Archives for August 2013

Hot Mess? Who? Me?

“I’m a hot mess.”

“Don’t mind me. I’m just a hot mess.”

“Sorry. I’m a hot mess. Most of the time.”

“Mostly, I’m just a hot mess.”

“Crap! I’m such a hot mess.”

These are phrases that come out of my mouth on almost a daily basis.

Walk into a pole? I’m a hot mess.

Embarrass myself in front of famous authors? I’m a hot mess.

Almost destroy my new boyfriend’s bathroom rug? I’m definitely a hot mess.

So when I was at GenCon, it wasn’t a surprise that I was walking into people, knocking shit over, and dropping things all over the place, apologizing with “I’m a hot mess.”

What I did find surprising (and really, I shouldn’t have), was at one point in the con, when some guy walked past me, yelling, “Hey! It’s the Hot Mess!”

And then it registered. And I was like. “You remembered me?” Because obviously, I don’t even know what stupid thing I had done (probably when I dropped like 5 games off a shelf) to be so memorable.

Of course, he proceeded to tell me that he “had a thing for redheads.” At which point, I smiled and walked away.

Only to see him a few hours later, again yelling out to me, “Hey! How’s it going Hot Mess?!”

I just hung my head in shame and walked away. When I told Brian, he just told me to stop calling myself a hot mess (after I explained that I was the one who said it first…I think he was ready to punch a guy for calling me a hot mess…or at least that’s how I imagined it.)

Which is easier said than done.

The face of a serious hot mess

The face of a serious hot mess

Is it just me? Tell me something weird you do.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Why My Best Friend is Cooler than Your Best Friend.

My best friend…

…can open a frozen can of Pepsi. Even when the pop tab is missing.

…sometimes talks to inanimate objects, making me laugh harder than nearly anyone else.

…loves me, even when I don’t love myself. And then tells me why I’m amazing.

…offers to hit people who hurt my feelings over the head with a Corona bottle.

…has wicked cool dance moves, and TOTALLY gets down with me at parties.

…inspires me.

…knows exactly what to do when I’m feeling down. Even when it includes silly interpretive dances.

…believes in whimsy and magic.

…is willing to discuss poop with me, even though, it’s…well…poop.

…is normal. And makes me feel normal by association.

Now. Blog friends. Tell me something awesome about your best friend.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Tasty Tuesday: Charcuterie and Cheese

Short and sweet, because Wednesday won’t be wordless.

This was dinner on Sunday night. I had to brag because OMG. YUM! What’s your favorite meal?

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Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Interview with a Dalek

Quirky Chrissy and a Dalek Escape into the TARDIS

 

 

 

 

Because I couldn’t interview Wil Wheaton. Even though Lily from It’s a Dome Life was lobbying really hard for me. Stalk Wil Wheaton DayStalk Wil Wheaton Day 2Stalk Wil Wheaton Day 3Stalk Wil Wheaton Day 4And I know how much you love my interviews…

And really, it’s not so much of an interview as a conversation.

And by conversation, clearly I mean witty banter.

And by witty I mean…well, I’m not sure what I mean, but you’ll see.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

How I Almost Died During My Daily Commute. Or How I Was Attacked By Another Inanimate Object.

So yesterday, I was racing to the train (speed walking, not running, mind you) and as per my usual, I was preoccupied with something other than putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I read (but I had just finished The Walking Dead: Rise of the Governor), and sometimes, I check my e-mail, g-chat, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, etc etc. Yesterday was no different.

I checked my e-mail to discover that YES! I had gotten a reservation to tour the Vienna Beef Hot Dog Factory…in September…of 2016.

That’s right, kids. A THREE YEAR WAITING LIST.

I obviously had to Skype my co-workers to bask in the glory of this accomplishment. Because…I mean…right?

So, as we’re messaging about this joyful thing, and I’m telling them that I may do a giveaway in 3 years (long term planning, y’all!) for 1-2 of the available spots in my tour group, when out of absolutely NOWHERE, this gigantic pole jumps up and slams into me.

My glasses went flying. The fact that I was just attacked registers. And 3 of the 500 people walking past me ask if I’m okay.

My response?

“Yep. I was just WAITING for that to happen.”

I mean… WHO SAYS THAT?

Of course, I immediately thought back to my interview with Dr. Stork, in which he told me that most people really can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.

Touche, Doctor. Touche.

