sympathize with you on this one.

  3. You’re a bitch because you took a picture of your CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN dining room with tiny cabinet of martini glasses. Show off. I’m buying you a case of martini glasses to try and mess up your CLEAN ORGANIZED GORGEOUS dining room. I would show you my collection of cake decorating stuff, but it’s all in two massive cabinets I had to buy specifically for the purpose of storing it all, and if I open any of the doors it will all come spilling out over the floor, with incredible embarassment because most of it still has original packaging. PS I love this. It’s awesome. Do more 🙂

    • Bwahahahahaha! I adore you! It’s probably the only room in my house that will stay relatively clean, because it’s in the back corner and we only go in there to eat.

      I’m glad you love this, and I’m planning on it. More fucks for 2015. Hmmm…

  4. Is it weird I love that you swore so fucking much in this post? Screw the annoying martini glasses. I’m liking the wild potty mouth! Yes, I’m weird. And yes I know that probably makes me look totally creepy. Whatevs.

  5. I have an unplanned collection of goats. And it’s amazing.

  6. I have Star Wars shit. I honestly didn’t plan to collect it. It just sort of happened. Then I started getting it for birthdays and Christmas, I just went with it.

    • Ha! That happened with my grandma and her elephant figurine collection. She randomly bought one at a garage sale…and then the collection happened. When she passed away a few years ago, she had about a hundred. Maybe more.

  7. I’ve never broken a martini glass, but I agree that they’re fucking useless. I mean just the design in itself is basically begging liquid to be spilled over the sides. I’d drink a martini out of a different type of glass any day. It’s the alcohol that matters, and who cares what you’re drinking it out of, right? Best to put mine in a spill-proof sippy cup like the toddler that I am. 😉

  8. Due my my love of beer I have a collection of beer coasters. My bar at our apartment is loaded with them!

    What the heck am I going to do with them all? Yet, I can’t stop swiping them from bars I go to!

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