It’s the End of the World As We Know It

I’m not going to lie. Yesterday, I started getting a little weepy. What if the world DOES end tomorrow? Brian’s not going to be home. If the world is going to end, I want to spend my last night with him. So I went over to his mom’s to hang out.

But I started thinking about the possibilities for the end of the world and my chances of survival. Here goes:

A Great Flood

Survival odds: 7/10

As I am a lover of all things water, and think that I was a fish/dolphin in another life (though I don’t think that I would start growing fins), I think I would do well in a floody apocalypse. Of course, this would largely depend on the availability of Meclizine. For those of you who don’t know, I suffer from acute vertigo (which is a doctor’s fancy way of saying, “We have no idea why you get dizzy for weeks/months on end…here have some drugs.”) It’s fine on most days that don’t include heavy motion of non-joy. Rollercoasters=fine. Motion simulators=bad. Boats=50/50.

Nuclear Warfare

Survival odds: 0/10

I live 30 minutes west of Chicago. If nuclear war goes global, I’m out, yo. Or I’ll have 5 arms and 7 eyes and 3 boobs. You know, either way, I don’t consider that survival. That’s mutation.

Infectious Disease Epidemic

Survival odds: 5/10

I like to think that my immunity to a lot of normal illnesses would keep me safe, but it is really a tough call. I’ll give it my best shot and hope that I’m standing in Colorado with Gary Sinise Brian and that I don’t have to go out West to fight the really bad guys (see: odd of survival with nuclear warfare.) BTW, Have I mentioned that I have a secret crush on Gary Sinise?

Alien Apocalypse

Survival odds: 3/10

This depends greatly on whether or not the aliens in question are more locked tight in machines or evil intelligent beings. And whether or not I’ve got the help of any of the following eye candy: Noah Wyle, Will Smith, Bill Pullman (Quiet, you! I like the goofy actors! And seriously…Have you not seen While You Were Sleeping?)

Crazy Winter Storm with Wolves

Survival odds: 4/10

Well, I live in Chicago, where the weather changes drastically every 30 minutes, so I’m not concerned with a little cold weather or snow (not that I’m a fan or anything). I’ve hung out a Bears games with -10 temps and survived. But ice and I…we go way back… Remember my skiing incidents? So, we’ll see. I’m definitely not hoping for this one.

Meteors Becoming Crashed Into Us

Survival odds: 5/10

I suppose that if there’s no super sweet drilling machine to save us all, this one could catastrophic…maybe. If the meteor does crash in, like, the ocean causing a huge tidal wave, I’d try to be on some serious high ground. Though we’ve already mentioned that I may be okay in the event of a great flood, if the meteor crashes right into my space, I’m out. So 50/50.

Electricity-Free Apocalypse

Survival odds: 9/10

If the worst thing to happen to the world were for the power to go out…I think I’d be alright. Sure I’d miss blogging, but I would still write. Ever heard of a book? I’d miss my people around the world, but I would be okay. I mean…I’d leave Chicago for some place warm, so as not to worry about winter without heat, but I think I’d do alright. Maybe I’d become a great leader (and not be a douche who kills my best friend’s brother)…Considering my digital footprint that started some time around college would disappear…I think it’s a good plan.

Zombie Apocalypse

Survival odds: 4/10

If we still lived in the old house, maybe my chances would be greater. There were a lot more weapons there than there are here. I do have enough food to last 2 of us several weeks, though. (Bonus!) And an escape route (Yep a front and back door to our apartment). And we’re on the second floor, so it would be harder for zombies to come get me. But once it was time to get on the move and team up with other humans…that would not be cool. Other humans are stupid. They have cage matches with zombies. They go on mall shopping sprees because there are not people around. They get themselves trapped in malls. They forget to use protection and get pregnant mid-zombie apocalypse.

If you can name all of the movie/TV references that I’ve subtly and not so subtly entered into this post, you’ll be entered into a random drawing for a sweet secret prize. There are a lot of references in here folks. To be fair, I will not approve any comments on this post until Sunday (when the guessing ends at midnight, you know…assuming the world doesn’t end).

 

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In Light of the Tragedy in Connecticut Merry Christmas!

Comments

  1. I want to know the odds of your survival in a winter apocalypse, but there are no wolves.

  2. I would totally survive the Zombie Apocalypse. The point is not to run the fastest, but to be faster than the dude next to you 😉

    And let’s face it…..you could totally rock 3 boobs if you wanted to.

  3. If the end of the world comes, maybe we could pick, like a multiple choice or something. I bet no one would pick “all of the above”.

  4. I’d choose: Gravity Disappears and We All Float Into Space for Eternity. Only because it sounds fun but also freaky, because we’d probably starve to death in a few days and then there’d be all these lifeless bodies floating around space. Ok, now I am grossing myself out.

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