I made it to the train with 3 minutes to spare. The people in the seats next to us were eating Chinese food and it smelled SO. Bad. I was nauseated. And tired. And probably had a mild concussion.

Brian was really nice to me (not that he isn’t usually, but he was even NICER. I know this because he bought me a GIGANTIC pack of Disney Halloween stickers that are going to get put on all outbound communication until October 31. Who wants a Halloween card?! I’m sending them out to the first 10 people who request one. Ready. Set. Go.)

OK, so seriously, though…I think Brian was worried. Because I barely talked all night. And I didn’t eat dinner. Which is weird for me. And probably really unhealthy, considering the only thing I ate all day yesterday was a lot of taco dip, some cake and trail mix. But I’m feeling better. And the giant bump on my head? It’s gone down some over night.

I walked into a pole

Ow.

 

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Top 5 Things I Learned at GenCon

I could write a ridiculously long post about the awesomeness of GenCon…but I’ll spare you the non-interesting awesomeness that was my weekend. Instead, here are the highlights.

5. Puzzles can be challenging. And occupy four days of your life.With 20 puzzles and 96 hours, I was able to solve almost 15 of the 20. (Okay, and I did some other stuff too.) <Okay AND Brian helped.> Here’s an example. Can you figure this one out? The final answer needs to be a 9 letter word or phrase.

Twister Puzzle GenCon

Twister Puzzle: Solve it first, and I’ll send you a prize. Seriously.

4. Buying games super cheap is joyful.

Rio Grande Games for the win

Rio Grande Games does this SUPER fun sale thing where he tells you how much $ to give him and then you get a game!

3. Gamers are hardcore. I know this because 1. By Saturday night, you could definitely tell at the dance party that many of these people had not showered since Thursday. 2. New games premiering at GenCon are sold out within minutes. 3.I know for a fact that some of the tournament-players didn’t eat for the 12 hours or so that they were in tournaments. I’m sorry, but if I had done a tourney, you bet your ass I would have been texting Brian, “Need. Food. Bring. Pizza.”

2. Firefly: The Game is fucking amazing. And if we had gotten there before 10 on Thursday, we STILL might not have been able to buy it. Because of #3. But that shit is amazing. And it will be pre-ordered. Because I NEED it.

Firefly: The Game

Firefly: The Game

1. I posted this on Instagram and probably Twitter…but it was late at night and you probably didn’t see it. The difference between gamers at a bar and…well…anyone else?

Gamers/nerds form queues (lines) instead of just crowding the bar. So people like me (who are pushy, have tits and flash $20 bills at bartenders) have to wait longer, but there is an ordered system that makes the OCD people (also apparently like me) happy.

Nerds form lines at the bar

Nerds form lines at the bar

Also, I’m collecting Star Wars cosplayers. It’s a collect them all game. Once it’s complete, I’ll show them all off…but this weekend? I found Chewy.

Chrissy and ChewbaccaDouble also: I may or may not have “interviewed a Dalek.” You’re welcome. (Expect that later this week.)

 

 

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Live Blogging from the Car…Because Brian Doesn’t Like to Talk Before Noon

We’re on our way to Gen Con. And I’m bored. So the plan is to live blog from my phone (so please excuse typos and autocorrect) until we get there. Or the vertigo kicks in. One of those.

Got any pressing questions for me? Readysetgo. (This won’t work without your participation, so help me out.)

Dressing up: I thought about doing it, but 1. Figured I’d go as myself and more importantly 2. Was too lazy to dig through Halloween boxes for one of my costumes.

I NEED a car this obnoxious:

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Wheelie Sneaks: nope, not wearing them…I don’t like wearing them for long periods of time, and that’s what gen con is…so comfy sneaks and sandals for me.

BTW, does anyone else hate the new Google maps app?

When road trips consist of flatlands and sky, we play my favorite game…find the penis shapes.
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Find anything?

So it’s now after noon. I know this because Brian started talking to me. “We’re coming up on the field of giants.” Referring to the crazy amount of windmills in this area. It’s actually scary impressive at night…like the last time we went to gen con and it was like 11 when we passed this spot.

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Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Sloth Humor

Have I shared this before? Because it’s amazing. Sloths are the best. And very interesting.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

Remind Me NEVER to Tell You I’m Not Funny Again.

So you remember last week, when I told you guys reasons I wasn’t funny? I thought I was having a bad week, because nothing eventful had happened and I had very little to share in the humor blog world.

Well, let’s just say I jinxed myself…Like a BOSS.

Friday morning…the day after the offending post…

Brian was running a wee bit late as we were heading out the door. I went down to start the car and left him with my keys to lock up. I thought to myself, Maybe I should leave his keys, take the spare and carry my own keys. I need them to get my laptop.

He finally came down with my keys and got in the car. Which gave us 3 minutes to get to the train station and for me to run to the train. I made it. BARELY. We got to the train and I hauled ass…thank God for the woman with the broken leg who requires the lift to get in. She’s my lifesaver. Sort of.

So I sat down in as close to my usual spot as I could get (after walking through the ENTIRE train–I got on at the tail end and sit in the first car) and started reading. 10 minutes before I got to Union Station, Brian texted me to see if I made the train and that he brought my keys down, but didn’t give them to me, so they were in the glove box.

Oh. My. God.

A slew of profanities rang out, causing other train riders to glare at me, as I called Brian.

Me: Are you on the train yet?

Brian: No, why?

Me: I NEED my keys. Need them. Need them. *panic*

Brian: Oh? Calm down. Relax. I can go get them.

I called my boss in a panic, crying, freaking out. Explained all of the possibilities. I realize now that I could have just said, “Hey Boss. Going to be late. Problems with the commute. I’ll be in soon.” Instead I told him my life story and made him listen. Hopefully he couldn’t tell I was in tears.

I called Brian back and told him that I was freaking out because I was going to be an hour late to work and sitting at the train station waiting and waiting with nothing to do but worry. He told me that he could just meet me around lunch time to bring me the keys…

What? Apparently my earlier thoughts hadn’t been verbalized about needing my keys for my laptop. Also, Brian volunteered to delay his trip into the city just so I could have keys to get home (which I wouldn’t really even need!) Best. Boyfriend Ever.

So Brian caught a later train, brought me my keys and I jumped in a cab. I was going to be about 40 minutes late. Not bad.

Now I have a tendency to take cabs when I’m running late or when it’s raining…so I know the regular route and fare. This driver passed the usual turn on Dearborn, and I thought to myself, The other cab drivers usually turn here. I’m pretty sure you can’t turn onto State Street from Jackson. He’s going to take me in a big circle to get a higher fare. Fuck that. He’s getting $7 no matter what. Jerk.

But alas, he turned onto State Street. From Jackson. Which is, in fact, illegal.

And did, in fact, get him pulled over.

I was in a cab that got pulled over.

I was 2 blocks from work, and without a second thought, I paid the driver and tried to get out. The cop was telling him why he was pulling him over, and I kept demanding, “Open the door, I need to leave!”

It played out like a scene in a movie, in which he unlocked the door and I ran. I’m pretty sure I even ran fast. And I don’t run unless I’m trying to catch a train…or I guess run from a cab.

I realized a block later that you probably shouldn’t RUN out of a car that just got pulled over…the police officer might think you did something wrong.

So my luck with the cops can be passed on to anyone who’s driving a vehicle with me in it. And people wonder why I hate driving anywhere.

 

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!

10 Reasons I’m Not Funny This Week.

I’m a humor blog, dammit. And I’m not even a little funny this week. Here’s why.

Every time I almost walk into a wall, I look up from my (phone/book/feet) and near miss it.

Wearing my contacts in the wrong eyes causes migraines, not chuckles.

I avoided sitting next to the creepy old man with the dress pants and white t-shirt on the train by sitting in the vestibule area.

I almost threw up during yoga, but God didn’t want me to have THAT story on the record.

Every time I almost fall down, I catch myself.

I haven’t had to run to the train or lost my pants in the process.

My experiment with gluten free appears to be over. (PS: It didn’t help.) (PPS: Nothing funny came of my last minute decision to eat the gluten. Nothing! No amusing poop stories or anything.)

This is my last full week as a contractor. On the 19th, I start as a full time employee with the company I’ve been contracting with. While this is exciting news, it’s not very funny.

I could only come up with 8 (well I guess this makes 9) reasons.

Maybe I should wear the wheelie sneaks to work today…

So if you have read this far, and it’s ONLY like 200 words, so I hope you did… you’ll note that I linked to some of my funnyish posts…go ahead and check those out. And while you’re at it, send me a link to YOUR funniest post. Because I could use a laugh. And some inspiration. Please and thank you.

Hey! Did you know you can buy my book on Amazon? 37 women wrote about the struggle for perfection, and I'm one of 'em. Go check it out!